Star Neck

This is a Star Trek farce. It satires a very well-known episode in which the

Romulans are part of the story. Hope you enjoy it. This was written by

Nick Villarreal on Bardate 90.9086.234.857.1.

"Star Neck"

Episode Name: "The Benderdice Incident"

Characters:

Captain Games T. Dirk

Sneekaround Mooloo

Navel Checkoff

Clock

Doubtsummary D. Plott

Dr. Kennered "Drones" McDoiy

Stubborna

Ensign D. Ed Duck

Countless other Ensigns

Bombingruns

Begin Episode

The S.M.S. Benderdice is cruising along quite well. They are going at Doorp

7.989, and Captain Games T. Dirk is entering his log.

Dirk: "Captain's log, Bardate 95.8762.908.675.4 We are...cruising

along...quite well at...Doorp 7.898. We have...orders from...Carfleet not

to...go into the...Bombingrun Tutorial Zone...but I've...decided

to...disobey that...order. Besides, I have...a story...to cover up. It

goes...like this..."

Clock: "So, Captain, what you're saying is that Carfleet has given us orders

to go into the Bombingrun Turtorial Zone, against the treaty we have with

the Bombingrun Empire, for reasons of espionage?"

Checkoff: "Vell, isn't that pwetty obwious, Clock? He just said that."

Mooloo: "He was just double-checking."

McDoiy: "I think I should examine that head of his. His blue blood may have

an effect on the rest of us. Plus, this will probably start off another

argument between us, and I like fighting verbally with Culkins."

Clock: "Dr., I assure you that you do not need to examine my cranial area.

My Alpha, Gamma, Delta, and Beta waves in my mind are operating quite

perfectly."

Dirk: (Leans Forward) "I thought...those were...quadrants."

Clock: "They are also stages of thought. I believe that psychologists

studied..."

MyDoiy: (Stands up) "Clock, this is Star NECK, NOT Star Neck: The Mexed

Generation. You are not Theta. And when you talked about those quadrants, I

didn't understand a word you said, and I'm the doctor!"

Clock: "Thank you for stopping me."

Dirk: "Now, does...everybody get...what we're...doing?"

Stubborna: "Yes, but I don't want to do it."

Dirk: "True to...your name. Now...everyone...put your...hands in...the

middle."

(Everyone does so)

Dirk: "On the...count of...three, say...'GO TEAM!’ One, two, five!"

Clock: "Three, sir."

Dirk: "Three!"

Everyone: "GO TEAM!"

(Window shatters in Conference Room, everyone walks out to Bridge)

Dirk: "Mr. Mooloo, the Tutorial Zone, Doorp 5.89734."

Mooloo: "Doorp 5.98734, aye."

Dirk: "Point EIGHT NINE, not point NINE EIGHT!"

Mooloo: "Sorry, sir. When you go into decimals, I get confused."

Checkoff: (Leans back) "Vell, this should take about three hours."

Dirk: "Do you...mean the...trip or...my next lines?"

Checkoff: "Both!"

Dirk: "In my...quarters. Tell me...when we...get there."

Mooloo: "We're there, sir."

Dirk: (pauses for three seconds) "Already?"

Mooloo: "Your lines provided a nice entertainment background. Let's see

here...Mr. Plott and Mr. Checkoff are playing a game of Poker..."

Dirk: "Where's Drones?"

Mooloo: "In Sick Bay. Although there's nobody there, he'll probably wind up

with some Ensigns by the end of the show."

Dirk: (Pauses for three seconds)"And Clock?"

Mooloo: "In that pile of wood, making the object that he was named after."

Clock: "Yes, it is going to look identical to my grandfather, Cuckoo."

Dirk: "That's not...what humans mean...when they talk about...Grandfather

Clocks."

Clock: "I take most things literally, sir. Also, might I make a suggestion?"

Dirk: "What is...the...suggestion?"

Clock: "Stop the pauses. They are driving everyone on this crew to the brink

of insanity."

Dirk: "I'm making...pauses in my...sentences?"

Clock: "Let me show you a recording." (Pulls out tape recorder, pushes play)

Recorder: (Dirk's voice)"I'm making...pauses in my...sentences?"

Dirk: (Look of agony)"Clock, why didn't you ever tell me my voice was so

stupid!"

Clock: “Sir, you would have demoted me and thrown me in the Brig. Then you

would later promote me and take me out of the Brig, making the entire story

line irrelevant.”

Dirk: “Good thinking. I’ll talk like this from now on.”

McDoiy: “Good. Now you can sound like Captain Sean-Puke Sickgaurd.”

Dirk: “Who?”

McDoiy: “Forget it. You’ll meet him soon enough.”

Dirk: “Right. Mr. Mooloo, get the Bridge crew up here. We need all the

people we need to take on the Bombingruns, should we run into them.”

Mooloo: “Right, sir.”

Clock: “I’ve got it.” (Pushes intercom) “All Bridge crew report to your

stations.”

Mooloo: “Hey you took my job!”

Clock: “You can’t have too many interesting lines. Carfleet regulations

clearly state that the Helm Officer must be very boring unless he’s in a

movie, or is from a famous ship.”

Mooloo: “And this ship isn’t famous enough?”

Clock: “No. We must wait for the movies to come out.”

Mooloo: “Now I want to head back to San Francisco. I was born there.”

Dirk: “Save it for Star Neck IV.”

Mooloo: “Aww, man.”

Checkoff: “Shut up! I used to be an Ensign, and never got lines.”

Mooloo: “You’re still an Ensign, and you get a lot of lines.”

Checkoff: “I’m up for promotion to Lieutenant.”

Dirk: “Great. Now let’s stop the bickering, and start the businessing.”

All: “Aye, sir.”

On view screen, a ship appears. It is a Bombingrun C-11. The Benderdice crew

thinks it’s a Clinkfawn ship. Dirk stands.

Dirk: “Target all Clazers on that ship and fire!”

Checkoff: “Sir? That would be a direct violation of Carfleet regulations.”

Dirk: “Not doing so would break the Captain’s 12th rule of missions. ‘Always

break any and all regulations of Carfleet.”

Clock: “I’m registering two more Clinkfawn C-11s.”

Stubborna: “We’re being hailed.”

Dirk: “Onscreen.”

Stubborna: “Can only put their voices through, sir.”

Dirk: “All right, all right. Onscreen, please.”

Stubborna: “Yes, sir.”

The image of a Bombingrun female appears. The entire Bridge crew of the

Benderdice looks shocked. Dirk sits.

Dirk: “What the…?”

Clock: “It appears that the Bombingrun Empire is using Clinkfawn designs.

They have also invented a Joking Device to hide themselves from our sight.”

Bomb. Commander: “Very perceptive. Now you have to surrender to us. Then

again, you can also attack us and break our treaty. So, what’s your choice?”

Dirk: “Umm, I think the Captain’s Manual says to ‘Break any and all

treaties’. Can’t go against the manual.”

McDoiy: “Is there ANY sentence in that manual that says to go WITH rules and

regulations?”

Dirk: “None that I know of.”

McDoiy: “Just checking.”

Dirk: (To Bomb. Commander) “Can I think about it?”

Bomb. Commander: “Well, I guess so. But beam over that Culkin and yourself.”

Dirk: “And what will you give us in exchange?”

Bomb. Commander: “My First Officer and a dumb guy in a helmet.”

Dirk turns to Plott. His nickname is Plotty, by the way.

Plott: “Cap’n, dunna look a’ me. I’ve go’ plen’y o’ trubble down ‘ere to

last duh rest o’ me life.”

Dirk: (To Clock) “Did you understand any of what he said?”

Clock: “Not a word.”

Dirk: “Maybe we should bring him along to confuse them.”

Clock: “Captain…”

(Commercial break)

Advertisement: “Buy this. It has the best effect for what you want to get

done. Of course, we’re charging you a really high price for it, even though

we made it really cheap. In fact it’s just a rip-off from another product.”

Announcer: “Coming up next on this channel, we have the Star Neck Marathon.

The next run of episodes is from Star Neck: Creep Case 9.”

Discgo: “Fire all gloatcon torpedoes on that ship!”

(Other Commercials)

(End Commercials)

Dirk: “What do you want, Clock?”

Clock: “I was going to warn you about the commercial break.”

Checkoff: “Vell, it’s a little late for that, now, isn’t it?”

Clock: “I guess I’ll go back to making that time telling device that looks

like my grandfather, Cuckoo.”

Dirk: “Clock, do that on your spare time. We’ve got a crisis on out hands.”

Clock: “What’s that?”

Dirk: “The Bombingruns. Need I say more?”

Clock: “No, Captain.”

Dirk: “Could you call me Gam for once?”

Clock: “No, Captain. It says in the script that I can’t refer to you by

first name until at least the movies.”

Dirk: (looks at script) “Well, what do you know? He’s right!”

Sounds of a power failure on one of the consoles are heard.

Ensign Deadman: “Sir, there’s something wrong with this panel!”

All of the Bridge crew looks expectantly at Ensign. He backs away from the

console.

Dirk: “Sorry, Ensign. Nothing can save you now.”

Panel blows off, and console catches fire. Panel hits Ensign’s head,

breaking his neck, cracking his skull, and killing him.

McDoiy: “He’s dead, Gam.”

Checkoff: “Well, you have another girlfriend to ‘console’, Captain.”

Mooloo: “That was the worst pun I ever heard.”

Checkoff: “Was not.”

Mooloo: “Was too.”

Checkoff: “Was not.”

Mooloo: “Was too.”

Checkoff: “Was not.”

Mooloo: “Was too.”

Dirk: “Both of you, shut up! There’s a FIRE ON THE SHIP!”

Checkoff: “Aye, sir.”

Clazers and Gloatcon Torpedoes are fired at lead Bombingrun ship. It

explodes in a huge eruption of debris.

Dirk: “You IDIOT! I meant that there was a fire present in the Benderdice,

not to fire on the Bombingrun ship!”

Checkoff: “Sorry, sir. All I heard vas fire on the ship, and I vas just

follovink orders that I thought you said.”

Dirk: “Double-check next time.”

Ensign D. Ed Duck rushes on to Bridge.

Duck: “I heard I’m needed for console duty.”

Dirk: “Yes, Ensign…?”

Duck: “David. David Ed Duck.”

Checkoff: “No, you moron! I’m the only Ensign who’s supposed to surwive the

entire five-year mission!”

Duck: “At least it insures my survival.”

Dirk: “At least until you get transferred to another ship.”

Stubborna: “Sir, the Bombingruns were hailing us.”

Dirk: “What are they doing now?”

Clock: “Targeting all weapons on us.”

Dirk: “Hail them and tell them we’ll accept their terms.”

Stubborna: “Done.”

Dirk and Clock go to Plantsporter Room.

Dirk: “Beam us out and beam the Bobingruns in.”

Ensign: “Aye, sir.”

They beam out, Bombingruns beam in and kill the Ensign, and are captured by

a Security team. Meanwhile, Dirk and Clock find themselves to be wearing the

Bombingrun outfits. Dirk is wearing the XO’s suit, and Clock is wearing the

stupid helmet.

Dirk: “How’d this happen?”

Clock: “Just wait.”

Their clothes appear on them.

Dirk: “Plantsporter holdback. Beams the bodies, but not the clothes.”

Clock: “Precisely.”

Bomb. Commander: “Come with me. Dirk, put yourself in the Brig. I just want

Clock.”

Dirk: “But I’m supposed to be alone in a room with a woman.”

Bomb. Commander: “You should read the script sometime. There are a few

surprises.”

Dirk: “Man, this sucks.”

He goes to Brig. Meanwhile, back on the Benderdice…

Plott: “Who knew Bombingruns could be so good at Poker?”

Mooloo: “Don’t look at me. You were the one who bet the exploding console.”

Bomb. Person: “What did you say?”

Mooloo: “Nothing, nothing at all.”

Bomb. Person@: “Good.”

Plott: “Hey, don’t press the shift key when you type 2.”

Bomb. Person@: “Thanks for the advice.”

Plott: “No problem.”

Back on the Bombingrun C-11…

Clock: “Well, I think it’s time to check up on the Captain.”

Bomb. Commander: “Okay.”

They go to the Brig.

Dirk: “Clock, you betrayed me…” (Rushes for Clock’s Throat)

Clock: (Grips Dirk’s face, gives him Culkin Neck Prick very quickly)

Dirk: (Passes out, but looks dead)

Bomb. Doctor: “He’s dead.”

Bomb. Commander: “What did you just do to him?”

Clock: “I used the Culkin Flesh Strip.”

Two hours later…

McDoiy: “But Clock, there’s no such thing as a Culkin Flesh Strip.”

Clock: “I know. The Captain and I planned it.”

Dirk: (Gets up) “Yep. Pretty good, wasn’t it?”

McDoiy: “When you fool Confounderation Plycorder, you fool everything.”

Dirk: “Now to steal that Joking Device. Clock, subdue the Commander. We’ll

use our hand-held Clazers to stun the entire crew. Then we go into

Engineering and disconnect it. We then have Plotty beam us out.”

McDoiy: “Good idea.”

They carry the plan out. Twenty minutes later, all three are on the ship.

Dirk: “Plotty, intall this think onto the ship. We might need it to run

away.”

Plott: “Aye, sir. B’ th’ way, th’ Bombin’runs beamed o’er ‘ere are in th’

Brig.”

Dirk: “Thank you.”

Plott: “I’ll ge’ on th’ Jokin’ device righ’ now, sir.”

Dirk: “Good.”

Checkoff: “Sir, this isn’t good.”

Dirk: “What is it now?”

Checkoff: “They’re targetink us with everythink they have. I personally

think ve’re about to die.”

Dirk: “Plotty, how’s it going with the joking device?”

Plott: “En fie minutes, cap’n. Do we ‘ave ‘at much time?”

Dirk: “Whatever the question was, assume the answer is get it done as fast

as you can.”

Plott: “Aye, sir.”

Checkoff: “Sir, they’re preparink to fire.”

Dirk: “Plotty, you’ve got two shakes to finish up.”

The Bombingrun ships fire, hitting the Benderdice, killing thirty Ensigns in

one swift blow. Plotty looks at the Joking Device. The he says “Oh!” and

presses the “On” button. The Benderdice disappears from sight.

Dirk: “Well, job well done, everybody. Does anybody wish to make out with

me? The scriptwriters forgot to put that in this episode.”

Female Ensign: “I will.”

Dirk: “Good. In my Ready Room right now, Ensign.”

End Episode