You Know You Are Living Next To A Trekkie When...
by Charles Nadeau

10. His car has more Trekkie bumper stickers than paint.
9. Keeps trying to "mind-meld" with your parakeet.
8. Refuses to lend you his hedge trimmer on grounds that it would violate the Prime Directive
7. Keeps trying to "beam" stray cats from his microwave to yours.
6. Keeps threatening to fire photon torpedoes at your house, even though he knows they can't penetrate your shields.
5. His garage door opens sideways and makes that cool "Vsoop" sound.
4. Keeps coming over to borrow a cup of dilithium crystals.
3. Runs out of house with hamsters taped to himself screaming, "TRIBBLES! TRIBBLES EVERYWHERE!"
2. Continues to watch the show even though he has a girlfriend.
1. Talks!... like!... William!... Shatner!

Top Ten Things Overheard at the 30th Anniversary Star Trek Convention
by Charles Nadeau

10. "I just got Shatner to autograph my tush!"
9. "I think you're right, the hot chicks hang out at the X-Files convention."
8. "OK, a Vulcan, a Betazoid and a Klingon walk into a bar ..."
7. "But Ma -- you said I could have my own phaser when I turned 40!"
6. "Oh darn, James Doohan is stuck in the door again."
5. "OK, men, set your phasers on zit-removal, and let's go get us some chicks."
4. "Not to boast, but I played the unnamed, red-shirted security guy in the landing party killed in episodes 4, 7, 15 and 29."
3. "No, really, Fibercon IS better than Metamucil."
2. Wow! Two girls! That's twice as many as we had at the 20th-anniversary convention!
1. "Live long and purchase."

TOP TEN THINGS TUVOK DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT HIM!

by Jesse Glaspey & Daniel Furuya

10. He makes funny faces behind Janeway's back.
9. He loves Jackie Collins holo-novels!
8. He LOVES disco.
7. He keeps wondering if he'll ever get the chance to bag Madonna.
6. He secretly wants his own talk show called 'Talk with Tuvok!'
5. He envies the Kazon for their haircuts.
4. He hopes he won't have to show his ass like Chakotay did in that 
	one episode.
3. He loves to wear a fake 'arrow through the head'.
2. He loves Beavis and Butthead.
1. His favorite movie: STAR TREK 5!

TOP TEN REJECTED SLOGANS FOR STARFLEET
by Jesse Glaspey & Daniel Furuya

10. Every cadet gets a free 'goddess of empathy' doll.
9. We got presidents just as indeciseive as Clinton!
8. We can kick Star Wars' ass!
7. DS9: Home of the glop on a stick. The Glopper!
6. Voyager's not lost it just took a wrong turn at Uranus!
5. Not every Enterprise is doomed!
4. Not every Galaxy Class ship has been blown up!
3. We don't got EWOKS!
2. We can kick those ID4's aliens ass!
1. You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile!

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE A BAD CHANGELING!
by Jesse Glaspey & Daniel Furuya

10. Your name is 'Odo'
9. When the Founders ask you to join the great link, you go "Mmmmm. 
	Sausage."
8. You shapeshift into Dax's furniture.
7. You shapeshift into Quark's furniture (Ewwwww!).
6. You tell the Jem'Hadar to hop on one leg and bark like a dog.
5. You reveal that the white drug the Jem'Hadar take is really human sp**m!
        (See the 'Kids in the Hall' skit "Soup de Jour")
4. You have a lava lamp on the Founders home world.
3. You vaccum up the great link in a wet/dry vacuum!
2. You point at people and go, "HE'S A CHANGELING!" and go, "Just kidding!"
1. You eat Jell-o in front of another changeling.

TOP TEN REJECTED STARSHIP NAMES!
by Jesse Glaspey & Daniel Furuya

10. The U.S.S. Rotting Carcass
9. The U.S.S. Ensign (This one was built but within five minutes of starting
	it's voyage, everyone was killed.)
8. The U.S.S. Bob Dole (Too old)
7. The U.S.S. Pamela Lee (It's Nacelles aren't real)
6. The U.S.S. Otto vonshnitzelpusskrankendesheitmeyer (for obvious reasons)
5. The U.S.S. Deanna Troi (It keeps crashing into mountain)
4. The U.S.S. Minnow (Voyager's first name)
3. The U.S.S. Pauly Shore (for obvious reasons)
2. The U.S.S. Maximillian Arturo (Too heavy to launch)
1. The Millenium Falcon!!!

TOP TEN ENSIGNS THAT YOU WON'T SEE ON VOYAGER!
by Jesse Glaspey & Daniel Furuya

10. Ensign Jenny McCarthy: Obnoxious and dumb, yet they can't fire her
	because she's too hot!
9. Ensign O.J. Simpson: And you thought ensign Suter was bad!
8. Ensign Quentin Tarantino: Hyper and won't stop shooting his phaser!
7. Ensign Pee-Wee Herman: Ditto. (Ewwww.) 
6. Ensign Kervorkian: Makes the Doctor scared
5. Ensign Wedge: Just won't die, DAMMIT
4. Ensign Michael Jackson: Obvious reasons.
3. Ensign Pamela Anderson: See #10
2. Ensign Shatner: Upstages everyone
1. Ensign Travolta: Too cool for Voyager.

Top Ten surprises on DS9 next season
by Jesse Glaspey & Daniel Furuya

10. O'Brien gets the Defiant's registry number changed to AZZ KIKR.
9. Sisko gets dreadlocks.
8. Kira gets laid.
7. The new Dominion leader to be Keyser Soze!
6. Troi and Alexander show up to kick Worf's ass for unresolved plotlines.
5. Jem'Hadar sue the Kromaggs for copyright infringement.
4. Quark's now sells those cheezy computer egg pets!
3. Sisko calls in Spenser for backup.
2. That massive convoy of Federation/Klingon ships: All going to a K-Mart
	clearance sale
1. It turns out Sisko not only left his son and his baseball at the station,
	but his underwear too!