Swine Trek*
(C)2000 EvilSwine Creations, unlimited.

(*apologies in advance)
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*  EPISODE 1.0001: The Milkman Cometh  *
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[Opening Credits]

See USS Enterswine swishing by Credits.   Vague similarites to "Pigs In Space"
rear their ugly tails, but only similarities.  Careful observation shows the rear
nacelles are shaped like tails... the saucer section somewhat resembles an udder
when viewed from underneath.   Oddities aside, we pear into the day-to-day operations
of the crew.

[Pan to viewscreen, 'oink' noises replace traditional whirring sounds]

SmirK:  "Captain's log, stardate 95314.4.   We have arrived at our destination, though 
the timing couldn't have been worse.  What happened next was enough to make us all wish 
we were back on the Farm"

[USS Enterswine is in orbit around planet Moogulus-3.  Capt. Smirk, Mr. Smock,
Snotty, and Lt. Manure are all standing around Dr. Decoy.]

Smock:  "Captain, the Doctor doesn't appear to be moving."
Smirk:  "You're right, Smock.  Perhaps this is a result of eating real food instead of the 
usual space rations?"
Smock:  "Fascinating, he doesn't appear to be moving, breathing, or making any noise 
whatsoever. I can even hear the scanners.

[Turbolift door opens.  Another Dr. Decoy walks onto the bridge]

Decoy:  "What in Blazes?  Oh... heeeheee".  Decoy giggles to himself.

Smirk:  "Dammit, Bones, what's so funny? And why are there TWO of you?"
Snotty: "Argh, I think I [sniff] know the answer captain"
Smock:  "Indeed, Snot, this is the doctor's double.. his _decoy_ if you will."
Decoy:  "Smock, you green-hemmed half-breed, you figured it out!  Just for that I'll.."

[classic plot-thickening device activated]

Check-Off:  "Sirr, enemy wessel appearing out of knowwhere, bearing straight for us!"
Smirk:  "Sound Red Alert.  Raise shields, ready photon torpedos.  Manure, open hailing 
frequencies. 
Manure:  "Frequencies Open, Sir"
Smirk:  "This is Capt. James I Smirk, what are you doing in this sector? Identify yourself."  

[silence]

Smirk:  "Manure, try alternate hailing frequency and repeat my message"
Manure: "Alternate Hailing Frequency Open"
Smirk:  "Smock, ship analysis?"
Smock:  "This ship appears to be more powerful than the Enterswine. Armaments consist of 
weaponry I've never seen, therefore it must be advanced technology.  Suggest we use caution"

Smirk sits on the Captains stool (wooden chair style stool, not other type of stool) and 
ponders the situation.  Could they have come for the prized Moogula-3 milk FarmFleet has 
sent them, the very crew of the EnterSwine, to take back to earth?  

Smirk:  "Snotty, get down to engineering.  We may need all the power at our disposal"
Snotty: "Aye, Captain"

[Scotty leaves... once again eying the Decoy decoy still standing next to Smock's console]

Smirk:  "Mr. Lulu, can you manuever us between the planet and the potentially dangerous 
vessel?"
Lulu:  "Yes captain, coming around to course 444 mark 642"

Smock:  "Captain, I have penetrated their shields with our sensors.  The life form readings 
are....curiously familiar.  I am having trouble believing it."
Decoy:  "You?  Having trouble?  Sounds like you're weaving a fabrication to me."  Decoy stands 
closer to Smock, hands at his sides.  He is ready for a confrontation.

Smirk: "Not now, you two.  We're in serious trouble.  We don't know what the enemy vessel 
wants, nor do ..."  Smock interrupts, "Jim, I believe I know what they want... and I think 
I know why.   The crew of that ship .. [insert timely musical score] are cows."

Shock spreads across the faces of the crew.  Cows?  Piloting a starship?  Absurd!  Perhaps 
Pigs... but not cows.  

Smirk: "Patch in the universal translator, and specify Cow dialect"

Computer: "Woooorrrkkkiing"

Smirk: "This is the United Swine Ship Enterswine.  Alien Vessel, we have patched in our 
translator system.  We mean you no harm. Please tell us why you are here"

Vessel: "Commander McBessy, at your service.  We have come from another galaxy in search of 
our origins.  This planet matches our criteria."

Smirk:  "What are your intents toward this planet?"

McBessy:  "Why...we intend to claim it as ours. "

Smock and Smirk conference for a moment.  Manure spins around in her chair, apparently little 
to do.  She begins to wonder what it would be like to have a real computer console, where she 
could play solitaire suring these long periods of uselessness.  Smock gives a final nod, as 
Smirk signals Manure to reopen the channel (even though he never officially asked her to 
close it).

Smirk:  "We cannot allow you to do that.  Moogula-3 is a free planet; you may visit, but it is 
not yours nor will we allow you to take it."  

McBessy: "Very well, then you shall feel the wrath of the last of the Moohicans."

Lulu turns around to face Smirk, "Moohicans?  I thought they were extinct?"
Smock;  "Apparently not, Lulu, otherwise they would not be here now."

Smirk: "We don't want a battle, McBessy, but we must insi..."

Enemy vessel fires upon the Enterswine.... but... the pulses are white?  Smirk looks to Smock, 
and asks for an analysis.  

"Snotty to bridge, what's happening up there?  The engines theyre slowing down"

Smock: "They are using some kind of damping field... it could be the fabled Moohican smother-
field."

[Camera pans around the bridge to catch everyone's expression.  Unfortunately, everyone looks 
the same as they did a few minutes ago, except for Smirk, who is perched precariously on the 
edge of his stool]

Smirk:  "Can we combat it?"
Smock:  "I suggest we tell Mr. Snot to reverse engine polarity. That should counteract the 
effect of the smother-field and reflect it back to the Moohican ship."
Smirk:  "Snotty, can you do it? "
Snotty:  "Aye Captain, but it will take at least 20 minutes!"
Smock:  "Jim, in 10 minutes, this ship will be powerless"
Smirk: "I need that change in 5 minutes Snotty, Smirk Out"

[Follow camera to Engineering]

Snotty is fooling around with circuit panel A45Delta.  Sparks are shooting from cracks in the 
floor, the warp engine red glow is flickering...apparently dampened by the smother-field.  

Snotty:  "Aye Captain, I'll have it for you in no time."

Wiping his nose, and then his brow, Snotty gets back to working his miracles. Alas, it is 
allergy season on the ship (attributable to realistic conditions abourd the spaceship) and 
his troubles have only begun.

Snotty: "Dr. Decoy, please come to engineering.  And bring some of that patented decongestant 
with you"

[camera back to the bridge]

Decoy: "I'll be in engineering."   Decoy heads to the turbolift, the doors open, he walks in, 
and they close again.   For a moment, the soft 'mooing' sounds of the viewscreen can be heard 
over the utterances from the crew.

"Smock,I'm not sure whether Snotty will succeed," says Smirk, "he's battling so much at once.  
What are the odds we will survive?

Smock:  "One thousand, three hundred, seventy two point five-five-six.. to one."

Smirk paces the bridge... phasers, photon torpedos, missiles.. all useless against this foe.  
His only hope is that Snotty can pull through.

Snotty: "Sir, I've made the changes!"

Smirk: "Go Smock, do it!"

Smock flips a switch (which looks suspiciously like the sensor switch) and immediately the 
white beam turns brown.... the effect is stunning.  Not only does the enemy ship twist and 
turn, but it appears to get smaller and smaller.  Soon, there is nothing left to view.   
Suddenly, a bright flash of light causes everyone to cover their eyes.  When they next look 
out... a large expanse of space has a milky hue associated with it.

"Fascinating... the last Moohican ship and crew, destroyed by their own smothering field"  

Yes, Smock, and I must say... what they left behind looks just like the Milky Way"

[crew chuckles briefly at Smirks stupid joke. Smirk smirks.

"Manure, patch me in to the planet.  We need to get that milk to FarmFleet before it spoils.  
Snotty, prepare energizers for transport"

"Energize"

Snotty:  "Sirrr... we have Milk down here!"
Smirk:  "Very good, Snotty... Lulu, set course for FarmFleet, warp factor 9."
Lulu:  "Aye, Sir"

The warp engines emit a groan as the ship speeds into warp.  Everyone is silent, only the 
sweet moo noises from the viewscreen can be heard above the engines.  Once agin, the Enterswine 
has saved the day.

Smirk records his final entry:  "Captains log, supplemental.  Snotty effectively wiped out the 
last of the Moohicans. We have successfully transported the milk to our cargo holds and are 
heading back to FarmFleet.  All is well...for now"

[USS Enterswine  swishes across screen.... it's holds full of the precious milk, heads back to 
FarmFleet.  Final pass shows a small cowbell-shaped item near the main deflector..  of course, 
it couldn't be a cowbell... could it?]

THE END