"What the Hell?" The Ultimate Sliders/Ghostbusters/X-Files/Voyager/Pinky and the Brain Crossover! (Okay so it's the first. BACK OFF!) By Jesse "I can kick Joel Schumacher's ass!" Glaspey. Note: This story takes place after "Let's Do The Time Warp Again." And has references to Jason Donner's awesome X-Files/Sliders parodies and his groovy Sliders/Voyager crossover. Part 1: Out Of The Wormhole And Into The Parody! (The show opens with the Sliders on some random opening sequence world.) Quinn: (While running) AAAAHHHHH! Head for the park! Wade, Maggie, Rembrandt and Ash: (Also running) NO DUH! (The Sliders reach the park and open the wormhole.) Quinn: Okay! Let's go! (Quinn jumps through) Rembrandt: Man am I getting tired of him stating the obvious! (Remmy jumps through.) Wade: Ash! Come with us! Ash: I can't, my place is here. Now gimme some sugar, baby! (Wade and Ash kiss. Wade jumps through.) Ash: And you...(looks at Maggie) Maggie: Try it and you lose the other hand. Ash: I just want you to shop smart. Shop S-Mart. Got it? (Pushes Maggie through.) (A evil ghost rushes at Ash. He jumps out of the way sending it through the wormhole.) Ash: Hey! It worked! (Ash walks off.) ------ (The portal opens and drops the Sliders in another park. The portal doesn't close.) Quinn: ARGH! AGH! UGH! Wade: Oh my god! Quinn got shot again! Quinn: No. I just landed on a very pointy rock. Agh. Rembrandt: It hit your leg? Quinn: (Groaning) Nope. Little higher. Maggie: (To Quinn) Are you the gatekeeper? Quinn: An inch lower and I'd be a soprano. Maggie: (To Wade) Are you the gatekeeper? Wade: Nope. I'm the sidekick. Maggie: (To Rembrandt) Are you the gatekeeper? Rembrandt: I'm the token black guy. Quinn: (Sitting up) What's wrong with Maggie? Wade: She's uptight, bitchy, psychotic, beligerent, her boobs are too big, she drools in her sleep, she overacts, she's got bad aim.... Quinn: I mean now! Wade: Oh. I think she's possessed. Quinn: Again? Dammit! Third time this week! Well, how do we cure her this time? Wade: I can get some baseball bats! Quinn: No. Save that for sweeps week. Rembrandt: Has anyone else noticed the wormhole hasn't closed? Maggie: Are you the eggman? Are you the walrus? Quinn: Shut up. There's a plot twist coming. (Quinn walks up to the wormhole and looks in. A ball of slime flies out of the wormhole and hits him in the face. As he hits the ground, tons of ghosts and creatures fly out.) Rembrandt: Well, here's another fine mess you've gotten us into! Maggie: Are you feeling not-so-fresh? ========= Commercial Break Tonight, a special series premiere! Xena "Buffy" Walker: Texas Warrior Vampire Princess Killing Ranger. Watch what critics call: "Total crap!" --Entertainment Weekly "The most convoluted show I've ever seen!" --Gene Shalit "...The Hell? I've seen better writing on UPN!" --Rex Reed "Pass the butter." --Roger Ebert YES! See it now before we replace it with "When Animals Attack Mike Tyson"! ========= (The Sliders are running from ghosts while carrying Maggie) Wade: How far? Quinn: If the phone book is right, it should be here! (They reach an old fire house) Wade: What're the odds there would be some operation like this on this world? Rembrandt: Odds? I call it bad writing! Jesse Glaspey: Bite me. Quinn: We're here! (They open the doors to the fire house. Carry Maggie inside and stand in awe at the garage of the Ghostbusters. They stand in awe so long that the door closes on Maggie's head. They drag her in.) Quinn: Alright! Set her down gently! 3...2...1...go! (They drop her on the floor.) Quinn: Good! (Janine looks up from her desk, then goes back to reading a newspaper.) Janine: Can I help you? Quinn: Is this the Ghostbusters? Janine: (Not looking up from the newspaper) No. This is the Empire State Building. Quinn: Wow. It changes with every world. Wade: Empire State Building? In New York? Janine: (Not looking up from the newspaper) No. The one on Mars. Rembrandt: Mars? I thought the timer only took us to California? Janine: (Not looking up from the newspaper) It does. Quinn: How do you know? Janine: (Not looking up from the newspaper)I don't. You kids don't seem to understand the art of sarcasm. Quinn: So we're in New York. Janine: (Setting the paper down) Yes. Wade: And this is the Ghostbusters? Janine: Yes. Rembrandt: So the fact we're in New York instead of California tosses out all continuity. Janine: Yes. Quinn: Okay. Just checking. Maggie: Who put the bomp in the bompshebopdoowop?!?! Janine: Is your friend okay? Quinn: She's possessed. Janine: Cash or credit? Wade: Cash. Quinn: Credit. Janine: Which one? Wade: Credit. Quinn: Cash. Janine: WHICH ONE? Rembrandt: Credit! (Remmy hands Janine Maggie's credit card.) Janine: WE GOT ONE!!!!! (The Ghostbusters come sliding down the pole and land on Maggie.) Peter: Okay! What's the job? Janine: These weirdoes say the weird girl with the hooters is possessed. Maggie: I'm looking for the gatekeeper and Abe Vigoda! Egon: Hmm. Are you the keymaster? Maggie: (Imitating Ed McMahon) THAT IS CORRECT SIR! Egon: Put her in the lab. Ray: It's closed. We're fumigating for roaches. Egon; Then stick her in the can. Winston: Done and done! (Ray and Winston throw Maggie in the bathroom.) Peter: (To Wade) So. Do you hang around possessed girls often? Wade: Only if the writers get desperate. Ray: So when did she get possessed? Quinn: When we came out of an interdimensional wormhole which is still open and releasing ghosts and weird stuff into this earth. Ray: Hmm. What color is the wormhole? Rembrandt: Bluish-greenish-red. Egon: And were there any unusual sounds? Quinn: Besides the lack of the bleeps, the sweeps and the creeps? Ray: The what? Egon: The what? Winston: And the what? Quinn: Bleeps. (Quinn bleeps) Sweeps. (Quinn makes a sweeping noise) And the Creeps. (Quinn makes a creeping sound). Peter: That's not all he's got a lack of. Egon: Is that wormhole still open? Quinn: I guess so. What's up with it? Egon: I'm sorry? I don't speak hip talk. Quinn: (Pauses) I mean, what is wrong with the wormhole? Egon: Oh, it's only channeling things from all sorts of other dimensions and it might end life in all dimensions. Quinn: Been there, done that. (A pause) All: D'oh! Peter: (To Wade) So do you have a boyfriend? Wade: I'm not interested. (Peter pauses) Peter: What about your possessed friend? Wade: Agh! MEANWHILE.... (The wormhole pauses from releasing ghosts to allow a starship to pass through.) Janeway: Where are we? Kim: Earth. Crew: Yay. Kim: 1997 Crew: D'oh! MEANWHILE.... (In Acme Labs, A telescope is pointing at the park looking at Voyager) Brain: Amazing, Pinky! This interdimesional vortex could be the key to tonight's plan! Pinky: What are we going to do tonight Brain? Brain: Same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try and take over the world!! Pinky: Narf! MEANWHILE.... (In Washington DC, Mulder and Scully are watching the news.) Scully: Bah! Do you believe these reports of ghosts and spaceships, Mulder? (Silence) Scully: Mulder? (Scully turns and sees Mulder's chair, empty and spinning. A dust cloud in the shape of Mulder dissapearing and Mulder's footprints on fire.) Scully: Shit. (Scully gets up and walks out.) WILL OUR DIMENSIONS BE DESTROYED? IS MAGGIE POSSESSED OR IS SHE ON DRUGS? IF SHE'S THE KEYMASTER, WHO'S THE GATEKEEPER? WILL PETER VENKMAN SCORE WITH WADE? WHY THE HELL IS VOYAGER HERE? WHAT DO PINKY AND THE BRAIN HAVE TO DO WITH THIS? WILL MULDER AND SCULLY SOLVE THE MOST OBVIOUS OF CASES? THESE ANSWERS AND MORE! PLUS LOGAN SAINT CLAIRE, CANCER MAN, Q, SLIMER AND GOODFEATHERS! ALL IN "WHAT THE HELL? PART 2: 12 MONKEYS AT 12 TYPEWRITERS!"