What the hell? The Ultimate Sliders/Ghostbusters/X-Files/Voyager/Pinky and the Brain Crossover! (Okay so it’s the first. BACK OFF!) By Jesse "I’m Keyzer Soze’s pool boy!" Glaspey. Note: This story takes place after ‘Let’s Do The Time Warp Again.' And has references to Jason Donner’s X-Files/Sliders parodies and Sliders/Voyager crossover. Part 2: 12 Monkeys at 12 typewriters! Narrator: When last we saw our heroes, the Sliders. They had slid from Evil Dead world to Ghostbusters/Conspiracy Earth. Maggie ended up getting possessed (AGAIN) by the Keymaster. The Ghostbusters stuck her in the bathroom. The sliding tunnel isn’t closing and is letting all sorts of thingies through and is threatening to destroy life as we know it. AGAIN. Voyager came through and Pinky and The Brain want to use it to take over the world. Mulder and Scully are on their way to New York city to investigate. The Cubs are losing. What do they have in common? Read on! All will be explained (Except for the thing about the Cubs.) and if it’s not explained, blame it on the Sliders. They don’t give a rats ass about continuity. Quinn: Are you done yet? Narrator: I guess so. Quinn: Then pick up your check and hit the bricks! Narrator: Prick. (Narrator leaves.) (Quinn turns to the Ghostbusters, who are analyzing Maggie.) Quinn: What are you guys doing? Egon: We’ve just finished putting her through a series of tests. Psychologically, she’s hellbent on finding the Gatekeeper. Other than that, she’s a mindless twit. Rembrandt: No big change there. Ray: Physically, she hasn’t changed except for the head spinning and pea soup vomiting. Wade: Ah, she does that all the time!! Peter: And an EXTENSIVE physical has proved that her bazooms can’t be real! Quinn: Was the strip search really necessary? All the Ghostbusters: Oh yeah!!! (Slimer floats up to Wade) Slimer: Oh yeah! Blblblblblbb! Wade: AAAAHHHH! Slimer: AAAAAAHHHH! Wade: What the hell is that? Winston: Slimer. Our pet ghost and comic relief. Rembrandt: I thought that was Peter’s job. Peter: Jealous? Rembrandt: Touché Quinn: What does it do? Peter: Slimer? He eats. Drools. Babbles. Gets us in trouble. Not much else. Sliders: OH MY GOD! ITÆS PROFESSOR ARTURO! Slimer: Blistering idiots. Blblblblbbll. Rembrandt: Shouldn’t we be doing something about the portal opening and not closing! Egon: That’s not as fun as examining hooter-girl here. Peter: And we’re just waiting ætil the ghosts are in a full on invasion! We’ll have more jobs then! Rembrandt: Oh. Fair enough. ======= COMMERCIAL BREAK Boy: Sigh. I’m bored. Narrator: THEN TRY NEW FOX TV ACTION FIGURES!!!! Boy: YAY!! Narrator: Yes! Have fun with Breakaway Clothes Quinn Mallory! JODSers: WOO! Narrator: Investigate the unknown with Kung Fu Grip Fox Mulder and Power Punch Dana Scully! Boy: YEAH!! Narrator: Take a journey into terror with Karate Kick Frank Black! And Water Sqirting Visitor! Accessories like the Slidermobile with Running Action Wade and Gun Packing Maggie! Figure packs like the Transforming Lone Gunmen! Boy: They really form a gun! Yeah! Narrator: And coming soon! Tickle Me Cancerman and Tickle Me Kromagg! Boy: Yeah! ======= (Scene opens on Voyager, which is parked in the park while ghosts continue to fly out.) Janeway: (Looking at the ghosts and the portal) What the hell? Kim: Captain! You swore! Janeway: Shut up, Harry. Chakotay: Hey! Why don’t we tour the city! It’ll kill time! Paris: Save us the tourist act tattoo-boy! Chakotay: You got a better plan? Paris: (Pauses) I’ll get the Hawaiian T-shirts. Janeway: NO! We’re going to find out what’s going on here! Paris: Yeah, whatever ya fat bitch. Janeway: WHAT DID YOU SAY? Paris: I said I have a bad itch! Tuvok: Are you the Keymaster? Paris: No. Tuvok: (To Chakotay) Are you the Keymaster? Chakotay: No. Tuvok: (To Janeway) Are you the Keymaster? Janeway: No. Kim: Captain! Captain! Perhaps there’s a connection between the wormhole, those ectoplasmic organisms and Tuvoks current behavior! Janeway: Perhaps you are a fool, Harry. Chakotay: C’mon Captain! Let’s investigate! Seven of Nine: We have asked. But the fat bitch will not let us. Janeway: WHAT DID YOU SAY? Seven: I said that rabbits eat lettuce. Janeway: Oh. Yes they do. Fine! Paris, Chakotay, Seven! Take Tuvok, get Torres and the Doctor and head down there and scan that portal and those thingies! Buit don’t come crying to me if you get hurt! All: WOOHOO! FIELD TRIP! MEANWHILE... (Pinky and the Brain are under the ship looking around.) Brain: Hmm. I find it hard to believe that current technology can create such a amazing spaceship! Are you pondering what I’m pondering, Pinky? Pinky: Yeah, Brain! But how are we going to get Janet Reno and Marge Schott in thee same room? Brain: You have the intellect of a dead car battery. This spaceship is from the future! YES! Here is where I shall construct the largest ladder and climb to the ship, take it over and rule the world! (The Away team beams down and walks all over Pinky and the Brain) Pinky: How do we get in the ship if they can only get in and out through magic, Brain? Brain: Quiet, Pinky or I shall have to hurt you. MEANWHILE... (Back at the firehouse, Wade and Janine are sitting at the desk.) Wade: So let me get this straight, To pay for you doing your job, we’ll be working for you guys? Janine: Whatever works. Just get the phone when it rings, take the name, address, situation then scream "WE GOT ONE!" Wade: Got it. Anything else? Janine: Just sit back, relax and wait. Wade: This is the greatest job of all time. (Upstairs, Winston and Peter are interviewing Rembrandt and Quinn) Winston: Do you believe in ghosts, aliens, other dimensions, government conspiracies, superheroes and Santa Claus? (Quinn and Rembrandt stare at Peter and Winston) Peter: (To Winston) Just go ahead and check ‘yes’. Quinn: (Picking up the Proton Pack) What is this button right here? Ray: That’s the cup holder. Egon: Before I forget, do not cross the beams. Quinn: Why is that so important? Egon: Because it’s going to come up later, stupid! Quinn: Oh. Egon: Now you two put your proton packs cause we’re going to check out that wormhole! Quinn: Road trip! Rembrandt: Yippeee! Peter: I’ll stay behind and watch Maggie! Quinn: I bet you will! Egon: Dammit, Venkman! You’re going with them! I’m staying behind! Peter: (Pauses) Fine. (Peter, Quinn, Ray, Rembrandt, Winston get their proton packs and head out. A phone rings. Wade picks it up, writes something down and hangs up) Wade: WE GOT ONE!! Janine: (Reading the newspaper) You’re supposed to yell that WHEN THEY’RE HERE stupid. Wade: D’oh! MEANWHILE... (The Voyager away team is scanning the wormhole as Pinky and the Brain prepare.) Doctor: These creatures coming out of the wormhole are not human. Seven of Nine: No shit, Doctor. Doctor: Seven, has anyone ever told you how irritating you are? Seven: Not in the last five minutes. Torres: Aw man! Everyone knows how dumb she is! She’s dating Kim, for crissakes! Chakotay: Kim and Seven. (Chakotay and the away team begin to snicker, then break up laughing) Seven: Ah, shut your blathering human pieholes! Paris: Ohh. What’ll you do? Assimilate us? Seven: Assimilate this. (Flips Paris the bird.) Torres: Wow. She’s becoming more human everyday! Brain: (Brain and Pinky are now dressed like slackers) All right Pinky, remember the plan. We introduce ourselves as Gen-X slacker college geniuses who shall guide this crew around twentieth century earth, then we gain access to their ship and take over the world! Pinky: Right, Brain! What are our names again? Poink. Brain: I am Keanu Patric. You are Christian Hanson. Pinky: Righty-ooh Brain! Brain: (To Chakotay) Greetings from Earth! I am Keanu Patric! This is my slacker genius friend Christian Hanson. Do you need help from us genius humans? Chakotay: Well, if you know quantum physics. You could help. Brain: Well, I happen to know more than most humans do. Torres: That’s not much! Doctor: Word. Chakotay: Well, if you could help us get back home, you’re a better man than I. Brain: Actually, I’m not a man. I’m a genetically enhanced lab mouse. Paris: MOUSE?!?! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (Screams like a girl and runs away.) Tuvok: (To Pinky) Are you the Keymaster? Pinky: No, I’m um, um, um ....Oh! A handsome christian! Narf! Brain: That’s Christian Hanson, you twit. Paris: (Still running around.) AAAAAAHHHHH! Brain: May we get to work? Chakotay: Whatever. MEANWHILE... (Wade and Janine are sitting at the desk. Egon walks in.) Wade: How’s Maggie? Egon: I’m seeing if she can put specifically designed blocks into matching slots. Wade: How is she doing? Egon: She’s currently hammering a square peg into a round hole. Wade: That’s our Maggie! (Suddenly, Mulder and Scully barge in) Mulder: Freeze! CIA! Scully: (To Mulder) Psst! FBI, Moron! Mulder: I mean freeze! FBI! (Slimer flies up to Mulder and hugs him, sliming him and sending him crashing to the floor. Scully busts up laughing and passes out from laughing so hard.) Wade: Well, here we go AGAIN! WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NOW??? WILL MULDER AND SCULLY WAKE UP??? WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN QUINN, REMBRANDT, RAY, WINSTON AND PETER MEET UP WITH VOYAGER AND PINKY AND THE BRAIN??? WILL ANYONE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE GHOSTS??? WILL MAGGIE AND TUVOK MEET??? WILL ANYONE GET USED TO SEVEN OF NINE??? ALL THIS AND POSSIBLY MORE IN WHAT THE HELL? PART 3: WHEN ECTOPLASM HITS THE FAN!