"What the hell?" The Ultimate Sliders/Ghostbusters/X-Files/Voyager/Pinky and the Brain Crossover! (Okay so it's the first. BACK OFF!) By Jesse "Where were YOU when rush hour hit the water?" Glaspey. Note: This story takes place after 'Let's Do The Time Warp Again." And has references to Jason Donner's X-Files/Sliders parodies and Sliders/Voyager crossover. Part 3: When Ectoplasm hits the fan! Narrator: Yes! When we last saw all our heroes (and the X-files gang), Mulder and Scully had barged into the firehouse surprising secretary in training Wade and not surprising secretary Janine only to get slimed by Slimer! Maggie is still psychotic, possessed by the Keymaster and locked in the Ghostbuster's bathroom and Egon is 'studying' her. Not much of a change if you ask me. But after all, her best work was in that Eric Roberts movie. All: GET ON WITH IT! Narrator: Fine! Peter, Ray, Winston, Quinn and Rembrandt are headed to the park to check out the freaky wormhole which had Voyager come through! Already studying the wormhole are Seven, The Doctor, Paris, Chakotay, Torres and Tuvok (Who's possessed by the Gatekeeper) and Pinky and the Brain (Who're posing as Gen-X slacker geniuses Christian Hanson and Keanu Patric) and to make a long story short. All: TOO LATE! Narrator: We now join Mulder and Scully in the firehouse with Wade, Janine, Slimer, Egon and Psycho-girl...I mean Maggie. (Narrator passes out) (Egon, Wade and Slimer are standing over Mulder and Scully who are waking up.) Mulder: (waking up) Ohhhh mommy, I don't wanna go to school. Kids make fun of me! (Fully woken up now looking up at Slimer) AHHHH! Little green man! I'm going to be probed! AHHHH! Scully: (Waking up) AAAAHHHH! I fell asleep next to Mulder!! AHHHH! (Looking at Slimer now) AHHH! A COMPUTER GENERATED EFFECT!! Wade: (To Egon) What's she complaining about? Our show lives offa those! Egon: And you wonder why your show got canceled. Wade: You're mean! (Walks off) Mulder: What's going on here? Narrator: Well... Scully: NO! Not again! (Scully shoots the Narrator) Mulder! Do us a favor for once and READ THE SCRIPT! (Tosses the paper thin story at him.) Mulder: (Looking at the paper) Hmm. Interesting! Egon: You're looking at it upside down. Mulder: (Pauses, then turns the paper around.) Hmm. Interesting! AHA! A portal is opening in the park! I must be there!! Where is the park? Egon: Central Park. Mulder: Heh heh! Almost fooled me, you tricky bastard! It's got to be in Times Square! I trust no one! Egon: (pauses) Yeah, that's it. Go. Go, you crafty SOB, go. (Mulder runs off.) Scully: Wade? Wade: Scully? Scully: Have you left the cult? Wade: It's NOT A CULT! Egon: What's a cult? Janine: A group of psychotics, but that's not important. Scully: She's part of a cult that thinks they travel dimensions 'Spiders' or something. Wade: It's not a cult! Egon: As long as we keep getting paid, it can be whatever it wants. Scully: Why? What are they paying you to do? Egon: We bust ghosts. Scully: When one cult meets another...What next? Janine: Commercial. Scully, Wade and Egon: What? =========== Commercial Break? Coming soon to FOX, A special episode of the Visitor!!! Visitor: I'm here to help. Quinn: What the hell is this? Visitor: I'm the Visitor. Rembrandt: What do you do? Visitor: I help people in trouble with my alien powers. Wade: Is that it? Visitor: I was created by the ID4 guys. Maggie: LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT FOLKS! WE GET CANNED FOR RIPPING OFF TREMORS, ANACONDA, DUSK TIL DAWN, TWISTER AND OTHER STUFF BUT THE HALF ASSED RIPOFF OF 'STARMAN' GETS THE GREEN LIGHT? I BET IF OUR PRODUCERS MADE A CHEEZY SCI-FI FLICK WITH BILLIONS OF EFFECTS BUT A THIN STORYLINE WE'D STILL BE ON THE AIR! Visitor: Hey, Millenium follows my show! (The Sliders beat the shit out of the Visitor.) ============ (Meanwhile at the park, the The Doctor, Torres, Seven, Paris, Chakotay and Brain are scanning the wormhole. Tuvok and Pinky are dancing around. The ECTO-1 drives up to the site) Tuvok & Pinky: La la la la la la laaaaa.. Paris: There's something...unholy about this! Brain: We could always kill them. Paris: (Comtemplates it) Nah. Quinn: Here it is! Ray: My god! It's...huge! It's...magnificent! It...looks nothing like a portal! Rembrandt: Not the spaceship! The wormhole! Peter: Oh. Yeah. Don't worry about the massive spaceship. They're pretty common. Quinn: Do you ever take anything seriously? Peter: Like the fact that four people from another dimension hired us to exorsize their friend and close a portal that let a spaceship and a mess of ghosts through? Brain: And don't forget the fact that two lab mice intend to use the spaceship to take over the world. Peter: That too. Yeah! Those all deserve to be taken seriously! If you want to be taken seriously why'd you do Joe's Apartment? Quinn: Touché. Rembrandt: Hey, Doctor. Doctor: Hello, Mr. Brown. Quinn: Hi, Chakotay. Chakotay: Hi, Quinn. Peter: Hey baby. Seven: I am not a baby. (pouts then sucks on her thumb and holds a blanket) (A pause) Quinn & Rembrandt: VOYAGER! Chakotay, Doctor, Paris & Torres: SLIDERS! Ray, Winston, Peter, Seven & Brain: WHO? Pinky & Tuvok: The Keymaster? Mulder: (Running up to the fray) Stop! I'm not involved! Torres: That's an understatement. (Another pause) Mulder: VOYAGER! SLIDERS! Quinn, Rembrandt, Chakotay, Doctor, Paris & Torres: MULDER! Ray, Winston, Peter, Seven & Brain: WHO? George: MARSHA! Marsha: GEORGE! J. Jonah Jameson: PARKER! Kirk: KHANNNNNN! Narrator: STELLAAAAA!!! Brain: Stop this or I shall hurt you all. Mulder: Aliens from the future and Interdimensional travellers! I'm in heaven! Ray & Torres: Hell if we don't close the wormhole. (They stop) Ray & Torres: Stop copying me! (They stop again) Ray & Torres: I mean it! Brain: This is as pointless as an episode of that insipid show about the two bumbling FBI agents investigating the 'paranormal'. Mulder: Tell me about it. (Mulder pauses) Mulder: HEY! Paris: What's next in this freak show? Talking pigeons? Pesto: Are you saying that pigeons are freakish? Are you saying that we are a show for your amusement? That we should dance and jump and be merry for your enjoyment? Does our freakishness amuse you? Bobby & Squint: (To Paris) Oh, you shouldn't have said that! Paris: No! I didn't mean that! Pesto: THAT'S IT! (Pesto beats the shit out of Paris) Tuvok: (To the Ghostbusters and Sliders) Are you the Keymaster? Quinn, Ray, Winston &Rembrandt: Uh-oh! Peter: (To Torres) So,. Come through interdimensional portals often? Torres: I could snap you like a twig. Peter: I like a practical girl! Torres: ARGH! MEANWHILE... Janine: Okay, you pick up the phone take the name, address, situation then scream 'WE GOT ONE!' Scully: Got it. Wade: We can dig it. (Janine pauses then goes back to reading her paper.) (The phone rings. Scully and Wade pick up the phones take the notes and hang up.) Scully & Wade: WE GOT ONE! Janine: Wait 'til they get back! MEANWHILE... (On the bridge of Voyager, Janeway is sitting back relaxing when Harry comes up.) Kim: Um, Captain? Someone to see you! Janeway: I'm having a time out, Harry. It can wait! Kim: I think you should see this! Janeway: What? WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT THAT I CAN'T RELAX? (Janeway sees Cancer Man with a gun to Kim's and Neelix's head.) Janeway: Oh. (Pauses) Carry on. (Cancer Man sighs. A portal then opens and Logan Saint Claire Flies out and lands on Cancer Man.) Cancer Man: (Looking at Logan) Hey, baby. Logan St. Claire: Hey, handsome. (Janeway, Kim and Neelix shudder) Cancer Man: Wanna see me take over a starship? Logan St. Claire: Can we commit acts of violence? Cancer Man: Hey, We're on FOX! (The duo laughs sinisterly and hold guns to Kim's and Neelix's head. Janeway sees this and also begins to laugh. Kim also starts to laugh. Moron.) NOW WHAT?? WILL ANYONE CLOSE THE FRIGGIN' WORMHOLE?? WILL CANCER MAN AND LOGAN SAINT CLAIRE TAKE OVER VOYAGER?? WILL HARRY AND NEELIX GET SHOT?? WHO CARES IF THEY DO?? WILL PINKY AND THE BRAIN EVER GET TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD?? WILL VENKMAN PUT HIS HORMONES ON HOLD?? HOW MANY ASSISTANTS WILL JANINE NEED?? WILL WE EVER GET TO MAGGIE AND TUVOK?? ALL THIS AND MORE IN "WHAT THE HELL? PART 4: THE MORE, THE MESSIER!!"