"What the hell?" The Ultimate Sliders/Ghostbusters/X-Files/Voyager/Pinky and the Brain Crossover! (Okay so it's the first. BACK OFF!) By Jesse "Got Milk?" Glaspey. Note: This story takes place after 'Let's Do The Time Warp Again." And has references to Jason Donner's X-Files/Sliders parodies and Sliders/Voyager crossover. Part 4: The More, The Messier! Narrator: When last we left our heroes...What the hell am I doing? If you haven't been following the story and can't comprehend it, GO BACK AND READ IT AGAIN! Why are you starting on chapter 4? Read parts 1, 2 and 3! But for those of you that crave this claptrap, We join All the Ghostbusters, Sliders, Mulder and Scully, Pinky and the Brain, Seven, Torres, Tuvok, Chakotay, the Doctor and Paris are all at the firehouse ahnging out.Meanwhile the wormhole hasn't closed and Cancerman and Logan St. Claire Have taken Voyager hostage. Anyways...on with the shit... I MEANT SHOW! Janine: (to Seven of Nine) Okay, you pick up the phone. Take the address and shout WE GOT ONE! Seven: We got one. Wade: Easy, isn't it? Scully: Even she could understand the directions! (Scully and Wade laugh at Seven) Seven: You may bite me. Egon: (To Doctor)...So we should keep Tuvok and Maggie apart or they might mate and let an evil demon loose. Doctor: (pauses) are you on crack? If anything this might improve Tuvok's disposition! Egon: He doesn't need to get laid that badly! Doctor: Well, We locked Tuvok in that closet over there. Quinn: And we locked Maggie in that bathroom. Brain: And I locked Pinky in the blender. Pinky: (Spinning around) Narf! Mulder: (Looking at Slimer) My god! A g-g-g-ghost! Slimer: (Licks Mulder) Mulder: ARGH! Scully! I've been slimed! Scully: No you haven't. You just sneezed. Ray: Is she always like this? Mulder: More than I can stand. Rembrandt: IS ANYONE GOING TO TAKE CARE OF THE GHOSTS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF THE WORMHOLE? Janine: No one's called! Paris: And I don't see any more ghosts! Torres: I wonder what happened? MEANWHILE... (At Central Perk, Pheobe walks in with her new boyfriend-of-the-week) Rachel: Hey, who's your boyfriend? Pheobe: Oh, his name's Q. Q: Bonjour. Friends: Hi Q! Ross: Hey did you hear about all the weird goings on with ghosts and all that? Pheobe: Oh! Yeah. Q made all the ghosts go away to impress me. Q: It was nothing, mon capitane. Pheobe: And Q knows, like, everything! In the universe. Chandler: Could you BE any more gullible? Q: I don't like you. (Q snaps his fingers and Chandler turns into a goat.) Joey: Oo! Me next! Me next ========= Commercial Break Narrator: STARSHIP TROOPERS: THE SERIES!! Watch as Johnny Rico gets his ass kicked by every sci-fi franchise EVER !!! (Johnny Rico is running around with a bunch of troopers into that base thing. They see they're about to get attacked by Aliens, Predators, Shadows, Bugs, Klingons, Jem' Hadar, Borg, Kazon, Ewoks) Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap! Rico: Kill 'em all! (An Ewok throws a rock tied to a string and smacks Rico in his goonies.) Narrator: Yes! Mayhem! Carnage! Worthless spaceships getting hit by bug turds! Shower scenes! Be there! ========= (Voyager: The bridge. Logan Saint Claire and Cancer Man are holding the ship hostage.) Janeway: What do you want from us this time you freak? You stole our warp drive once! Cancerman: And now I want your transporter! Kim: Wasn't that how you originally got on our ship in the first place? Cancerman: My old one broke. Neelix: How? Cancerman: I spilled some beer on it. (Pauses) Regardless! I want your transporters! And I want you to show me how to use it! Kim: But when you transported on and stole our warp drive, Wouldn't you have had to know how to use it? Cancerman: Shut UP! Kim: Just trying to point out continuity flaws. Logan St. Claire: With the sliders around? Shyeaahhh right! And Monkeys might fly out of my butt! Neelix: Monkeys fly out of your butt? How do you walk? Logan St. Claire: Shut UP! Janeway: Now you see what I have to deal with. Logan & Cancerman: Poor woman. (They escort Jaenway, Kim and Neelix to the transporter room and stand by the controls.) Cancerman: Okay, beam 'em here! Janeway: Who? Cancerman: Mulder and Scully. Logan: And the Sliders! Janeway: I knew THAT! Where are they? Kim: Scan for low IQ's. (They all laugh. Janeway looks at Cancerman. They shrug.) Janeway: (looking at the controls, scanning for low IQ's) I think I found them! Wow, there's a lot of them! Got a lock in 4...3...2...AH- CHOOOOO! (Sneezes on the controls) Oops. Cancerman: Oops what? (Janine and her desk beam in. Janine looks up, gazes around and goes back to reading.) Logan: Try again! Try scanning for hormones this time! (Janeway complies. She gets a lock and sneezes again. Paris beams in.) Paris: What the hell? Cancerman: Shit! What the hell is this? Kim: He's my friend! Paris: AHHHH! AAAHHHH! Beam me back! Beam me back! Logan: Again. Have the freak do it! We don't want you sneezing again! (Kim walks to the controls. Cancerman pushes him.) Cancerman: Not you. The other freak! (Neelix takes the controls and farts, screwing up this beam-up also. Ray beams in.) Ray: My god. I've been abducted! Well, might as well take the probing like a man! (Drops his pants) Logan: PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON! Ray: (Does what he's ordered) Hi, Janine. (Janine mumbles) Cancerman: (As Kim takes the controls) Try a large group of people! MEANWHILE... (The firehouse, people are panicking that they're getting beamed sporadically.) Chakotay: AAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!! Quinn: Get a hold of yourself man! (Slaps Chakotay) Doctor: Let me take care of this. I'm a physician. (Shakes Chakotay and then slaps him) Peter: Hold on. I'll take care of this. (Slaps Chakotay) Scully: I'll take care of this! DAMMIT, MAN! CONTROL YOURSELF!(Slaps Chakotay) Seven: I shall efficiently take care of this. (Slaps Chakotay and kicks him in the jewels) Brain: Let me take care of this. I shall have to hurt him. (Hits Chakotay with a baseball bat) (A line forms for people to beat the shit out of Chakotay.) Pinky: Brain, when are we going to take over the world? Brain: The next time someone is transported out we shall jump on their feet and stowaway on the ship and then...TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! Rembrandt: Who's gonna take over the world? Brain: I am. Rembrandt: Cool. Can I help? Brain: (Pauses then whispers to Pinky) Perhaps. You will need to answer a few questions. Do you smoke? Rembrandt: No. Brain: Drink? Rembrandt: No. Brain: Drugs? Rembrandt: No. Brain: You should. It might give you a personality. (Brain laughs loudly) Rembrandt: (Takes a moment for it to register) HEY! Pinky: What is the airspeed velocity of a unladen swallow? Rembrandt: African or European? (Pinky is silent) Brain: Very well. Because two lackeys are better than one, I shall allow you to work for me. Rembrandt: Yahoo! Narf! Brain: (Pauses) I fear I have been in error. (A Transporter starts to beam the area with Mulder and Torres out) Brain: Pinky! Rembrandt! NOW! (Brain and Rembrandt run into the transporter beam. Pinky jumps on Torres' foot.) MEANWHILE... (The transporter room is getting crowded. Cancerman and Logan are irritated. Kim and Neelix are at the controls arguing. Janeway is laughing her ass off. Janine is doing her nails. Ray is sleeping. Paris is having a drink. Mulder, Torres, Rembrandt and Pinky and the Brain beam in) Cancerman: MULDER! Mulder: CANCERMAN! Logan: A slider! Rembrandt: Logan Saint Claire! Logan & Cancerman: About time we got one! Mulder: I've been abducted by...Cancerman? Boy, what a twist! But damned if I'm gonna let you probe me! Cancerman: Ah shaddap and sit down! Rembrandt: What's your plan, Logan you sick wench! Logan: (To herself) Of all the sliders, I get the useless one! Sit down over there! (Mulder and Rembrandt look at each other, shrug and sti down by the group.) Paris: (To Torres) Honey! You're back! Torres: NARF! Pinky: HEY! I'm down here! And why can I see myself? (Paris looks down and sees Pinky.) Paris: Oh no. Brain: Oh no. Mr. Paris? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Paris: My girlfriend and your sidekick have switched brains? Pinky/Torres: I thought you were thinking that Batman and Robin was so good! Everyone: Quiet Pinky or we shall have to hurt you. Torres/Pinky: Can someone get me some clothes? This rat is naked! NOW WHAT? WILL TORRES AND PINKY SWITCH THEIR MINDS BACK? WILL CHAKOTAY GET SLAPPED AGAIN? WILL THE WORMHOLE EVER CLOSE? FIND OUT IN 'WHAT THE HELL PART 5: THE GOOF IS OUT THERE!"