"What the hell?" The Ultimate Sliders/Ghostbusters/X-Files/Voyager/Pinky and the Brain Crossover! (Okay so it's the first. BACK OFF!) By Jesse "Johnny Rico's commanding officer!" Glaspey. Note: This story takes place after 'Let's Do The Time Warp Again." And has references to Jason Donner's X-Files/Sliders parodies and Sliders/Voyager crossover. Part 5: The Goof Is Out There! Narrator: Alright! I'm going into overtime pay here! But I'm only going to tell you the basics! Torres and Pinky switched brains! Tuvok and Maggie are still possesed! Cancerman and Logan Saint Claire have kidnapped Janeway, Kim, Paris, Neelix, Janine, Ray, Pinky, Torres, Brain and Mulder. The others are probably next! I'm outta here! (The Narrator leaves. There is a five minute pause where he should be explaining how the portal, which has stopped spewing ghosts is still opening and threatening humanity but if it's not one thing it's another as the gang has to deal with Cancerman and Logan!) All: Enough already! (Okay! Geez, far be it from me to straighten things out!) All: Good luck! (Argh. What-ever! We pick up in the Voyager transporter room. Cancerman and Logan Saint Claire are trying to figure out what to do.) Cancerman: I say we kill 'em all. Logan Saint Claire: I say we torture 'em. Kim: What'cha upto? Cancerman: We're trying to decide how to kill you all. Kim: How about a beheading? Logan: Hey! Smart idea! Now why don't you get the axe! Kim: (Laughing) This is a spaceship! We don't carry axes! Logan: THEN I GUESS WE CAN'T HAVE A BEHEADING, CAN WE! Kim: Y-y-y-you're mean! (Kim runs off crying) (Torres prances by) Torres(w/Pinky's brain): La la la la la la narf! Janeway: Well, now what do we do with her? Paris: Yeah. There's only room for one ranting nimrod. Neelix: You called? Paris: Take off, hoser! (Neelix looks puzzled. Then gives Paris the finger.) Janeway: (Looking at Brain) Now what? Brain: Perhaps if you give her a piece of cheese, she'll follow orders. Janeway: I mean how do we switch their minds back? Brain: It's your starship! You figure it out. Pinky(w/Torres' brain): Dammit! I don't wanna be in this stupid mouse's body forever! Brain: Wait! Perhaps if I had access to your computer, I could figure out a way to switch their minds. Yes! Janeway: Really? Brain: Yes. Then I shall memorize your access codes and then when you least expect it, I shall take control of the starship and TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Janeway: Whatever. Pinky(w/Torres' brain): Hey! Don't forget me!!!!! (Torres accidentally kicks Pinky sending her flying through the air. Pinky slams into Ray, knocking him to the ground.) Ray: Owwwww. Rembrandt: Is there a doctor in the ship? Mulder: I'm a doctor! Let me help! Cancerman: You're a FBI agent! Sit down and shut up! Mulder: (Pauses) Sorry. (Mulder walks off.) (Janine is on a phone talking when Rembrandt walks up) Rembrandt: Who are you talking to? Janine: My mother. She gets sooo worried when spaceships appear out of nowhere and abduct me. Rembrandt: (Realizes something.) Hey! We can call the firehouse and warn the others! Janine: Whatever. Rembrandt: Let me use the phone! Janine: Fine. You explain to my mother why I'm still single! (shoves the phone at Rembrandt) Rembrandt: (To phone) She's a lesbian. (Hangs up the phone then dials the firehouse) Seven of Nine: Ectoplasmic entity annhiliators. How may I help you? Rembrandt: What? Seven: Ghostbusters. How may I help you? Rembrandt: It's Rembrandt! I'm being held captive on Voyager! Seven: Are there ghosts there? Rembrandt: No. Why? Seven: I was assigned the task of recording calls concerning ghosts. Since you have no ghosts to bust, I am hanging up. (Seven hangs up) Rembrandt: Agh! Logan: What are you up to? Rembrandt: Um...phone sex. Logan: Ewwwww. You pervert! (Logan hurries away.) (Rembrandt dials again.) Scully: Ghostbusters. How may I help you? Rembrandt: It's Rembrandt! I'm being held captive on Voyager! Scully: What's Voyager? Rembrandt: The big spaceship in Central Park! Scully: Oh, the big modern art statue. Rembrandt: Dammit! We're all in danger! Torres and Pinky's brains have switched! We need a doctor! Scully: Might I recommend a psychiatrist? Who's Pinky and who's Torres? Rembrandt: The stupid little rat that hangs out with the smart rat! Torres is the bitchy Klingon! Scully: (pauses) Rrriiiggghhhttt! (Hangs up.) Rembrandt: Shit! (Dials again) Wade: Hi! Welcome to Ghostbusters! I'm Wade! How may I help you? Rembrandt: WADE! Get Quinn and the others! It's Rembrandt! I'm being held captive on Voyager! Wade: Hi Rembrandt! Who else is with you? Rembrandt: Umm...Mulder...Ray and Janine...Pinky and the Brain...a bunch of Voyager folks...Cancerman...Logan Saint Claire... Wade: LOGAN SAINT CLAIRE?!?! That bitch! We'll be right there! Guns blazing, ready to take her out! You won't have died in vain! Be strong! (Wade hangs up) Rembrandt: Wha?? Wade: WE GOT ONNNNNEEEE!!!! =========== COMMERCIAL BREAK Coming soon to a theatre near you, An American Werewolf In Paris! It's hairy! It's gruesome! It's smelly! And that's just the French people! Come see the movie! There's like a werewolf or...something! But then, it could just be that weird guy from Bush. =========== (The gang is huddled around a table in the firehouse. Chakotay, Peter, Egon, Winston, The Doctor and Quinn all have proton packs on) Chakotay: All right, since we can't beam aboard, we'll rush the ship blasting! Seven, Scully and Wade will stay here and watch Maggie and Tuvok. Egon: Is this plan wise? Five people attacking a starship? Chakotay: DON'T QUESTION MY AUTHORITY! Egon: What authority? Chakotay: I don't have time to answer all these questions! Let's go! (Chakotay runs into the ECTO-1) Chakotay: How do I work this thing? Winston: We are soooooo dead. (Meanwhile, back on the Voyager. The entire gang is in the mess hall) Cancerman: There! now we actually have room! Kim:(Looking at Janine and her desk) Why did we have to bring that desk? Logan: Y'know, I'm wondering that myself? Mulder: Probably part of that sonovabitch's plan! Cancerman: What did you say? Mulder: I said 'Baywatch stars Mitch Buchanan'. Cancerman: Oh...yes it does. Janeway: So what are your plans for my ship? Cancerman: I'm going to use it to scare the government into submission! Then I shall rule the world with Logan as my queen! Rembrandt: Where did you get that dastardly plan? Cancerman: A comic book with Doctor Doom. Paris: You fiend! Kim:(To Brain) Looks like you've got competition. Brain: Hmm. Brain need not fear the Marlboro Man! Cancerman: Cancer Man! Brain: Whatever. Pinky: Dammit! Why don't you guys stop talking about world domination and help me get back into my body! Logan: Why? You're less irritating this way! Torres: Excuse me! But have you ever noticed that people drive down parkways and park in driveways? Logan:(pauses) I could be wrong. (MEANWHILE...The ECTO-1 is pulling up outside the ship.) Chakotay: Alright! First we announce our attack, then we attack! Quinn: Don't we lose the element of surprise that way? Chakotay: Shuddup science boy! (Chakotay grabs a bullhorn. Half of Chakotay's face is painted blue.) Chakotay: ATTENTION! TO THE PEOPLE HOLDING VOYAGER HOSTAGE! RELEASE THE SHIP AND WE WILL LET YOU LIVE! FREEDOM! Egon, Peter, Winston, Doctor and Quinn: FREEDOM! Neelix: Freedom! Cancerman: Shut up. Neelix: Sorry. Cancerman: What do we have to stop these nitwits? I'm not wasting bullets on them! Janeway: I'm not shooting nobody. Kim: Yeah. Neelix: Ditto. Mulder: My gun's full of water. Ray: Why? Mulder: No reason. (Ray raises an eybrow and slowly backs away from Mulder) Cancerman: So what do we have? A fucking cuisinart? Janeway: We can let you throw Neelix's food at them! Paris: PLEASE throw the food! Cancerman:.....Ah what the hell. (The Voyager group runs toward the window and prepares to throw food) (Chakotay's gang prepares to attack.) Chakotay: ATTACK! (The group rushes forward and blasts away with the proton packs. Cancerman and the gang start whipping hot clam chowder down on them.) Chakotay: ARGH! Quinn: AAAAH! Peter: D'oh! Janine: This is the dumbest fight of all time. (Chakotay's gang is running around, screaming as hot clam chowder rains down on them.) Chakotay: Run away! All: RUN AWAY! (They don't make it far. The transporter beams them up.) MEANWHILE... (Wade, Scully and Seven are playing cards. An alarm beeps.) Scully: Seven, go check on Maggie and Tuvok. Seven: Why must I do it? Wade: You owe everyone for dating Harry. Seven: Rassen frassen...(mumbles something and heads to the bathroom to check on them) (Seven opens up the bathroom to see Maggie drinking out of the toilet.) Seven: Everything here is nominal. (Seven opens up the closet and sees it empty. As she leans in, Tuvok gives her the vulcan nerve pinch. He opens up the bathroom door.) Maggie: (looking up from the toilet) Are you the gatekeeper? Tuvok: Yes. Are you the Keymaster? Maggie: Yes. Come here often? (The door closes, The Righteous Brothers' "Unchained Melody" begins to play.) Scully: Do you hear something? Wade: Nah. UH OH! NOW THEY'VE DONE IT! WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW THAT MAGGIE AND TUVOK ARE DOING THE NASTY? WILL ANYONE ESCAPE CANCERMAN'S AND LOGAN SAINT CLAIRE'S WRATH? WHO WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD? WILL PINKY AND TORRES SWITCH THIER BRAINS BACK? ALL THIS AND JAY AND SILENT BOB IN "WHAT THE HELL, PART 6: STARSHIT POOPERS!