"What the hell?" The Ultimate Sliders/Ghostbusters/X-Files/Voyager/Pinky and the Brain Crossover! (Okay so it's the first. BACK OFF!) By Jesse "IT'S A TRAP!" Glaspey. Note: This story takes place after 'Let's Do The Time Warp Again." And has references to Jason Donner's X-Files/Sliders parodies and Sliders/Voyager crossover. Part 6: STARSHIT POOPERS! Narrator: Well, now they've done it! Wade, Scully and Seven of Nine allowed Maggie and Tuvok to knock boots! Everyone else has been kidnapped by Cancerman and Logan Saint Claire! So let's join the action inside the bathroom of the firehouse... (Maggie and Tuvok are wrapped in the bathroom's Elmo shower curtain) Maggie: Was it good for you, Gatekeeper? Tuvok: I've had better, Keymaster. Maggie: If I had a nickel for everytime I heard that... Tuvok: Actually, my right hand was better. Maggie: (pause) What-ever. Talk to your hand! Mind meld with it or something! You DO need a brain! MEANWHILE... (Downstairs, Wade and Scully are playing Star Wars Monopoly) Wade: HA! You owe me 2000 credits for landing on Coruscuant! Scully: You want it! Come and get it, you dirty hippie! (Wade is about to lunge over the table to choke Scully when Seven comes in) Seven: Homina homina homina... Wade: Problem? Seven: Yes. Scully: What is it? Seven: Maggie...and Tuvok! Wade: What? Seven: They did the horizontal mambo. Scully: What? Seven: The trampoline tango. Wade: Huh? Seven: They pounded out passion. Scully: Bah? Seven: They made whoopee! Wade: What's whoopee? Seven: Being...intimate. Slimer: What? Like fucking? blblblblblblblb. Seven: YES! YES! SEX! THEY HAD SEX! GET IT NOW? THEY MADE LIKE RABBITS ON CRACK!!! (The entire group shudders.) Wade: My god! We have to get the gang here! Where are they? Scully: According to the last chapter, they're on that big statue. Seven: They are on Voyager. Scully: The statue. Seven: Voyager. Scully: Statue. Seven: Voyager! Scully: Statue! Seven: VOYAGER! Scully: STATUE! (Seven and Scully start strangling each other. Wade pulls them apart.) Wade: Helllooooo! We have to get the Ghostbusters! (Seven, Wade and Scully shrug.) Wade: Slimer! Stay here and watch Maggie and Tuvok! If they try to leave. Slime'em! Slimer: What-ever. blblblblblblb. Wade: Let's go! (Wade, Scully and Seven run outside and stop as they see there's no car.) Seven: Shit. How do we get there now? (The trio hears rap music. They turn to see Jay busting moves while Silent Bob smokes a cigarette while leaning against a car.) Scully: Hey! You! Jay: What'chu want baby? Damn, I'm a MAD chick magnet! Scully: I'm commandeering this car! FBI! Jay: (to Silent Bob) You believe this shit? (Silent Bob nods) No way, noonch. Wade: Please! Jay: How about as payment, Miss FBI, the short chick and the Borg queenie all get a little filet-o-fish sandwich goin' on! (Jay starts gyrating) Wade: Ew!!!!! Seven: Very Well. Jay: DAMN! Gonna be like friggin' finger-cuffs! Scully: DAMMIT! If we don't get that car, I'll shoot you dead! Jay: Damn. You one rude motherfucker. Where you headed? Wade: Central Park! Jay: Really? Hell, we're going there anyways! Hop in! Silent Bob! To the Blunt-mobile! (They all hop in the car and drive off.) =========== COMMERCIAL BREAK Coming soon...the most contrevercial comic book...meets the dumbest TV show on Earth... PREACHER VS. THE POWER RANGERS! Narrator: Yes! The fight you've always wanted to see! (Cassidy is ripping Jason's throat out. Tulip is shooting other rangers) Rev. Jesse Custer: (using the 'word' on Tommy) Go fuck yourself. Alpha: Ay yiyiyiyi! Zordon! Tommy's severed penis is stuck in his own colon! Narrator: Yes! It's gruesome. It's witty! It's fun for the whole family! Cassidy: (Drinking power ranger blood) Watch it, yeh bollicks! Followed by Power Rangers meet Spider-man. Spider-man: Plot hole sense....TINGLING! =========== (On Voyager...Everyone is now crammed in the holodeck.) Cancerman: All right! For the last time! Could everyone please group together? We need to count how many of you there are! 1...2...3...4...5... Torres(w/Pinky's brain): 97868.847... Peter: 1-900-118-6969... Rembrandt: 666! 666! Cancerman: Dammit! Can't you losers help out! Janeway: Screw this. Holodeck! Call up program Janeway 1.7! (The DaVinci program comes up.) DaVinci: Ah, Katherine! How are you? Quinn & Rembrandt: PROFESSOR ARTURO! DaVinci: Shit! They found me! Pinky(w/Torres' brain): (Jumping up and down on a chair) Dammit! Get me back in my body! (DaVinci, getting tired of having to stand for minutes at a time, sits down on the chair, smooshing Pinky/Torres.) DaVinci: DAMMIT! I'M NOT EVEN ON THE SHOW ANYMORE AND THEY STILL MAKE FAT JOKES! Jesse Glaspey: Sorry. Want some Cheezy Poofs? DaVinci: Oh! Cheezy Poofs! Cancerman: HEY! Knock it off! (shuts the holodeck off) Pinky(w/Torres' brain): Owwwwwwww. Quinn: Captain, when do we try to make a breakout? Janeway: I dunno. Egon: When do we try to fix that wormhole thingie? Janeway: I dunno. Mulder: When do we beat up Cancerman? Janeway: I dunno. Paris: When do we fix Torres? Janeway: Who cares? Rembrandt: And where's Logan Saint Claire? Janine: The can. (Seven, Wade, Scully, Jay and Silent Bob run in the room) Seven: Captain! Maggie and Tuvok have had sex! Quinn: That slut. Peter: Way to go, Tuvok! (The entire group shudders) Cancerman: (fumbling for a cigarette) Damn, outta cigarettes. Jay: I gotta cigarette for you. (Snickering as he hands him a joint) Cancerman: (lights the joint) Ahhhhhhh. Wade: What kind of cigarette is that? Jay: Try one and find out. (Hands one to Wade) Neelix: What kind of herbs are in those? Jay: Try it! Snootchie bootchies. (Hands one to Neelix) (Five minutes later....Cancerman, Wade and Neelix are singing Bob Marley songs and eating everything in the kitchen.) Janeway: Quick! Grab Cancerman's gun! Torres(w/Pinky's brain): I got it! Narf! (Torres grabs the gun and begins to open fire randomly out the window. This being New York, the people return fire. Logan Saint Claire runs in.) Logan: HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? Kim: I think it's a party. Logan: You would. Nimrod. Chakotay: No! He's right! It is a party! We're all....singing! Quinn: That's right! (Jumps on the table) I think I love you! So what am I so afraid of?... Rembrandt: I've got tears in my fro...Lone Ranger and Tonto... Wade, Neelix & Cancerman: I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really, want...I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really, want... Peter: STAR WAAAARRRRSSSS...NOTHING BUT STARRR WARRRRSSSS...DON'T LET THEM ENDDDDD... Ray: Coming to ya! On a side road! Good lovin'! I got a truckload! I'm a soulll mannn... Doctor: FIIIIIGGGGGAAAAARRRROOOOO! Figarofigarofigarofigarofigaro FIIIIIGGGAAARRROOO... Kim, Seven & Mulder : MM-Bop! Janeway, Egon, Scully & Brain: Y! M! C! A! Logan: ARRRRGGGHH! CAN'T STAND... ALL THIS CRAPPY MUSIC! (Logan begins to sway) (Silent Bob closes his eyes and reaches across the room. Logan's gun flies out of her hand into his. Silent Bob then gives Logan the Vulcan nerve pinch) Doctor: Damn! Just like muthafucking Yoda and shit! Jay: (looking at Logan's and Cancerman's unconcious bodies) Power of the Dark Side. Brain: YES! PINKY, NOW IS OUR CHANCE! TO THE BRIDGE! (Torres(w/Pinky's brain) grabs Brain and they rush to the bridge. They turn the ignition and start the ship up. They rise into the air.) Janeway: Aw, crap. Who left the keys in? (Everyone stares at Kim) Kim: Sorry, my bad. MEANWHILE... (In the fire house, Slimer is eating the fridge when he hears a thud. Slimer flies into the bathroom and sees a huge demon with Maggie's hair and boobs and Tuvok's ears.) Slimer: AHHHHH! DENNIS RODMAN! Demon: Hey....Sometimes words can hurt! Now time out! AH GEEZ, ONE THING LEADS TO ANOTHER, HERE! WILL THE CREW REGAIN CONTROL OF VOYAGER? WILL ANYONE FIX TORRES AND PINKY'S BRAINS? WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THAT DEMON? ALL THIS AND MORE CHAOS IN THE CONCLUSION OF "WHAT THE HELL? PART 7: ANOTHER GREAT IDEA DOWN THE CRAPPER!"