"What the hell?" The Ultimate Sliders/Ghostbusters/X-Files/Voyager/Pinky and the Brain Crossover! (Okay so it's the first. BACK OFF!) By Jesse "With Kung Fu grip!" Glaspey. Note: This story takes place after 'Let's Do The Time Warp Again." And has references to Jason Donner's X-Files/Sliders parodies and Sliders/Voyager crossover. Part 7: ANOTHER GREAT IDEA DOWN THE CRAPPER! Narrator: AND WE'RE IN THE HOME STRETCH! When last we left all our heroes (And I mean ALL!) Slimer discovered a politically correct demon that looks like a cross between Maggie and Tuvok after they did the Lying-down Lambada! Brain took over the Enterpr...I mean Voyager. And Jay and Silent Bob took down Cancerman and Logan Saint Claire. Now we pick up on board Voyager as it careens around New York. By the way...what am I getting paid for all of this work? Mulder: A collection of the best episodes of NightMan! (Mulder holds up one tape.) Narrator: FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU! (Narrator flips off Mulder and the crew, grabs his crotch and leaves.) (Voyager is veering left and right) All: Whhhhhhoooooaaaaaa! Mulder: I THINK I'M GONNA SPEW! Doctor: (Holds up a dixie cup) If you're gonna spew...Spew into this. Kim & Neelix: I'M SCARED! Cancerman: (Screams like a little girl) AHHHHHHHH! Jay: Goddamn, this is one wacky ride! (Scully is standing completly still.) Wade: How do you do that? Scully: Do what? Wade: Stay completly still as this spaceship flies all around New York? Scully: (pause)......What spaceship? Chakotay: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIEEEE!!!!! Janeway: Dammit! Knock it off! (Slaps Chakotay) Seven: I'll handle this!! (Slaps him again) Janeway: Wait one minute! I'm the Captain here! I'll take care of this! (Slaps Chakotay) Seven: You are inefficent. I shall fix the problem the right way. (Slaps Chakotay) Jay: I'll take care of this sloppy bitch! (Slaps Chakotay) Seven: You are not doing it right. Use the back of your hand. Like this! (Slaps Chakotay) Egon: You're the one not doing it right! You have to put your wrist into it! (Slaps Chakotay) Wade: You're all doing it wrong! Attack from your shoulder, not your hands! (Slaps Chakotay and knocks him out) Quinn: Where did you learn that? Wade: You can't hang out with Maggie for a long time and not pick up some tricks! Quinn: Hmmm... (Janines desk slides across the room and nails Paris, Rembrandt and Ray) Ray: Figures we had to buy an oak desk! Paris: Owwwwwww..... (Meanwhile, on the bridge) Brain: Yes, Pinky! Once I figure out how to fly this contraption, We shall fly to the U.N. and then...TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Torres(W/Pinky's brain): Gee, Brain! But once we take over the world, Who will watch our cage for us? Brain: (pauses) The Spice Girls. Wade: (walks in) Hi, Brain! Brain: Hi, Wade. Wade: Hi, Pinky. Torres(W/Pinky's brain): Creepings and Salmonations! Zork! Brain: That's greetings and salutations. Wade: Whatever. Can you guys do me a favor? Brain: What? Wade: Can you give the ship back to Captain Janeway? Brain: Why? I want to.. Wade: TAKE OVER THE WORLD! YES! We know. But it's not yours. Brain: You want me to simply hand over the ship just because you asked? Wade: (Whiny voice) Pleeeeeeaaaaaaasssseeeee! Brain: Gah! Fine! Take it! Pinky! We must leave and prepare for later! Torres(W/Pinky's brain): What are we doing later, Brain? Brain: Preparing for a crash if no one flies this bloody thing! (Voyager slams into the roof of the firehouse) Janeway: Nice work, dimtwit! At least, before we had a pilot! Wade: D'OH! ========= COMMERCIAL BREAK Coming soon to Warner Brothers TV! BATMAN AND GOODFELLAS! Batman: Hi boys, I'm Batman! (The Goodfellas take out their guns and shoot Clooney stone cold dead.) Robin: It's the hockey team from hell! (They shoot Robin's irritating ass.) Mr. Freeze: All right everyone! Chill! Joe Pesci: Oh my god! Robocop with christmas lights! (Pesci get's medival on Freeze's ass with a blowtorch and some pliers) Bane: Bomb! DeNiro: You got that right! (They shoot him too!) Narrator: Join all the fun & mayhem! Right after Jurassic South Park! (A Raptor eats Kenny) Dr. Malcolm: You BASTARDS! ========= MEANWHILE...in the firehouse. The Demon is psychoanalyzing Slimer. Demon: So you say that your constant eating is a substitute for affection? Slimer: Yeah! Blblblblblbl. Demon: Interesting. Let's expand on that. (A leg of Voyager crashes through the roof.) Demon: Hmm. Interesting. (Meanwhile, on Voyager) Paris: We're here! Janeway: Well, THANK you, Captain Obvious! Wade: What about Maggie and Tuvok? Mulder: Maybe they're still making sweet, sweet love! (Everyone stares at Mulder.) Mulder: What? Egon: Actually, My calculations show that by now they've released a demon that will try to take over earth. By now, that demon is probably setting up shop....IN OUR BUILDING! ARGH! MY STUFF! Winston: That's it! We're killing this thing! Janeway: No! But what about Tuvok? Quinn: What about Maggie? Peter: What about Bob? Egon: Ah, they'll die. But you can't make a omelet without breaking some eggs! Janeway: Waitaminute! Unlike Maggie, Tuvok actually has a fan base! You kill him and you'll upset our fans! Rembrandt: All three of them? (Everyone laughs at Voyager's expense. Including Kim. Moron.) Kim: Y-y-y-you're mean! Jesse: You suck beyond suck. Doctor: CAN WE GET ON WITH THE STORY? Pinky(W/Torres' Brain): CAN I GET MY BODY BACK? Scully: CAN SOMEONE POINT WHICH WAY OUT OF THIS STATUE? Quinn: Hey, what weapons do we have to take out the Demon thing Ray: Me, Egon, Winston and Peter have our proton packs! Mulder & Scully: We gots guns. Janeway: Me and my crew got Phasers. Quinn: Well what do we do? All: Draw fire. Janeway: Here, take some phasers! Rembrandt: Where'd you get them? Janeway: Pulled them of some dead ensigns. Wade: Kim? Janeway: I wish. Jay: (Handling his phaser) Yeah, badass, YEAH! Brain: (Handling a phaser) I shall have to hurt something! Peter: Now let's go show this interdimensional bitch how we do things downtown! Jay: Let's kick some ass! Wade: Let's (BLEEP) this (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP)(BLEEP) up! And then (BLEEP) her (BLEEP) so hard that the (BLEEP)in' doctor can't remove it! Neelix: Captain, what does (BLEEP) mean? Janeway: It's the trekkies' name for you. You should be honored. Neelix: Then I'm glad to be a (BLEEP)! Paris: What do we do with these two? (Grabs Logan Saint Claire and Cancerman, who is drinking a lot of Yoohoo and eating pretzels.) Cancerman: Man, I'm so wasted! Janeway: Throw 'em in the brig! Seven: It is not working Captain. My borg stuff messed it up. Janeway: Then stick 'em in the can! (Cancerman drops a pellet to the ground. Smoke erupts from the ground. Cancerman laughs and as the smoke clears...he's still there.) Cancerman: Shit. Always works in the movies. (The entire group beams down into the firehouse. Including Janine and her desk. They see the Demon.) All: Holy CRAP! A demon! Demon: Hey, I prefer to be called a Hellfire-American! Would you all like to play Pictionary? All: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! KILL IT! Ray: Destroy it! Mulder: Catch it for Government study! Chakotay: FREEEEEDDDDDOOOOOMMM!!! Wade: DOWN WITH THE ESTABLISHMENT! EAT THE RICH! DOWN WITH THE MAN! (They all fire. Nothing affects it. Brain and Torres in Pinky's body are thrown back by the power of their phasers.) Egon: Cross the streams! I told you it would come up later! (They do that. Nothing affects it.) Janeway: How do we free Tuvok? Quinn: How do we free Maggie? Scully: How do we stop that person in the monster suit? Wade: Waitaminute! It's part Maggie, right? All: Yeah. Wade: And it's part Tuvok, right? All: Yeah. Wade: Then let's use their weakness against them! All: Heeyyyyyyyyyyyy. Demon: Oh poopy. Wade: I know Maggie's weakness! Demo-- I mean, Hellfire-American! Count to five! Demon: One...two...three...OOWWWWWWW! My head! (Paris shoves Kim in front of the Demon) Kim: Hi! Wanna be friends? Demon: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! (In a maelstrom of stupidity and irritation, The demon blows up and the portal in the park closes. leaving Maggie and Tuvok back to normal. Or Semi-Normal as far as Maggie is concerned.) Sliders: Maggie! You're okay! Maggie: I think so. Quinn: (Timer beeps)Good, now get your lazy-I-keep-getting-possessed-ass up! We have to leave now! Peter: Hey, You owe us a lot of money. Mulder: I'll Take care of this. (Hands Peter Cancerman's wallet) Peter: Thank you! Come again! Maggie: (Seeing the Voyager, X-files, Ghostbusters, Pinky, Brain, Jay and Silent Bob) Who are all of you? Rembrandt: Leave it for the sequel. Jesse & the Readers: Oh god no! DaVinci: I'm better off on Sliders! Screw all you jive turkeys! (DaVinci jumps through) Logan Saint Clare: HA! Free to get...neglected by more writers. Wait a minute, maybe this isn't such a good idea...(Logan is pushed through) (The Sliders jump through.) Janeway: What the hell? Jay: (To Silent Bob) C'Mon, let's go smoke a bowl. Later! All: Later! Slient Bob: (Gives the Vulcan handsign) Live long and prosper! (Jay and Silent Bob leave) Mulder: (To Ghostbusters) Can I join you guys? I live for the unknown! Peter: Mmmm...no! Mulder: Why? Winston: We want to solve our cases. Mulder: Good point...HEY! Scully: C'mon twit! Leave these cults to their own business! All: WE'RE NOT A CULT! (Scully drags Mulder away.) Cancerman: Free! Free to pursue my evil plans! (Scully comes back, punches Cancerman out.) Scully: Sorry. I'll take him. C'MON YOU UGLY LITTLE MONKEY! (Scully drags Cancerman and Mulder away) Pinky(W/Torres' brain): CAN! SOMEONE! PLEASE! PUT! ME! BACK! IN! MY! BODY! Janeway: Oh for Christ's sakes! Doctor! Take care of this! (Doctor puts Torres and Pinky on the Ghostbuster's kitchen table. He slaps Torres on the back and Pinky's brain falls out of her ear. He pulls Torres' brain out of Pinky's body with a Dustbuster. He sets the bodies in some glass balls which roll out the window.) Doctor: Oops. (Yells out the window) ANY BALLS DOWN THERE? Jay: Biggest pair you've ever seen! Noonch! (Slimer fetches the balls and hands them to the Doctor) Doctor: (Holding the slime covered brains) Just like normal. (The Doctor slam dunks their brains back in their original bodies.) Doctor: Torres? Torres: Doctor? Brain: Pinky? Pinky: Narf. Torres: Hold on, I've been wanting to do this all through the parody! (Torres grabs Pinky and the Brain and punts them back to Acme Labs.) Brain: Owwwwwww. Fetch the band-aids Pinky. We must prepare for tomorrow night! Pinky: What are we doing tomorrow night? Brain: Building a interdimensional timer with the plans I stole from Quinn! Tomorrow... WE CONQUER THE WORLDS! YES! (Back at the fire house) Janeway: Alright, now we're gone! Let's get back to the future gang! Paris: Jumping Jigowatts! Tuvok: Captain, may I say how irritating this whole parody was? Janeway: No. Tuvok: Then may I slap Chakotay for no apparent reason? Janeway: Yes. (Tuvok slaps Chakotay as they beam up. The ship takes off and leaves a gaping hole in the roof.) Winston: That was the weirdest thing I've ever seen! Peter: You saw Batman and Robin also? Winston: Argh. (Someone runs into the firehouse) Person: Help! A ghost named Casper is haunting me! Casper: I just want to be friends! Ghostbusters: Heh. Who ya going to call? (The Ghostbusters blast Casper into atoms.) (On Voyager,) Janeway: Okay, now how do we get back to the future? Q: I'll take care of this! It's always up to me to clean up your shit mon capitane! (Q blinks and the Voyager is back in it's time.) Janeway: Ah, everything's back to normal. (Voyager crashes into a bone-shaped ship) Janeway: On screen! Mike Nelson: Um, sorry! My fault! Crow & Tom Servo: Mike hit a starship! Mike hit a starship! (In Washington,) Mulder: Ah, another case solved! Scully: You dumb bastard! We didn't solve a bloody thing! Skinner: Hey! You two are going to Perfection to solve something involving giant man eating worms! Mulder: Wow. That's so weird in a six degrees of Kevin Bacon kind of way! Scully: Oh god. (On another Earth,) Quinn: Ah, a nice relaxing Earth! Where we can just kick back! Wade: Yep. Rembrandt: You betcha! Maggie: Mm-hmm! (A phone rings, Quinn answers it.) Quinn: Hello? Voice: What's your favorite scary movie? Quinn: Mortal Kombat 2. Rembrandt: Kull the conqueror. Wade: Anaconda. Maggie: (pauses) HEY! Voice: Do you want to die tonight? Quinn: NOT AGAIN! NOT AGAIN! (The Sliders scream) THE END!!! FINALLY!!! NOW DO I GET PAID? Jesse: Who said we pay? (Narrator beats the shit out of Jesse)