When Star Trek Met Time Warp
A parody by Jennifer "Queen of Random" Stoy

[Enter Rod Serling, in a whereless background]

Rod: Picture this- four Star Trek casts. One space station.
	One very intriguing time warp. Picture the budget-
	and the ratings- 

[Rod disappears, to be replaced by the bridge of the Original
Enterprise. And its crew.]

Kirk:	After destroying several evil Klingon cruisers,
	discovering a dozen new worlds, and bedding two
	dozen women, I'd say I've done my quota for today,
	hey Spock?

Spock: Well, now that you have asked my opinion, Jim- 

[Before he can get any further, the Time Warp hits the
Enterprise. All sorts of useless bells and whistles go off.]

Kirk: Scotty!

Scotty: Look, I canna change the laws of physics- but that
	can! I'm doin' all I can! I'm doin' the can-can! I think
	I can-

Chekov: Keptin, the wessel is in danger- not just from
Scotty's bad puns!

Sulu: You're wrong! This ship won't blow up-

[This is left in severe doubt as the ship apparently
disintegrates and we go to a commercial. When we return,
welcome to DS9, Ops. Kira, O'Brian, several random
ensigns are apparently doing something. Kira is still
pregnant.]

Kira: Being pregnant sucks.

O'Brian: Don't say sucks! You might give the baby a
	complex.

Kira: (irritated) The baby's going to have a much bigger
	problem than that.

O'Brian: Oh, God, what now!?

Kira: The fact that his father was strangled! 

[With a growl, she begins to choke the life out of him. Dax
comes in, waving her hands.]

Dax: Wait! Stop! Wait! 

[Kira reluctantly lets O'Brian go, and stands at ready to
begin again. O'Brian moves out of range of Kira's hands.]

O'Brian: (coughing) Thanks, Dax.
Dax: 	Oh, no biggie. Big news, though!
Kira: 	What? This better be good...
Dax: 	I found a big fat temporal anomaly! (smiles brightly)
Kira: 	(unimpressed) You prevented O'Brian's murder to
	tell us something  worthless like that!
Dax: 	But guess who's in the anomaly!
O'Brian: Hmmm- old Trek casts?
Dax: 	And even Voyager and the occasional recurring
	character!
O'Brian: (full significance of that statement hitting him) Wait
	a second- wait- is it coming?
Dax: 	Who? Who?
O'Brian: (in dread) Wesley!

[Worf, who has been nowhere nearby, comes running,
looking terrified.]

Worf: Where? Where? Now?
Kira: Where what?
Worf: The boy. Wesley! He's coming- I must prepare with
	care to hide-
O'Brian: Worf- think. I have an idea. Sisko doesn't want Dr.
	Crusher-
Worf: (clueless) Yes-
O'Brian: Captain Sisko uses the phrase "Fire the Phasers"
	and not just on  April Fool's Day.
Worf: Yes-
O'Brian: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Worf: My bat'leth could beat Xena's round killing thing?

[Dax slaps him upside his foolish head a few times.]

O'Brian: No! When Wesley comes aboard, we can take him
	to a deserted corner,  beat him to death, and no one
	will care!
Worf: (catching the clue) YES! This will be a great day! I
	get to kill Wesley! 

[He repeats "I Get To Kill Wesley" singsong  3 or 4 times
and Dax pops him again.]

Dax: OK, Worf. Before that, though, why don't you and I
	(sly) we can go to the holosuites. I'll be Xena, you be
	yourself. You can see how the bat'leth defeats Xena's
	round killing thing. And afterwards- you can show
	me what a warrior does with a defeated warrior
	princess.
 
[Worf, not so dense this time, takes the hint and follows Dax
to Quark's holosuites. O'Brian shudders. Commercial, and
with return, cut to TNG bridge. Wesley and LaForge are
standing at a station, arguing loudly.]

Wesley: It was a time warp!
LaForge: Temporal Anomaly!
Wesley: Time Warp!
LaForge: (angry) Look, you little SOB-
Wesley: Mommy!
Crusher: (from ready room) Mommy's a little- um- busy,
	honey!
Riker: (who is in "The Chair" smirking, oblivious to the
	burrito grease on his uniform-) Mommy's getting a
	little busy, honey-
Wesley: But Geordi called me an SOB! What's an SOB?
Crusher: (exiting Ready Room a little mussed) He said
	what?
Data: 	I would not interrupt this fascinating exchange, but
	has anyone noticed that we are now in sight of Deep
	Space Nine, Worf is not around, and the year is
	2374?
Riker: 2374? Cool-

[Commercial. Cut to the Voyager bridge where Harry and
Janeway are having a little chat.]

Janeway: (severe) Now, Harry, what have I told you about
	playing games with the computers?
Kim:	I was just having a little fun- (sniffles)- you took
	away my puppy-
Chakotay: It went all over the carpets- I mean, if you can't
	take care of it-
Kim: But you let Neelix make it into a special lunch!
Janeway: (eyebrow raised) Chakotay- later. Harry, here's a
	dollar, go play  Pac-Man for awhile and DO NOT
	screw with the computers.
Kim: Yes, ma'am! All right! Pac Man! (leaves)
Paris: How he got a girlfriend like Libby is beyond me.
Tuvok:  (thoroughly annoyed at all of this) You know, just a
	thought- this is a Starfleet vessel, not a family of
	traveling clowns- (Before he can make his point, the
	time warp rocks the ship) Time Warp!
Janeway: Okay, people, you know the drill- 

[Everyone closes their eyes, clicks their heels, and chants
"There's No Place Like Home" fervently. Tuvok most of
all.]

Kim: (enters) Guess what, I got high score- hey, cool! Deep
	Space Nine!
Chakotay: (opening eyes) Yes! I told you this "Wizard of
	Oz" thing would work...

[Switch to the Original Enterprise bridge. Several red shirted
officers are dead, but everyone's working around them.]

Uhura: Oh, this ship won't blow up- sure. Jim, can't we
	trade this piece of crap in for a nice flying RV- like
	the one they had in Spaceballs?
Spock: That is an anachronism. In this time, Spaceballs does
	not yet exist.
Kirk: Scotty, why haven't you patched the ship up yet?
Scotty: Cap'n I canna do anything until my Scottish takeout
	comes. Mmm- haggis to go.
Rand: You're joking, right? Haggis?
Kirk: (noticing DS9) What is that ugly-ass thing on monitor,
	Mr. Sulu?
Sulu: I don't know sir- it's hailing us-
Kirk: Ready the phasers-
Uhura: Hailing frequencies open-

[Sisko's rather bewildered face appears onscreen. You see,
he wasn't expecting a big crowd.]

Sisko: James T. Kirk?
Kirk: Gabriel Bell?

[Commercial Break. Switch to the Enterprise-D's
Conference Room. All are assembled- except Worf and
Wesley.]

Picard: What I want to know is- how did we get here?
	Where's Worf? And where's the tea, dammit!

LaForge: Well, sir, we've apparently been entangled in a
	temporal anomaly  that brought us here by an
	unknown method. Somehow, Worf lives  here now-
	don't ask me. And as for the tea- Wesley's getting it, 
	sir.
Troi: 	Worf, oh- wait a second! That bastard left me! Or
	will, I guess. I'll have to talk to him about that!
Riker: (leering) They have some babes on DS9, man oh
	man.
Troi: 	(rolling eyes) I sense- perversion. And a desire for-
	shrimp? You're sicker than I thought, Wil- 

[Before that can get anywhere, Wesley walks in, smug.]

Wesley: Here's the tea sir! Hey, Mom- they've got PacMan
	here! I scanned the station with my brand new
	scanner deal and found out.
Crusher: That's nice, dear.
Data: Captain, I have done reading on the anomaly. It is
	unstable. It's also- excuse me- it is also very powerful
	and cool and stuff.
Picard: Oh, dammit! (Everyone looks his way) I spilled my
	tea.

[Switch to the DS9 infirmary. A wounded Dax and a very
unhappy Bashir are talking to the howls of a even more
wounded Worf.]

Bashir: Look, Jadzia, didn't you realize this, um-
Dax: Round killing thing-
Bashir: Whatever- it's for killing not for- well, what you two
	did! I'm a doctor, not a sex therapist, and- well, stop
	coming here! I mean, I lose you to Worf, and Leeta
	to Rom, and you keep showing up disheveled and
	wounded and-
Worf: (from other room): Get it out, it hurts!
Bashir: (rolling eyes) No doubt-a round killing thing would
	be sharp, right? 

[Odo enters, hiccuping and crazy.]

Odo: Doctor, the Tribbles are chasing me again! Make them
	stop- make them stop!
Bashir: (rubbing temples) Calm down, man! Here's your
	medicine- and here's mine. 

[Picks up a bottle of whiskey and takes a long drink. Enter
Kira, pissed.]

Kira: I'm going to kill O'Brian with my bare hands. Stop
	drinking, it's a  nasty habit.
Bashir: Excuse me (yanks the RKT out of Worf, who yelps
	in agony) I don't mean to be rude, but get out all of
	you- NOW! 

[As everyone backs out, scene switches to Voyager.]

Janeway: Hail DS9! Hail DS9!
Sisko: (coming on screen) Hey, hi- Voyager! How's it
	going?
Janeway: We're so glad to see you!
Sisko: I'm flattered.
Tuvok: Mr. Sisko- just get us off this ship.
Sisko: Sure, I'll be glad to. O'Brian, beam the Voyager crew
	into Quark's.
Kim: Do you guys have Pac Man?
Sisko: How would I know? Ask Quark. 

[Commercial break. When we return, all the crews are
hanging around Quark's and the Promenade.]

Quark: (to Neelix) I understand you pretended you were the
	Grand Proxy-
Neelix: Yes, indeedy!
Paris: (drunken) Did they tell you he was nearly burnt for it?
	Hey, Quarky old pal do you got any- um- erotic
	programs for them holosuites?
Quark: Are you kidding? Here you go! 

[Paris leaves, delirious with drink and lust.]

Wesley: (to Kim) I'm the PacMan champion of the
	Quadrant!
Kim: I'll take you any time- pansy!
Janeway: (not in earshot) Look, the boys are playing!
Crusher: That's so cute!

[Cut to LaForge and Riker, hanging on the bar indolently.]

Riker: Yup, yup yup I bet I can get all the chicks here.
LaForge: Can I have at least one? Huh, please? I made that
	holodeck  program for you and all-
Riker: Sure, sure- just watch me- hey, wait! That's Jim Kirk!

[Cut to an eerily similar situation with Kirk and Bones.]

Kirk: Quite a variety of women here.
Bones: Yeah, sure Jim.
Kirk: I think I'll go chat with a few.
Bones: Go ahead, Jim.
Kirk: Hey, what the- that's Wil Riker!

[Cut to a corner with the Holodoc, Data, Tuvok, Spock, and
Odo. No one is, or desires to speak with them.]

Odo: Humans.
Tuvok: They are illogical.
Holodoc: They're impolite.
Spock: They can be most inappropriate.
Data: 	I cannot understand their ways- for example why
	would James T. Kirk and William T. Riker-
Tuvok: Men cut from the same cloth-
Spock: Both illogical playboys-
Odo: With superb military luck-
Holodoc: Gentlemen! They're kicking the stuffing out of
	each other!
Spock: Fascinating.
Data: Intriguing.
Tuvok: If you're not interested, Doctor, you can leave.
Odo: Ouch, that looked like it hurt.
Holodoc: Why are they fighting?
Data: Over whom will get the "chicks" as each would say.
Holodoc: Oh. I can answer that. That would be the young
	gentleman over there.

[Cut to over there, where Bashir is surrounded by Uhura,
Rand, Chapel, Troi, Crusher, Janeway, Torres, and Kes.
Kim and Wesley hover in the background.]

Wesley: Mom! I need more quarters! Mom! 

[Torres kicks him in the stomach.]

Bashir: (glum) Well, for quite a while, I was in love with
Dax, but that went nowhere. She's with Worf now- and they
	like hurting each other.
Troi: I feel your pain.
Kes: So do I.
Bashir: Then my girlfriend Leeta left me for Quark's brother
	Rom. So, now, I'm degraded to a bottle of Jack
	Daniels for companionship.
Uhura: That's awful.
Kim: Captain- Chakotay said he's gonna let Neelix offer me
	to the Talaxian god of cooking- Oogabooga!
Janeway: Harry, Julian is whining right now. Sit in the
	corner.
Kim: But captain!
Janeway: March, young man!
Crusher: So, you're available.
Bashir: Oh, yes.

[Cut to Sisko, Picard, and Chakotay, doing nothing in
particular.]

Sisko: Why is it all the women are swarming Julian?
Picard: Don't ask me, I have no idea.
Chakotay: He doesn't seem very macho or anything-

[O'Brian, in this interval, has taken Wesley to one side and is 
beating him into a bloody pulp as Scotty joins the men.]

Scotty: Who's the little pansy? Is he gay?
Sisko: No. Just constantly rejected.
Picard: How so?
Sisko: His last girlfriend left him for a Ferengi, for one.
Chakotay: Ouch. That would make any man sensitive.
Sisko: No, he's a sensitive man. (Chekov joins them)
Chekov: Is he a young, strapping imbecile?
Sisko: No, he's disgustingly bright and a medical genius.
(Bones joins them)
Bones: Does he have a girlfriend?
Sisko: No, he's available. (Sulu joins them)
Picard: So to recap-
Chakotay: He's a considerate-
Scotty: Straight-
Chekov: Intelligent-
Bones: And available young man.
Picard: I can't figure out his secret.

[Kirk and Riker, out of breath, notice the women swarm.]

Riker: Hey, that snotty British bastard stole our women!
Kirk: Hey! Shrimp! A dollar a pound! (Both run)
Forrest Gump: Mama always said life is like a box of
	chocolates- you can make a lot of money selling to
	fat guys.
Riker: Oooh- fried.
Kirk: Oooh- fried.

[The outcasts, deprived of the duel, turn their attention to
O'Brian, who is manfully drinking beer while Wesley and
Kim, tied to a pole, howl.]

Wesley: Mom! Mom! MOMMY!
Kim: I have to go to the bathroom, Mr. O'Brian! Mr.
	O'Brian!
O'Brian: Shut up or I'll kick your teeth in!
Kim: But I have to go to the bathroom!
O'Brian: I said, shut it!

[The other male group, bored, turns to the scene.]

Chakotay: All right! Harry, you can't go to the bathroom
	EVER again!
Kim: Captain Janeway!!!
Chakotay: Oogabooga! (Harry shuts up)
Scotty: Who's Oogabooga?
Chakotay: Nobody. I told him it was the Talaxian god of
	cooking and I was going to let Neelix sacrifice him to
	it.
Picard: Interesting-
Sisko: Hmm, I think we've all had too much liquor.
Sulu: Yes, indeed!
Chekov: So vhat do ve do?
Bones: Brawl!
Picard: No- drinking songs!
Chakotay: How about- Men Men Men?!
All Men: YEAH! 

[Begin a rousing rendition of Men Men Men]

Kim: Mr. O'Brian- I wanna sing Men Men Men!
O'Brian: Don't piss off a drunken Irishman!
Wesley: Men men men men-

[The outcasts watch the scene intently]

Odo: Why can't we sing with them?
Tuvok: Because we're not human.
Data: Besides, they are stupid.

[Women and Bashir are oblivious- for different reasons]

Bashir: Oh, God, I'm so depressed. (Enter Jadzia, bruised
	and grinning) Oh, now what?

Dax: It was that damn round killing thing-
Troi: Wait- you bitch! You stole Worf!
Rand: What's the "round killing thing?"
Torres: Sounds- sexy.
Bashir: Yeah, sure. Anyone want to help me watch
	unrequited love die, as I yank a deadly weapon out
	of a Klingon?
Janeway: Sure!
Crusher: Not a problem!
Rand: With pleasure.
Uhura: Fine with me.
Torres: Can't wait to see the round killing thing!
Kes: I can help yank it out!
Chapel: So can I.
Troi: Wait- you Trill slut! You stole my man. (rushes Dax)
Bashir: Follow me- I guess.

[Men notice the brutal girl fight. Dax is expertly kicking
Troi's butt.]

Kim: Girl fight!
Chakotay: All right!
Tuvok: Most interesting.
Kirk: (looking up from trough o' shrimp) Shrimp.
Riker: (ditto) Oh, baby.
Sisko: (to Dax and Troi) Hey, knock it off! (Fight stops)
	What's wrong?
Troi: She stole my boyfriend.
Picard: Counselor, this is not Melrose Place. Behave
	accordingly.

[Scream. Switch to holosuite w/Women/Bashir/Worf]

Crusher: That was- interesting.
Rand: Ouch.
Torres: Mmm, what do you call this- not just a round killing
	thing-
Worf: It is a shakrum.
Bashir: Stop playing with it!
Kes: Why does he- well, what were they doing?
Torres: Klingon rituals.
Janeway: How many times have you been called to- um-
Bashir: Too many, Captain. Far too many.
Janeway: Kathryn, please.
Crusher: I never had this problem with Worf.
Bashir: Good for you, ma'am.
Crusher: You're such a nice young man- polite, intelligent-
	not to mention good looking.
Torres: Yes.

[Bashir, sensing the mob intent, begins to back away]

Janeway: What's wrong?
Bashir: Ummmm-

[Enter Kira- well, Nana Visitor. She's not pregnant, and is
dressed normally]

Crusher: Major Kira?
Bashir: (suddenly relieved) Hi, Nana, love. Where's the
	baby?
Kira: Oh, sleeping. I have someone watching him for a
	minute.
Kes: Wha? Who's Nana? What baby?
Bashir: Oh, this is my lover, Nana Visitor, and it's our baby.
	In real life.
Rand: Aww, man! Reality break!
Kira: 	Anyway, hon, you need to get back downstairs. The
	men are about to sacrifice Harry, Wesley, and Pac
	Man to the Talaxian Cooking God. Bye, now. (Exit)
Uhura: Oh, God- not Pac Man!
Janeway: Harry!
Crusher: Wesley! 

[The mass of them run downstairs to the bar where the Men
Men Men thing has gone way too far]

Chakotay: Harry Kim, you utter little pest, I call upon the
	God Oogabooga!
Kim: Let me go!
Paris: Yeah, right.
O'Brian: Wesley Crusher, you total little bastard! I intend to
	kill you because  I'm feeling MANLY!
All: MEN!
Kirk: Pass the fried chicken, Wil.
Riker: All right, Jim.
Chakotay: Any last words?
Kim: Captain Janeway's going to get you!
O'Brian: I'll see you in Hell, Wesley.

[The women swoop down]

Janeway: Chakotay!!
O'Brian: Dammit! I should have killed you when I had the
	chance!
Kim: Captain! Mr. O'Brian tied me to a pole, and he
	wouldn't let me go to  the bathroom, and Chakotay
	says I can't go anymore, and Captain- I REALLY
	HAVE TO GO!
Janeway: Go ahead, Harry. (Harry runs away)
Crusher: Jean Luc! Chief O'Brian!
O'Brian: Little bastard needed it.
Wesley: Owww- he broke PacMan!
Quark: Hey! That's an expensive game!
Neelix: (emerging with a weird thing) Gentlemen, I present
	Oogabooga!
Sisko: Not now, Neelix.
Riker: Mmm-
Kirk: Hey, we're out of shrimp!
Crusher: Oh, my poor baby. Mr. O'Brian, how could you do
	this?
O'Brian: Because I wanted to.
Picard: Mr. O'Brian- you're confined to the brig for two
	days.
Sisko: 	Hey, Frenchie, he's my officer- O'Brian, apologize to
	Wesley- or you spend a week in the brig listening to
	off-key Klingon opera.
Picard: Ooh, psychological torture- good call.

[O'Brian looks at Wesley, then at Sisko, then at Wesley, then
at Sisko]

O'Brian: Wait a second! How come I'm your patsy? It was
	Chakotay's idea  to sacrifice them to Oogabooga!
	What is Oogabooga anyway?
Neelix: The Talaxian God of Cooking- it was Chakotay's
	concept.
Janeway: Damn, Chakotay, you were an instigator, weren't
	you?
Torres: Really- poor Harry. Where is he?
Paris: He had to go.
Wesley: Hey, I'm still tied up! And Mr. O'Brian hasn't
	apologized!
Data: That is not the issue. This is about who started this
	mess.
Wesley: Chief O'Brian kicked me in the head!
Odo: Just be quiet- justice is being served.
Neelix: Can I have a piece?
Sisko: O'Brian-
O'Brian: (sullenly) I'm sorry, Wesley.
Worf: (limping into view) You apologized?
O'Brian: The baby might be damaged with his father in jail.
Worf: 	You have no honor. You should have dispatched the
	boy with a quick blow and faced the consequences.
Bashir: You mean like, keep using the round killing thing-
Dax: Shakrum-
Bashir: And I will leave it in you, Worf?
Worf: Yes, something like that. (Enter Geordi)
LaForge: Heyla, Captains! Seeing as my last line was on
	page five or something- I went and screwed with the
	time warp.
Holodoc: And guess what?
Tuvok: It's Q.
Spock: Most Star Trekkian.
Q: Hidillyho! Friendly reset button here.
Picard: Q!
Sisko: Go away.
Janeway; Keep your eyes off of me.
Kirk: Grey Poupon?
Riker: But of course.
Q: But the time warp has gone too far!
Scotty: Capn!
Kirk: Beat it.
Q: I need to make this philosophy- um- BBC- what?
Bones: Who is this guy?
Q: I'm the almighty Q.
Wesley: Can you fix Pac Man?
Q: Pac Man?
Data: It is a primitive computer, used for entertainment.
Wesley: Please fix it. Please- please-
Q: Oh, God! Not even my omniscience and omnipotence
	can withstand Wesley!
Data: Then, by definition, you are neither.
Janeway: Theoretically, then-
Dax: We could beat him.
Q: Sure, right. 

[Rom, by accident, throws a bucket of water on him. Q
begins to melt.]

Uhura: How formulaic.
Q: Ahh! I'm melting! Melting- oh what a world, what a
	world!
Picard: Yes!
Quark: Rom, you idiot- you got water on Pac Man!
Rom: Sorry, brother.
Sisko: This has gone a bit too far.
Bashir: I could have told you that three or four pages ago.
Wesley: Pac Man?
Crusher: Sorry, Wes.
LaForge: Aw, man. The temporal anomaly disappeared.
Picard: Commander Riker!
Kirk: Yes- oh damn!
Riker: I'm Riker, you're Kirk.
Kirk: My apologies, Riker.
O'Brian: So now what?
Worf: We must turn to the Wheel of Plots.
Spock: What's that?
Worf: Whenever our lives hit a wall, we spin the Wheel of
	Plots- it will show us the way.
Spock: Fascinating.

[Wheel out Wheel Of Plots, which contains: 1- Warp Core
Mania! 2- Klingon Attack 3- It Was All Just a Dream 4-
Supernatural Entity of the Week 5- Riker Solves The
Problem 6- Dominion Attack]

Data: Most intriguing.
Dax: I get to spin it!

[She spins, and it goes to 5]

Troi: Good spin, dumbass.
Riker: Trust me, people, I can solve this problem- right after
	I finish dinner!

[As widespread panic ensues, screen fades to
 black w/ a "To Be Continued"]

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