TO CATCH A SIMPSON: The Simpsons/Sliders Crossover
Written by John Deering (elainedering@mindspring.com)
MALLORY: How much time do we have on this world, Remmy?
REMMY: (looking at timer) I don’t know, Q-Ball. The timer’s kind of messed
up.
Diana and Maggie fall out of the wormhole.
DIANA: Let me see that. Uhhhh . . . it says "L385.". Something in the
wormhole must have distorted it.
MAGGIE: (taking off a piece) Maybe it needs more batteries.
REMMY: No, Maggie, don’t –
Some gems inside the timer fall onto the floor and split in half.
MAGGIE: There’s the problem. Someone put gems in it. Might be Logan St.
Claire.
MALLORY: No! Those gems were one-of-a-kind!
REMMY: Hey look, they’re selling those exact kinds of gems right here, in
the Chandler Hotel! Let’s go find out how much they cost. Everybody pretend
to be couples.
MALLORY: (to Maggie) Well, sweetcakes, do you want those diamonds,
sweetcakes? What do you think they cost, sweetcakes?
STORE CLERK: They’re $50 a pair.
MALLORY: Forget it, sweetcakes. Let’s go, sweetcakes.
DIANA: Wait a second!
She takes a piece of tape from the counter and uses it to tape the two
broken gems together. She then takes the gems to the counter.
DIANA: We would like to sell these. How much will you take these for?
STORE CLERK: $49.
DIANA: Deal.
She takes the money and everyone leaves. After they leave, Ned and Maude
Flanders enter.
MALLORY: That act sure went good. Right, ‘sweetcakes’? (giggles)
DIANA: We have to buy those diamonds from the hotel – but they’re $50. We
only have 49 right now.
REMMY: I could get a job on weekends.
DIANA: No, no, no.
MAGGIE: Let’s go steal the diamonds. We can steal three, so we can put two
in the timer and keep one to ourselves!
MALLORY: Yeah!
DIANA: Let’s do it!
Everyone shakes hands. Nearby, in a narrow alley-way, Chief Wiggum is
casually strolling by, eating donuts.
WIGGUM: Planning to steal diamonds, eh? Well Chief Wiggum’s got his eye on
you crooks! One false move and . . . that’ll be your last false move.
Forever.
Later that night . . .
The Sliders stand on a ledge just outside a window, in black costumes, about
to steal the diamonds. They are about to enter through the window, while
Chief Wiggum and Officer Lou are standing inside – in plain sight – just
waiting for the culprits to appear.
LOU: Maybe they ain’t coming, Chief.
WIGGUM: Don’t call me Chief! They’ll come. I’ll lure them in with my bait.
A Playboy magazine sits on the windowsill, but then falls to the ground.
DIANA: Is the coast clear?
REMMY: I think so. It’s check-in time, guys.
Diana jumps in.
WIGGUM: You’re under arrest for breaking and entering. Read her her rights,
Lou.
The camera zooms into Lou’s face. He’s in love with Diana.
WIGGUM: (As the zooming-in continues) Uh – Lou? Lou? Read her her rights,
Lou. Come on, Lou. Read her her rights. Lou? Lou!
LOU: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can or will
be held against you, blah blah, yadda yadda.
DIANA: Does it have to be that way?
LOU: No, I guess not. Look, you want to go out with me or not?
Maggie enters the room via the door. She hits Wiggum in the back of the
head.
WIGGUM: Hey – heey! You big bully. I’m telling!
The camera zooms into his face. He’s in love with Maggie. Lou and Wiggum
exit with Diana and Maggie. Mallory and Rembrandt enter from the window.
REMMY: Where are they?
MALLORY: We slide in two days. They’ve got to be here somewhere.
REMMY: (as dramatic music starts playing) Well – maybe not. Now Maggie, I’ve
seen her, she was leaving the room with some guy named Wiggum. Maybe she’s
found happiness in this world, Q-Ball, and maybe it would be wrong for us to
ask her to leave it. She deserves some happiness, after all her world came
to an end. And on top of that, we’ve dragged her into this whole sliding
mess. Maybe it was wrong for us to ask her to start sliding. It wasn’t her
choice. We dragged her into it. Maybe I should have just left her there, on
that world for her to die, so she wouldn’t have to start sliding – after
all, because of us, she’s on this world, sad, depressed, all alone. All
alone, Q-Ball, ALL ALONE!!!
MALLORY: I thought you just said she’s happy on this world.
REMMY: Oh yeah. Let’s go.
Cut to Diana and Lou, having dinner inside the Chandler Hotel.
LOU: So, uh, Diana. What’s up?
DIANA: Well, you know, nothing much – Kromaggs, dinosaurs –
LOU: Sweet . . .
DIANA: Zombies, hybrids, evil doubles, stealing diamonds –
LOU: What?
DIANA: Nothing!
LOU: Oh, uh, check please.
DIANA: So what’s it like, being a cop?
LOU: Well, on this strange, parallel world, hmm . . . I seem to recall these
Kromagg guys at one point. Man, it was sweet. They’re, like, these big ape
guys who slide around the place, like, BGGH! GHGH! HISS! Ooh ooh ooh! Eeh!
DIANA: Ah yes, so I recall.
LOU: Yeah, man you shoulda seen it. When I decked ’em, I mean. I was like,
BOOYA! (punches wine glass)
DIANA: Umm . . .
LOU: Ooh . . . sorry about that.
Cut to Maggie and Wiggum.
WIGGUM: Hey waiter, get me one of those shrimps from the buffet. And get me
a cup, and fill it with Root Beer, no ice please. So, uh, Maggie – tell me
about yourself.
MAGGIE: Well, I’m a former military member.
WIGGUM: Uh-huh.
MAGGIE: My home-world’s dead.
WIGGUM: Yeah, uh-huh.
MAGGIE: I’ve fought the Kromaggs on occasion.
WIGGUM: (leaning back in chair) Yeaaaah, uh, be a doll, go get me another
Root Beer, will you?
MAGGIE: Sure.
WIGGUM: Thank you.
Zoom in on the door as Sarah Wiggum and Ralph enter.
WIGGUM: Oh no! Sarah! Ralphy!
SARAH: Oh, there you are, Clancy! I was worried when you didn’t show up!
RALPH: Daddy’s cheating!
Wiggum gasps.
RALPH: On his diet!
WIGGUM: Huh?! Oh, yeah, yeah – I guess I am. Oh no! Sarah! DUCK!
Sarah screams and runs into the next room, ducking. Maggie returns to the
table with Wiggum’s drink.
WIGGUM: Hey, Maggie, excuse me while I go to the bathroom.
Wiggum goes into another room and talks to Sarah.
WIGGUM: Heey, Sarah, how’s it going? And how’s my little boy doing? Huh?
Huh?
RALPH: (giggling) I choked on something.
MAGGIE: Wiggum, I – (gasp) Wiggum, are you –
WIGGUM: Uh, I’ll be with you in a second, Sarah. (to Maggie:) This isn’t how
it looks.
MAGGIE: I knew I shouldn’t have wasted my time with you! I’m going back to
my friends to slide!
WIGGUM: Oh – geez. Oh well.
MAGGIE: Come on Diana. Let’s go.
DIANA: Okay. Where’s Mallory and Rembrandt?
MAGGIE: Still upstairs.
Zoom in as another crook enters from the door, dressed in all black and a
ski mask.
CROOK: Ha ha – oh, no. The fuzz is here. See ya later, dudes!
The crook steals some gems and runs upstairs.
LOU: Hey, chief, he’s getting away.
Maggie and Diana chase the crook up the stairs and are followed by Homer,
who is still gorging himself with shrimp from the buffet..
HOMER: Stop him! (Munch, much) He’s . . . (munch) . . . getting away!
The crook opens the door at the top of the stairs and sees Mallory and
Rembrandt. Rembrandt punches the crook, who drops three diamonds onto the
stairs. Maggie grabs them, and Homer yanks the mask off.
It’s Marge!
HOMER: MARGE! How could you?
MARGE: Mmmmm . . . I’m sorry.
MAGGIE: That’s okay. At least now we have the diamonds to slide.
Rembrandt opens the wormhole and the sliders jump into it, Maggie last.
Marge and Homer shrug and jump in after them.
After the wormhole closes . . .
REMMY: Oh man, we’re broke again. That’s the downside of being a slider.
HOMER: Wh – what – where am I?
MAGGIE: (pulling out the third diamond) Heh heh heh heh heh . . . third
diamond, all for me.
HOMER: What? What’s going on here? I don’t get it! What’s a slider? Who’s a
slider? Am I a slider? Marge, am I a slider?
Executive Producer
Mike Scully
HOMER: Are you a slider?
Executive Producers
James L. Brooks
Matt Groening
Sam Simon
HOMER: Brooks, Groe – you’re all sliders, aren’t you?
Starring
Dan Castellaneta
HOMER: Is – is he a slider?
Julie Kavner
HOMER: What about her, is she –
Nancy Cartwright
HOMER: Cartwright, are you –
Yeardley Smith
HOMER: Year-whatever – does that –
Hank Azaria
HOMER: Hank the Slider.
and
Henry Shearer
HOMER: Sliiiiider!
Also Starring
Pamela Hayden
Tress Macneille
Maggie Roswell
Karl Wiedergott
HOMER: All of you, you’re all -
Special Guest Voices
Robert Floyd
HOMER: Oh, he’s a slider.
Kari Wuhrer
HOMER: She has to be.
Cleavant Derricks
HOMER: Oh yeah. Derricks . . .
Tembi Locke
HOMER: Oh look, it’s Tembi the slider . . .
GRACIE FILMS LOGO: Ssh!
HOMER: Aah, you’re just jealous.
20th Century Fox
HOMER: More like "20th Sliders Fox". Ha!