Sliders On Toon Earth
by Lynne Thompson

The vortex opened, spilling season one Sliders onto a patch of grass which looked and felt like green outdoor carpet. Remmy found himself staring at a little purple worm. It was staring back with huge popping eyes. It screamed and jumped into a teeny hole in the ground. "What the hell was that?!" He shrieked.

The other sliders hadn't seen the worm. "Sorry, five alarm chili's still burning its way through," mumbled Quinn. He let out another fart, this time a loud one.

As if in answer, Professor Arturo let out an equally loud belch and his face turned bright red. "That's the last time I allow anyone to talk me into Tex Mex cuisine," he said and collapsed from a stroke.

"OH MY GOD! Professor!" Wade screamed. Suddenly a cartoon taxicab swerved over to the curb and skidded to a stop.

"You folks need a lift?" It screeched. They stared at it. Wouldn't you? "Whatsamatter?" It hollered. "You never seen a taxicab before?"

"But..." Quinn stuttered, "You're a cartoon. You can't be real!"

"What the hell is this?" The cab shrieked. "Discrimination? I could sue the crap out of all of you for that! Now, do ya want a ride or not?"

"Uh..Is there a hospital near here?"

"Yeah, just a couple of blocks from here. Get in!" It commanded. "By the way, my name's Benny! Come on and climb in!" They started toward it, dragging Professor Arturo's limp body by the feet. "Not that one!" It screeched. "I got a weight limit! Company policy! Dump the beached whale or else!"

"But.." Quinn began to stutter.

"No deal!" It yelled, and executed a quick U-turn in the street. "Try the city bus! I got other fees to catch!" It swerved wildly up the street, nearly hitting a pedestrian as it went. "Watch it ya jerk" The cab screamed and disappeared round the distant corner on two wheels.

Still unbelieving, they watched it go. "What KIND of place is this!" Wade screamed. "NOW what do we do?!" Rembrandt demanded.

"OOOHhhhhh.." Professor Arturo moaned and began to sit up.

"Professor!" They helped him stand.

"What happened?" He asked.

"We couldn't write you out yet," Quinn said, "The story requires at least two more fat jokes. THEN we can fire you."

They walked up the street, looking for a hotel. "Do you think we can find the Chandler hotel here?" Rembrandt asked.

"No, that's season four," snapped Wade.

"No, the Dominion is season four! The Chandler is season one, you know-it-all bitch!" Remmy sprayed her with saliva as he spoke.

"SHUT UP!" Quinn hollered. He couldn't think with those deadbeats arguing.

They shut up. Wade sidled up to him and slid her hand up under his shirt. "I love an assertive take-charge guy," She crooned.

"That's Maggie's character," Quinn snapped, "She's the slut, not you. She's not even in the series yet, okay?" He wondered how the hell he got stuck with such dumb sliding companions.

They stumbled into a seedy-looking hotel. It seemed to be the only one around. Once inside, the hotel lobby suddenly became palatial and elegant-looking. A white blur in front of them manifested into a goofy-looking cartoon rabbit wearing a bow tie and a bellhop's cap. "Ppppllleeezzz! Can I take your bags?" It spluttered.

"We don't have any,"

The cartoon rabbit twirled up around Professor Arturo, hanging onto the pleats of his jacket. "You look like an important guy! Can I show you to the desk?" The rabbit sprayed Professor Arturo's face with toon saliva.

"Yes!" He threw the overenthusiastic bellhop to the carpet. "Yes, show us the front desk! And please stop spitting on me! Blasted idiot!" He muttered, straightening his jacket.

They followed the rabbit through the lobby. On the way it managed to annoy six other guests and knocked over a heavy weighted smoking stand before they reached the desk. "Blasted idiot," Professor Arturo muttered again.

They passed a sexy redheaded female toon lounging in the doorway of the cocktail bar. She winked at Rembrandt and he tripped over the edge of the rug.

They got a suite key but couldn't get rid of the rabbit.

"Pppllleeezzz!" It spluttered at Quinn this time. "Can I get you anything else? More towels? Blankets? Room service?"

"NOTHING! Thanks!" They all screamed.

Quinn slapped a dollar into the greedy outstretched gloved hand. "My name is Roger! If you need anything just call me! Pppllleeezzz!"

Grimacing,Wade wiped the spit from her cheek.The bellhop tripped over his own feet and failed to get the unlocked door open. Quinn stepped over to the door and opened it. The rabbit disappeared down the hallway in pursuit of another guest just reaching the stairs. there was a distant crash and a scream as Quinn swung the door shut. "Damn," He muttered.

"How much time till the next slide?"

Quinn consulted the timer. "Sixteen hours," He answered. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm beat. Going to take a nap." He disappeared into one of the bedrooms, leaving the others to ponder. Professor Arturo suggested they find a restaurant and order some chow.

"I ain't leaving this room!" Rembrandt declared, "That rabbit is out there, remember?!"

"Well, what do you suggest then, Mr. Brown?" Arturo asked. "Should we order room service?"

"I'm not very hungry," Wade said. "Why don't we just kick back and maybe get something on the way out before we slide?"

"Well, I don't know about you Miss Welles, but most of us cannot go that long without some sort of food intake. If you choose to starve yourself when then that is..."

"SHUT UP!" Quinn hollered from the bedroom.

"Fatso," Wade muttered under her breath as the professor sat down on the couch and bent the frame almost all the way to the floor.

"I'm going out," She said. Rembrandt stared at her.

"What about the bellhop?" He asked.

"If that rabbit comes near me I'll be bringing him back in a doggie bag!" Wade answered.

At the mention of the words 'doggie bag' Professor Arturo began salivating. The sofa frame shrieked and hit the floor.

Wade went downstairs and crossed to the entrance doors, looking apprehensively around as she went. There was no sign of the annoying bellhop. With a relieved sigh, she pushed through the revolving door and out on the street. She decided to look for a beauty supply store if there was one. Her roots showed and she needed more hair color.

A dark figure clad in a swirling cape, ominously filled the picture and then was gone.

There was a muffled shriek and so was Wade.

An insane cackle filled the room. "Let me go!" Wade screamed. She was bound all the way up to her neck in thick layers of rope. Her mussed hair stuck out like Chucky the doll's, except there were roots showing. She was in a cartoon apartment facing a wacked-out cartoon duck with devil horns and evil-looking fangs in his beak. "What do you want from me?!"

"I thaw you and your friendth arrive here," The duck thaid. "You have a time-traveling thingamajig and I want it! Thith little black duck hath had enough! I'm thick and tired of being the lother in every thtory! I'm gonna change thingth onthe and for all!" Wade shut her eyes to avoid the spray on her face.

"Itth..I mean, it's not a time traveling device," She exclaimed. "We are from another dimension and are trying to find our way home. That's all!"

"You exthpect me to believe that?!" The duck said evilly. The horns and fangs disappeared. "I left a clue for your friendth to find uth. When they come looking for you I can get the whatchamacallit and then look out! here comth Daffy, I mean, Duffy Duck!"

Another evil cackle filled the room. Wade sighed and wished that just for once she could stop getting herself kidnapped and also scratch in a private place.

Quinn woke up several hours later and stumbled sleepily into the living room of their suite. Rembrandt was staring at the boob tube and the professor was asleep and and snoring loudly with his head thrown back and his mouth open. "Where's Wade?" He yawned.

"I dunno," Remmy mumbled. Like he really cared anyway. "She went out several hours ago."

"Well, did she say where she was going?"

"Naw, just something about a doggie bag,"

The sofa screamed in agony and woke Professor Arturo with a start. "Wha..! What..?!" He yelled. His beautiful dream about a juicy side of beef with dill potatoes vanished.

"Okay," Quinn said grumpily. "We'd better go look for her."

Rembrandt looked up in alarm. "What about that damned rabbit?!"

They found a cartoon book of matches lying on the sidewalk outside the hotel. Quinn flipped the cover open and read aloud, "If you ever want to see your friend again, bring me the thingamabob...Daffy,"

"Daffy?" Remmy exclaimed, confused.

"Thingamabob?" Quinn exclaimed, even more confused.

"Where are they?" The professor wanted to know.

They consulted the matchbook again. "No address," Quinn said. "You mean he forgot to tell us where to bring the thingama..I mean, the timer, to?!"

The professor complained. "What a blasted idiot!"

"Now what?!" Remmy said.

"Let's ask around and see if anyone knows him and where he lives," Quinn suggested. After all, he was the brains of the outfit.

There was an attractive woman bent over a baby carriage halfway up the block. Each of the guys entertained ideas about boinking and then decided maybe they should stick to the business at hand. "Excuse me, madam," Professor Arturo began.

She straightened up to look at him and the sliders were shocked to see a toon baby with a big fat cigar inside the carriage. It batted its cute baby eyes at them and screamed "What the hell are you looking at, chumps?!" in a deep, gruff voice.

"Good heavens!" The professor exclaimed.

"Uh," Quinn mumbled.

"We.. we were looking for a person named Daffy." Remmy stuttered, "Do you know him?"

"Daffy? Daffy Duck? yeah, I know the loser." The baby hollered, "Whaddaya wanta know about him?"

"I..well, he kidnapped our friend and we need to get her back. Do you know where he lives?" Quinn asked. he showed the baby the matchbook.

"What an idiot!" The baby yelled. "You mean to tell me he pulls something like this and doesn't even tell you where to take the thingamabob?! God, what a moron."

"Can you tell us where he's at?" Remmy wanted to know.

"Yeah, over on the other side of the tracks on the edge of Toontown." The baby said and began to hack and cough on a lungful of smoke. "In the Looneytune Garden apartments, fourth floor."

"Thanks," Quinn mumbled.

After nearly getting squashed by a falling grand piano, a ten-ton weight and a runaway cartoon train, they finally made it to the Looneytune Garden apartments. It was a rundown slum with crying toon babies hanging out the windows and cartoon trash heaps. There was no sign of a garden anywhere. Sad.

They entered and climbed to the fourth floor. the stairs screamed under the professor's weight. "Oh, shut up," He muttered. They found Daffy's apartment and knocked on the door.

"Whoth there?" A ridiculous voith, I mean, voice, squeaked.

"Is this where Daffy Duck lives?" Quinn shouted through the door.

"Go away!" The voice hollered and then remembered who it was expecting. "Did you bring the thingamajig?!"

"Yes, now can we have our friend back?"

"QUINN!" Wade screamed. "LOOK OUT!"

The door swung open to reveal a lethal-looking cartoon cannon pointed right at them with a crazed-looking duck behind it laughing evilly. The horns reappeared. They all managed to hit the floor just as it blew a huge gaping hole through the opposite apartment walls and beyond. The cartoon sun gazed through the hole with a happy smile fixed on its chubby yellow face.

"Quinn!" Wade screamed again. The crazed duck prepared to shoot again. Quinn grabbed a conveniently placed cartoon rock and stuffed it firmly into the barrel of the cannon. The explosion blew backwards, leaving a mess of charred duck flesh and feathers everywhere.

"Quinn!" Wade screamed.

"SHUT UP!" Quinn screamed back, sick of her screeching.

They released Wade, and after brushing the bits of cartoon plaster off their clothes, headed back to the hotel to wait for the vortex to open.

"But Quinn," Wade whined, "I still haven't gotten my hair color yet."

"SHUT UP!" The men screamed.

They slipped back into their suite and passed the rest of their hours on toon earth with no further calamitous incidences. When it came time to go back to their rendezvous with the vortex, they turned in the room key and headed toward the revolving door. "Pppllleeezzz wait! Are you leaving! Without saying goodbye?" A goofy voice ranted somewhere behind them. They froze in horror.

"OH DEAR GOD!" Professor Arturo shouted. "RUN!" Rembrandt screamed.

They all tried to jam into the revolving exit at once. The professor, being the biggest, brushed the rest of them off like flies and lumbered through, taking the doors and part of the adjoining right wall as well.

"LOOK OUT! ANGRY ELEPHANT!" Rembrandt hollered. The passersby on the street fled screaming in terror and confusion. Thanks to Remmy's quick thinking, there were no witnesses around as the friends slid on to their next destination, and on, and on.

THE END(?)