Too Weird
CAST:
KATHRYN JANEWAY: KATE MULGREW
CHAKOTAY: ROBERT BELTRAN
TUVOK: TIM RUSS
NEELIX: ETHAN PHILLIPS
SEVEN: JERI RYAN
HARRY KIM: GARRET WANG
CAPTAIN BRAXTON: SOME FAT GUY WHOSE REAL NAME I FORGET
TOM PARIS: ROBERT DUNCAN MCNEILL
B'ELANNA TORRES: ROXANNE DAWSON
MEGHAN: PORTRAYED BY THE BRILLIANT AUTHOR OF THIS PARODY
LEANDRA: PLAYED BY ONE OF THE BRILLIANT AUTHOR'S FRIENDS
JENNY: ANOTHER FRIEND OF THE BRILLIANT AUTHOR
ANGELA: THE BRILLIANT AUTHOR'S OTHER FRIEND
KELLY: ANOTHER FRIEND OF THE AUTHOR'S
SHIVVANI: A FRIEND WHO'S NAME I HOPE I SPELLED RIGHT.
VARIOUS STUDENTS: PLAYED BY VARIOUS STUDENTS
VARIOUS OFFICE STAFF: PLAYED BY VARIOUS OFFICE STAFF
It was a calm day aboard the U.S.S. Voyager NCC-74656. Janeway and Kim
were the only people on the bridge, seeing as it was 0200 hours. Kim was
extremely tired. You must understand this before I continue. Got it?
Good. The OPS console began to beep.
KIM: YOU [BEEP] CONSOLE! SHUT UP AND STOP BEEPING OR ELSE I'LL BASH MY
HEAD INTO YOUR DISPLAY SCREEN YOU STUPID, STUPID
JANEWAY: Oh for Goodness sake Kim! Just push the buttons and it'll stop
beeping. You're a senior officer. You should know this. (Rolls eyes and
pokes at her console.)
KIM: (smoothes his hair back and takes a deep breath. His eyes suddenly
open wide and he gets worried.) Captain! It's a wormhole! It's pulling
us it!
JANEWAY: Who's driving this thing? Where's Tom? (She spies a note on the
CONN and goes to look at it. It reads
OUT TO LUNCH
LIEUTENANT PARIS
JANEWAY: Out to lunch? OUT TO LUNCH? It's only 0200 hours! (Starts
punching buttons on CONN) OOPS. (Presses self-destruct and deactivates
it just before blowing up Voyager.)
(Tom walks onto the bridge.)
COMPUTER: Person-in-big-BIG-trouble-who-shall-at-the-moment-remain-nameless on the
bridge.
TOM: Hmm. A wormhole, eh? Well, since we're already in it, it's too
late. I'm going to finish my baloney sandwich now.
JANEWAY: (Very angry) No, you are going to finish your [BEEP] sandwich
until you get us the [BEEP] [BEEP] out of this [BEEP] wormhole! Sit down
at the [BEEP] CONN and start flying, you [BEEP]!
TOM: Yes Captain! Right away, Captain! Anything you say, Captain! (Jogs
to CONN just as Voyager exits the wormhole in orbit of Earth)
JANEWAY: Why couldn't we have discovered this five years ago?
KIM: Scans show that it is the year 1999 on Earth.
JANEWAY: [BEEP].
* * * * *
(All the senior officers are in the briefing room, trying to make some
actual decisions.)
JANEWAY: Even if we do go back, we won't find anything the way it is, as
WE know it. In fact on this planet, we're not even born yet!
PARIS: Ooh! Your powers of observation ASTOUND me!
JANEWAY: I've already demoted you to Ensign, how do you feel about
Cadet?
(Paris is suddenly silent.)
KIM: (Starts to cry.) I wanna' go back home! I miss my teddy bear!
(Starts sucking on his thumb.)
CHAKOTAY: I think we should take a good old-fashioned vote! There's a
legend from my time, about two political parties. They---
ALL: SHUT UP!
CHAKOTAY: Okay.
SEVEN: I can enhance the planet with Borg technology so the citizens
will not be such bad drivers. I can also assimilate anyone who goes at
less that 50 miles per hour in the fast lane.
JANEWAY: Do it. I want all of you to beam down to the planet with me. We
will replicate some clothing from the time period so that we won't stand
out like sore thumbs.
B'ELANNA: Why?
JANEWAY: Starfleet protocol.
B'ELANNA: Why are we listening to [BEEP] Starfleet? They just annoy you
with [BEEP] rules until...
ALL: NOT AGAIN!
NEELIX: Can I go too?
JANEWAY: Okay, but wipe all the Talaxian make-up off so that nobody will
suspect us.
NEELIX: Okay.
* *
* * *
(The senior crew beams down to the planet to explore an old world. They
end up right in front of Henry Thorough Middle School and decide to look
around, as it is only 7:00 and the students weren't there.)
JANEWAY: Let's go in and get directions to a more interesting place.
(They go into the school and are promptly almost overrun by overzealous
school staff.)
STAFF MEMBER 1: THEY'RE HERE! HEY EVERYONE! THE SUBS ARE HERE!
ALL CREW: (Looks behind them to see whom the people are shouting at, but
there's nobody there.)
STAFF MEMBER 2: I'm so happy! I'm floating on cloud nine! I'm so happy!
I'm so gosh darned incredibly HAPPY! (Clears throat.) Sorry. So, you're
the subs. Here's the flyer, choose what you want to teach. (They leave.)
KIM: I don't wanna' go to school! My tummy hurts.
JANEWAY: Cheese and rice! (Taps commbadge.) Janeway to Voyager, beam Mr.
Kim back up to the ship.
(Kim whoops with joy and accidentally punches B'Elanna in the head at
the moment of transport.)
CHAKOTAY: Hey! B'Elanna isn't here now!
JANEWAY: So what? She had her two lines. I think I'll teach science
while we're stuck here.
CHAKOTAY: I'm gonna teach history!
TUVOK: I will take math. It is about as logical for me to teach math as
it is for you to teach history.
PARIS: Well, phys. Ed is the only one left. (Sighs.)
NEELIX: Dibs on Home EC! They cook.
(B'Elanna suddenly shimmers into appearance.)
B'ELANNA: Phew! I thought I'd be stuck in the transporter beam forever!
Well, that leaves me with English. (Makes a face.)
SEVEN: I shall teach chorus. We all know that I can sing after that
stupid episode with the Hirogen in the Holodeck.
(The crew splits up and goes to teach their classes. The camera follows
Seven down the hall because the cameraman has a crush on Jeri Ryan and
hers is the only class I have an idea for yet.)
SEVEN: (Walks into chorus room as the students sit down.) Children, Be
quiet so you can sing. (The students continue to talk. Seven screams at
the top of her lungs.) COMPLY!
STUDENTS: (All become silent.)
SEVEN: Thank you. We will be singing... (looks at music on piano) Dona
Nobis Pacem.
STUDENT 1: We don't know where to breathe in this song yet!
SEVEN: Breathing is irrelevant. Sing.
STUDENT 2: I have a sore throat!
SEVEN: You will adapt. Sing or I will be forced to assimilate you.
STUDENT 3: Like Seven of Nine on Voyager!
SEVEN: How do you know my designation?
STUDENT 3: It's only my favorite TV show!
SEVEN: State your name.
STUDENT 3: My name's Meghan. I like Voyager too, although I see you're
very dressed out for the job, which means you probably are more obsessed
with it than I am. I didn't know that was POSSIBLE!
SEVEN: Well. Anyway, sing.
CLASS: Dona... Nobis... Pacem, pacem...
SEVEN: (Pokes a piano note.) You are 0.00000001 note off key. You will
improve or you will be assimilated.
STUDENT 1: Than we should practice.
SEVEN: Practice is futile. What is your name?
STUDENT 1: I'm Leandra. This here is Jenny. (Points to the girl beside
her, student 2.) Please pardon Meghan, she has a problem. I try to get
her to come to Trekkies Anonymous meetings at my house, but she never
comes.
(The bell rings.)
SEVEN: Practice your singing or tomorrow you will be assimilated.
CLASS: (Looks at each other and bursts out laughing.)
SEVEN: Then you will report to the office if you do not practice.
CLASS: (Is all of a sudden very quiet.
(The class slowly files out, but Meghan stays to ask Seven a question.)
MEGHAN: Hi, teacher. Do you know who is teaching history? That's my next
subject.
SEVEN: I believe Commander Chakotay is teaching history.
MEGHAN: Are you all, like, Trekkies or something?
SEVEN: (Thinks about it first.) Yes.
MEGHAN: Cool! (Under her breath.) Too weird!
(Meghan walks into history and sees Chakotay standing at the board.)
MEGHAN: (Nearly faints)
SHIVVANI: Meghan! What's wrong?
MEGHAN: Nothing! Ha, ha! Nothing! ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING! HA, HA, HA, HA!
SHIVVANI: O-kay...
MEGHAN: I'm fine really.
(Both students sit down at their desks.)
CHAKOTAY: Hello. I will be your substitute today, because your teacher
is, well, they didn't tell us. So, what are we studying... AHA! (Looks in
the calendar.) We're studying industry! So... can anyone tell me about, uh,
John D. Rockefeller?
(Nobody raises a hand. The room is silent.)
CHAKOTAY: Ha, ha. Well, lets see. Who the heck WAS John Rockefeller
anyway... Uh, I mean, lets all look in our books and find out who the heck
John Rockefeller was! Whew! I mean, whoa, this book is thick! Uh...
SHIVVANI: (Raises hand)
CHAKOTAY: Yes? You over there, uh, at the desk.
SHIVVANI: Me?
CHAKOTAY: You.
SHIVVANI: Okay... John Rockefeller was the owner of standard oil company.
CHAKOTAY: Really? That's interesting... I mean, really, that's outstanding
work!
(The bell rings.)
CHAKOTAY: Okay, uh, there's no homework, and uh, there's no classwork,
and uh, see ya.
MEGHAN: Hello... Are all the teachers, like, Star Trek fans or something?
CHAKOTAY: Huh?
MEGHAN: You know, Voyager? Do you guys like the show Voyager?
CHAKOTAY: How do you know about Voyager?
MEGHAN: It's the world's best TV show! Well, I think so.
CHAKOTAY: Why do you ask?
MEGHAN: Well, you look exactly like Chakotay!
CHAKOTAY: Ha, ha. Run along! Don't want to be late! (faints.)
MEGHAN: Too weird.
(I don't want to bore you, so I'll just say the rest of the classes went
on until lunchtime at the end of PE. Everything went well, except for
maybe Neelix trying to make gravy out of something that a kid coughed up
in class. Paris didn't exactly get a warm response when he suggested a
game of Velocity to warm up, because Meghan was the only person who knew
the game. Paris and Meghan tried to demonstrate, but nobody liked the
idea of shooting a Frisbee with a laser. They ended up just throwing a
Frisbee back and forth, and Meghan tried to get everyone to take Paris
up on playing Velocity. At lunch, Meghan tried to prove her suspicions
to her friends.)
KELLY: Meghan, you are officially hooked on this show, and it's bad.
ANGELA: Somebody get Meghan her medication!
MEGHAN: Ha, ha. I'm laughing on the inside, believe me. Look at this.
(Points to a picture in Star Trek the Magazine.) Does this look like the
PE teacher?
JENNY: She's right! Look at this!
MEGHAN: His name is Paris, and he tends to get demoted. Either we have
time travelers for teachers, or we have Hollywood stars for teachers!
(The rest of the day goes on, and now all Meghan's friends believed her
theory. After school, Meghan dropped into the science room to get her
binder organized.)
MEGHAN: Wow! I have lots of papers in this thing! (Pulls out a red and
blue wormhole looking thing.) Uh, teacher?
JANEWAY: Hmm. What could that be? (Janeway puts her hand through the
hole. On Voyager, over 300 years in the future, everyone sees a hand
appear on the bridge, floating in midair. Janeway pulls her hand out.) I
have to find some people. I'll be right back. And don't touch that
thing!
(Several minutes later, Janeway returns with all the crew behind her.)
JANEWAY: Meghan, can I prove something?
MEGHAN: Okay...
JANEWAY: (Taps commbadge.) Janeway to Voyager, two to beam up.
MEGHAN: WHAT?!
(They appear on the bridge.)
JANEWAY: See?
MEGHAN: Wurg. (I'm sure Meghan would have spoken English, but she was
busy trying to get her heart to start pumping again.)
(They beam back down to the school)
JANEWAY: You had a temporal wormhole in your binder. That's what brought
us here.
(A figure wearing Starfleet red walks in.)
JANEWAY: Oh, NO! Not Braxton AGAIN!
ALL CREW: [BEEP]
BRAXTON: Okay, hurry on through the temporal wormhole. Let's go. Let's
not scramble this kids brain any more than you already have.
MEGHAN: Bye.
ALL CREW: Bye!
(They disappear through the wormhole.)
MEGHAN: Too weird!
Notes to Paramount: Hello. I am a minor therefore you can't sue me. Ha,
ha. I wasn't trying to use the Voyager crew to get myself money or
anything, just to give folks a laugh. Go back to your offices, nothing
to sue here!
Notes to everyone: Hello! I am going to confess my crime. I'm only 12.
Yes. You just wasted your time reading a whole story written by a person
who's not even in high school yet. Ha, ha. I hope you liked reading Too
Weird, because I enjoyed writing it. I had a GREAT copy, but when my
computer tried to purge my document file of all life, half of it was
deleted, so I had to start all over from when the Voyager finds itself
in orbit over 20th century Earth. I realize some of you wanted to read
about the rest of the classes, but that would have required an eleven or
twelve page story. I also realize that some kids WOULD like shooting a
Frisbee around with a laser. But I decided to write that they wouldn't
because all the kids at my school are such 'angels' that they would
'hate' to do something that could damage the school, such as winging a
Frisbee around with a Phased Energy Beam.
I haven't written any other parodies (yet), but on the odd chance that
you might want this one on your web site, E-MAIL me at
JMKM2000@gateway.net. You can also E-MAIL me there if you want to send
me a compliment or some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism
Meghan Mann