Trek Park: The Spirit of Trek 
by Kiki the Weird

What if Star Trek: TNG were done in South Park  style?  Read and find out.  
MATURE READERS ONLY!

Star Trek and South Park aren't mine.  I came up  with the idea: What if 
South Park's The Spirit of Christmas was done with some of the cast of 
Star Trek: TNG.  I'd like to apologize for this work.  I know a lot of 
people are going to take  offense by it.  But this was only meant as a 
parody in it's purest form.  Please don't flame me!

Captain's Log: Another shitty day on this damn ship.  Here I am surrounded 
	by Starfleet's most gorgeous chicks and I'm not getting any!  My 
	first officer is a total dork.  And now, the ship is 
	being piloted by a toddler.  If the little bastard 
	saves the ship one more time,  I'm shoving him 
	outside the ship, without a suit.  In a few 
	minutes I have to meet with the Klingons, the 
	cockroaches of the universe.  Why do I have to 
	keep this stupid log anyway?
                         
(Everyone is on the bridge.)

Picard: Hey big dork!  What's going on?
Riker: How the hell should I know?
Westley: (whose face is covered by a hood.)  mmmmmhhhh   mmmmmnnnn.
Data: I may be fully functional but I am not going to do that!  Little 
	pervert!
Picard: When the hell are the Klingons supposed to get here?
Data: Wait a damn minute!  In a few hours, unfortunately. 
Picard: Your precision ain't worth shit!
Westley: MMMMNNNN MMMMHHHH 
Troi: That is like totally gross!  Like leave my cleavage out of this
Data: How can he?  You're always sticking it in our faces.

(Dr Crusher enters wearing a negligee version of the StarFleet uniform)

Dr Crusher: (runs her fingers across Picard's head) Jean-Luc, I think I need 
	a special  innoculation.  
Picard: Get lost!  I'm trying to score with the  Counselor.
Riker: That's my job!
Picard: Which you haven't been able to do you big dork!  Go eat some Cheesy 
	Poofs and Happy Tarts!
Data: Did someone just say something about Geordi? (Data laughs)  
Geordi: (voice-over comm call) I heard that you pile of scrap metal.  Don't 
	think you're so hot just because you did the nasty with Tasha.  
	She was under a mind altering disease.  She mistook you for her 
	vibrator!
Riker: I'm not fat, Baldy!
Picard: You're so fat that your ass has it's own Quadrant.
Geordi: Besides, your cat is gay.  I caught her humping Troi's leg.
Data: Bite me, fender-face!
Geordi: You wish.

(Three Klingons arrive.)

Picard: Holy shit!  It's the Klingons!
Klingon 1: I am called Moo-Moo
Klingon 2: I and called Poo-Poo
Klingon 3: I am called Doo-Doo
Riker: I'm not touching that with a ten foot pole.
Picard: You wish you had a ten foot pole!
Moo-Moo: Are you dishonoring our names?
Poo-Poo: If so, our vengance will be swift.  
Geordi: (voice-over) Those names suck!  And I thought Data was a rotten 
	name.
Data: You should talk, Geordi.  Why don't you go do some a Reading Rainbow 
	episode from inside the warp core.

(Doo-Doo gets pissed and fires a phaser at Picard.  The ray bounces off of 
Picard's crome dome and hits Westley)

Picard: Oh my god!  They killed Westley!  YOU BASTARDS!
Riker: Don't have a shit fit.  You never liked him that much anyway.
Picard: For once the big dork is right.  Screw the brat.

(Rats come in and carry off Westley's corpse. No one seems to care.)

Picard: Look you stupid Klingons!  You have no right to come in here and 
	shoot my crew. (under his breath) No matter how annoying.
Moo-Moo: We do not like to be dishonored.
Data: Dishonor this! (flips up his middle finger).
Doo-Doo: That's it!  I'm blasting the droid. 

(pulls out his phaser but Data knocks him to the ground and they wrestle 
there.)
(Moo-Moo and Riker get into a shouting match of insults while Data and 
Doo-Doo fight)

Picard: Stop this!  We have to think.  What would Captain James T. Kirk do?
Troi: Like, what would he do?

(Kirk beams in.  We see the beaming special effects which leave a plie of 
glitter on the rug)

Kirk: You called, Picard?
Picard: We got a bunch of pain in the ass Klingons that just blew an Ensign 
	away.  Now they're picking fights with my crew.  How do I handle 
	this?
Kirk: I always find that a listening ear, an open mind, and a phaser set on 
	maximum decimation work the best in these situations

(Picard and Kirk pull out their phasers and blast the Klingons to ashes.)

Picard: Thanks Kirk!  Want to get a sythahol smoothie and do the humpty 
	dance with the Doctor?
Kirk: I'd rather have the Counselor.

(Picard and Kirk leave the bridge arguing over who gets Troi.)
(A sign goes up, saying "Fin")