(Christopher Walken comes out)

Christopher Walken: Hello! I'm...Christopher
	Walken...Welcome...to the parody of your life...I
	am...your narrator...You may be wondering...why am
	I...Christopher Walken...here? Hello! I am your
	guide...as you watch absurdity at...it's prime!
	Enjoy. Hello.
Man: I'll buy that for a dollar!
Christopher Walken: Who...are you?
Man: Just a guy.

(The show starts off on the Enterprise. Picard is
standing yelling at the screen)
Picard: Whale ahead! Pursue the beast! A gold coin to the
	one who captures MOBY DICK! (Looks at Ensign Boba
	Fett) No disintegrations!
Ensign Boba Fett: Kiss my ass.
Riker: Captain, you're having another flashback!
Picard: Oh, sorry. Anyways! Queequeg!
Data: That's Data.
Picard: Whatever. What was our mission?
Data: To boldly go where no one has gone before! To soar
	the cosmos! To challenge the unknown! Explore the
	galaxy!
Picard: Good! Let's explore that planet! (Points to the
	screen)
Troi: Captain, that's Earth! We haven't left starbase
	since we got...BACK TO THE FUTURE!
Worf: Jumping Jigowatts!
Picard: Oh. Well now what??? This parody is going to be
	really fucking short if we don't discover something!
Geordi: Captain! I've got something coming towards Earth!
Picard: The Borg.
Geordi: No.
Picard: The Dominion.
Geordi: No.
Picard: The Kromaggs.
Geordi: No. Wrong show.
Picard: Christopher Walken.
Christopher Walken: Hello!
Geordi: No. FOR GOD'S SAKES MAN! IT'S A METEOR! OKAY!
Picard: A meteor?
All: A meteor?
Worf: MY GOD! HEAVEN AND EARTH ARE ABOUT TO COLLIDE IN A
	DEEP IMPACT!
Data: HEADS UP! IT'S ARMAGEDDON!
Geordi: And it's got life forms all over it! Like spores!
Riker: Mmm. Graham. Chocolate. Marshmallow. Mmmm. (Riker
	drools)
Beverly: (Slapping Riker) He said SPORES! NOT S'MORES!
Picard: It is new...we must study this moment and the
	meteor. Bond with it! Learn with it!
Geordi: Captain, it's headed TOWARDS Earth.
Picard: What's the worst it could do?

(The meteor hits Kenny, killing him instantly.)

Kyle: You killed Kenny! You BASTARDS!

(Back on the Enterprise...)

Data: Captain, there are life forms coming off it and
	slaughtering people left and right! They look
	like...bugs!
Riker: Waitaminute. Isn't that Men In Black jurisdiction?
Data: Not bugs. BUGS!
Troi: The human race can get wiped out by insects? Boy,
	the human race is a bunch of wussies!
Data: For your information, these bugs are the size of
	horses!
Troi: D'oh!
Picard: We must communicate with them! Talk! Speak! Bond!
Geordi: Captain, they just took out France.
Riker: Who hasn't?
Picard: WHAT? KILL THEM ALL! FIREFIREFIREFIREFIRE!
Worf: ABOUT FUCKIN' TIME! WHEEEEEEE!

(Worf fires quantum torpedoes and phasers all over
France. Killing tons of bugs left and right and a couple
of French people. But hey, who's gonna know?)

Picard: Where did that come from?
Data: P.
Picard: I already went!
Geordi: No, Mr. Clean! The planet P!
Picard: then take us there!

(They get there fast. How fast? Fast enough for this
story to progress.)

Data: Captain, I'm detecting a ship coming towards out of
	warp from Earth.
Riker: Borg?
Troi: Klingon?
Worf: Dominion?
Geordi: Shadows?
All: WRONG SHOW!!!
Nameless Doomed Ensign: Incoming transmission!

(Captain Carmen Ibanez clicks on screen)

Carmen: Attention! This is the Starship Schwarzenegger
	from the planet Earth. We are here to kill the bugs!
	Stand in our way and you'll be destroyed!
Picard: (Pauses) Aw, shit!
==========================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Coming soon to a TV near you...The team-up everyone wants
to see... THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK MEETS THE GIMP FROM
'PULP FICTON'!!!

Man in the mask: Mmmmmmfff mfmmmff mmmf mff!
Gimp: MMMff mfmfmf mmmf mmmmmmfffff ffmf!
Man in the mask: Mmm mmm  mm mff!
Gimp: Mmmmf mmmfmf mmfff!
Kenny: Mmmm mmmf mmm!
Yes! It's four hours of high drama!
Gimp & Man in the Mask: Mmmmm mmmmm mmm!

==========================
(The starship Schwarzenegger is head to head with the
Enterprise. Picard stands defiantly looking at the
camera.)

Picard: Go ahead! Make my day!
Troi: Wassup with the Captain?
Riker: He buggin'!
Carmen Ibanez: Buggin'? Oh, that was a pun! Wasn't it?
Riker: Word.
Dr. Crusher: Captain you're acting completely different
	than usual!!!
Picard: And how is that?
Dr. Crusher: Y'know all french and whiny and dorky and
	stuff!
Picard: What??
Dr. Crusher: Nothing.
Christopher Walken: Meanwhile...on the...Shwarzenegger.
Carmen: Johnny! We have to stop that unknown ship!
Johnny: Let's fire at it!
Carmen: This ship doesn't have guns!
Johnny: What the fuck does this thing have?
Carmen: I dunno.
Ace: I will say my witty line now.
Johnny: Not yet. Wait til later!

(Ace walks off. Neve Campbell walks on.)

Neve: Private Sidney Prescott reporting for duty Captain
	Ibanez!
Johnny: (Looking at Sidney) Hubba hubba!
Carmen: She's okay. I should know.

(Carmen and Sidney get closer and closer to reenacting
that scene from Wild Things when all of a sudden...Dizzy
fades INTO existence)

Johnny: Oh, hi Dizzy. What's up?
Dizzy: I was sent to get the plot moving again!
Johnny, Carmen, Ace and Sidney: Good Luck.
Dizzy: Quick, then! Let's engage in mindless violence!

(The entire group start taking potshots at the feet of
the poor bastard sent to deliver Capt. Ibanez's coffee!!)

Ginger Spice: Hey! Stop! Please! I just need the money!
Christopher Walken: Meanwhile... The Enterprise
	crew...decides to beam over...to start... character
	interaction!
Johnny: What???
Christopher Walken: Oops.

(Picard, Riker, Data, Worf and Troi and Ensigns Austin
and Fett beam onto the Bridge of the Shwarzenegger
startling the crew.)

Carmen: Who are you? How did you get here?
Picard: We beamed.
Carmen: What?
Picard: We transported.
Carmen: How?
Picard: Computer generated imaging.
Carmen: Huh?

(After a long and lengthy explanation using sock puppets.
Carmen gets it.)

Sidney: What? Who called?

(No, you Party-Of-Five dimwit! Gets it! Not gets it on!)

Sidney: Oh. Never mind.

(So we go into the irrittatingly long process of
introductions)

Picard: This is Riker, Data, Worf, Troi and Ensigns Boba
	Fett and Steve Austin.
Ace: Lee Majors?
Steve Austin: No you silly S.O.B. They call me Stone
	Cold! 

(Steve gives Ace the finger and stunners him)

Steve Austin: Now I'll leave your ass lying unconcious in
	the Aisle. And that's the bottom line because Stone
	Cold said so!
Johnny: (looking at Ace's unconcious body) Whatever. This
	is my boss Carmen. My friends Ace and Dizzy and
	ensign Sidney Prescott.

(Pleasantries and recipes are exchanged then the plot is
forced to progress as bug turds hit the Shwarzenegger and
the Enterprise.

Geordi: What the hell? Any damage, Barclay?
Barclay: Nah, shields can take this shit for years.
Christopher Walken: Meanwhile...on the...Shwarzenegger...
Nameless ensign on th verge of death: Captain! The ships
	breaking apart!! ARGH! (He dead.)
Carmen: Abandon ship! To the life boats!
Irish guy: ICEBERG RIGHT AHEAD!
Picard: Why don't we just beam out?
Data: Can't beam with shields up. Plot device #7. It's
	one of the rules.
Riker: What rules?
Data: you don't know the rules?
Sidney: NO! NO! NO! Just- Just get to the life boats!

(All previously mentioned characters cram into the ship
and fly out of the exploding Shwarzenegger. Man if that
would only happen in real life. I mean come on. That poor
shmuck's career ended after True Lies. Junior? Eraser?
Batman and Robin? Who watches this crap? If I only had a
gun...)

Christopher Walken: Fuck! Get on with it!

(Sorry! The entire gang gets into the ship.)

Johnny: Hey? Who's driving?
Carmen: I am!
Johnny: Uh oh. (He fastens his safety belt.)

(Carmen takes off at Mach 6. The crew hears a grinding
noise.)

Data: Take it out of first! Take it out of first!

(Carmen starts hitting dead ensigns with the ship. She
also hits Kenny, Leo DiCaprio and that Astronaut from
Deep Impact.)

Carmen: Hey! Why isn't your ship getting damaged?
Picard: We've got shields.
Carmen: Wow. Hi-tech shit!
Picard: You don't have transporters. No shields. No
	weapons. And you people are winning this war?
Johnny: Yep.

(The Enterprise gang rolls their eyes.)

Riker: Hey? Where's this tub headed? 
Ace: The planet.
Worf: Where on the planet?
Dizzy: Where all the bugs are firing from.

(The Enterprise gang smacks their foreheads.)

Christopher Walken: Meanwhile...on the...Planet in
	a...cave.
Victor Borg: Hey Queen! Y'know those bugs we just
	assimilated?
Queen: Oh sure. By the way, how did we get here? We were
	all killed in First Contact!

(Victor shrugs)

Queen: Whatever. What about those bugs?
Victor: We finished assimilating them! Introducing......
	The Burgs!

(A cyborg Brain bug and a whole mess of cyber-warrior
bugs come out)

Queen: Cool. What are we going to do with them?
Victor: make 'em into cool toys!
Queen: (rubbing her hands together) Excellent! with them
	we shall achieve our goals of conquering the world!
	YES!

(Everyone laughs. Including the cyberbugs. Hey, is it me
or does the Brain Bug look like a colon?)

Christopher Walken: Shut up! We'll be back after...an ad
	for...Skittles and my ...Psychic Friends hotline!

=====================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Not so fast, chris! We've got something so great to sell!
YOU SAW THE MOVIE!
YOU SAT THROUGH 3 AND A HALF HOURS!
NOW...PLAY WITH THE TOYS!
TITANIC ACTION FIGURES!
TALKING JACK DAWSON SAYS 3 THINGS: "Rose!" "We have to
	stay on the ship as long as possible!" and "Brr! is
	it cold in here or is it me?"
TALKING ROSE DAWSON SAYS 3 THINGS: "Draw me like one of
	your French whores, Jack!" "You're shivering, Jack!"
	and "This is where we first met!"
A REMOVABLE CLOTHES TWO-PACK OF JACK AND ROSE!
SPITTING ROSE DAWSON!
DICAPRIO: LORD OF THE DANCE FIGURE!
QUICK DRAW BILLY ZANE!
BILL PAXTON WITH THOSE UNDERWATER ROBOT THINGIES!
THREE PACK JAMES CAMERON, ROSE'S DAUGHTER AND LINDA
HAMILTON WITH DIVORCE PAPERS!
THAT OLD LADY WITH THE HEART OF THE OCEAN!
AND MANY, MANY MORE! REMEMBER! ALL FIGURES CHANGE COLOR
IN COLD WATER!
WITH ACCESSORIES LIKE THE STEAMING WINDOW CAR! ICEBERG
PLAYSET AND THAT PIECE OF WOOD ROSE HUNG ONTO!
TITANIC ACTION FIGURES! BECAUSE TITANIC IS MORE POPULAR
THAN JESUS!
=====================
Christopher Walken: In the desert...all is quiet!

(Carmen's ship slams down smack into a sand dune. Killing
many endangered species and plants)

Carmen: Well, how was that?
All: Shitty. Truly shitty!

(The crew gets out and starts walking. As they're
walking, Johnny hears a noise. He ignores it. A flyer
comes out and kills some poor stage hand.)

Picard: Holy SHIT!

(The entire group runs for it. Johnny trips and bumps
into Ensign Boba Fett's roicket pack. This activates it,
sends Boba flying, screaming like a little girl and right
into the Sarlacc pit.)

Riker: NOOOOOOO!

(An hour later, the crew is tired and weak from thirst.
Except Data and Carmen. Inhuman fuckers!)

Data: Wait! I hear a noise!
Johnny: From where?
Data: Thataway!
Johnny: It's the BUGS! Fire!

(The entire gang fires away killing anything in their
path. They stop and the dust clears. Picard nears a dead
body.)

Picard: Don't move!
Carl the Jawa: (near death) Uuuuu-tinni! (dies)

(The gang realizes they just killed a whole mess of
Jawas!)

Picard: Uh-oh.
Worf: Let's get out of here!

(The gang bails as a sandspeeder pulls up.)

Luke: Sand people did this!
Obi-Wan: No, Luke. These tracks are side by side. Sand
	people ride in a straight line to hide their
	numbers. And these blaster marks are too
	prescice. Stormtroopers did this!
Luke: Uncle Owen! Aunt Beru!

(Luke runs off)

Christopher Walken: Meanwhile...on the...moisture farm!
Picard: Rico! You just killed two senior citizens!
Johnny: They looked like bugs!
Picard: What-ever! Let's get out of here before anyone
	see us!
Queen: Like us?
Picard: D'oh!
Carmen: Yikes! Who's the slut?
Data: Some bitch who was hot for me. Tried to destroy
	earth.
Worf: That's our job!
Queen: Regardless! you shall join our prisoners or face
	certain doom!
Riker: No! Y-you wouldn't!
Queen: Yes! I'll force you to watch Godzilla and Batman
	and Robin!
All: Nooooo!

(The gang complies and surrenders. They leave as Luke
pulls up.)

Luke: Nooooo!

(The gang is brought to a holding cell where they see
numerous prisoners.)

Wesley: Hi guys.
Picard: Wesley!
Wesley: Wasn't I Know What You Did Last Summer awesome!
Troi: My god! They sucked out his brain!
Worf: He had one?
Eric Roberts: They took my thumbs! They took my thumbs!
Picard: We can't stand for this! We must escape! Freedom!
All: Freedom!
Johnny: Kill 'em all!

(No one says anything. The gang rebels!)
(Steve gives a stunner to Victor Borg. Sidney shoots a
bug right in the head.  Dizzy runs right at a bug with
Wesley. Johnny drops his gun on the ground. Dizzy and
Wesley trip over it and the bug stabs 'em both.)

Picard: You killed Wesley! You bastards!
Johnny: You killed Dizzy! You bastards!
Christopher Walken: Okay. You've used...the quota
	of...South Park...references. Congratulations.
All: Yay.

(Johnny walks up to the Brain Burg. It brings that big
needle thing out. Johnny sees a dime and reaches for it
as the Brain Burg strikes out. The Brain bug accidentally
kills the Queen.)

Brain: Oh poopy.
Picard: Here, read this.

(Picard hands the Brain a copy of X-Men/Star Trek and the
Bug dies of stupidity)

Christopher Walken: Later, the Enterprise beams up the
	Troopers.
Picard: Geordi, what were you guys doing while we were in
	that hell!
Geordi: (Drinking a Slurpee) Nuthin'. 
Carl Jenkins: Good work John, Carmen, Sidney, Ace!
Troi: Holy shit! It's Doogie Howser!
Worf: Sign my butt, Doogie!
Dr. Crusher: Dooooooogiiiiiieeeeee! I'm your biggest fan!
Doogie: Hey! I'm not Doogie! I'm Carl!
Picard: Fuck dat! You're Doogie!

(Carl...Ah, fuck it. Doogie walks off pissed.)

Picard: Fuck it! We've saved earth. Killed some Jawas and
	now we're through. Later, troopers!
Troopers: (all bummed out) Later.

(Picard has them beamed down to the planet and the
Enterprise takes off in search of truth, fun and fine
chicks.)

Ensign Austin: And that's the bottom line!
Christopher Walken: Later, on the...planet.
Carmen: Now what?
John: I'm off to protect the lost city and back chicks
	with my monkey sidekick. (Johnny tears off his shirt
	and swings away.)
Carmen: Ensign Prescott! Build a transmitter and signal
	Earth.
Sidney: Not so fast! I'm outta here!
Carmen: Says who?
Kevin Bacon: Says me! (He shoots Carmen in the chest.
	Sidney then shoots him and she leaves.)
Ace: Yay! I get airtime! It's my turn to shine.
Vengeful Jawa number 1: There he is! One of the real
	killers!
Vengeful Jawa number 2: Get him!
Vengeful Jawa numbers 3-283: UTINNI!

(Ace is torn apart by vengeful Jawas)

Christopher Walken: There you have it. that was the
	parody. It's over now if you enjoyed it send me
	money. Please! my last movie was Excess Baggage with
	Fat-girl! Love me with money or I'll hate you with
	hammers. Good-Bye!

(Christopher Walken leaves.)
THE END!