X-Files Through The T.V. Screen
Disclaimer:
Mulder, Scully, Krychek and Cancer Man belong to Chris Carter and 1013 productions. Winnie the Pooh, Tigger and Eyore
belong to A.A. Millan. Alice in Wonderland Characters belong to their respective author; I’m not sure who exactly that is.
Elmo belongs to Sesame Street, and Mr. Burns belongs to The Simpsons. Kurt Cobain and Adolf Hitler belong to themselves.
Nine Inch Nails also belong to themselves and ROCK by the way. Ginger ‘fro boy does exist, belongs to himself, and he
invented the lurking. The theme tune to ‘Halloween’ belongs to erm… Halloween. I don’t own The Wizard of Oz, and again, I’m
not sure who does, but it ain’t mine. Courtney Love belongs to herself. Anything else that I’ve used, that I’ve forgotten to
mention and didn’t create PLEASE don’t sue,
JI make no profit.J
I’m relatively new to this so please be nice, however, I do appreciate constructive criticism. This is rated : PG because
although it is strange (I am now convinced that I need psychiatric help) I used no unsuitable plots or language.
J
Scene 1: Int Basement Office, late Friday afternoon
Mulder: Gimme it!
Krychek: No!! You had it for ages!
Mulder: Did not!
Krychek: Did too!
(Mulder and Krychek are fighting over the T.V.
remote and this continues for a while getting
extremely childish at times)
Mulder: Did not!
Krychek: You soooooooo did!!
Mulder: I’m telling!
Krychek: Good, you go and tell, and I’ll watch ‘Winnie the Pooh’.
Mulder: No that’s not fair because I wanted to watch ‘Sesame Street’
and then we missed it so then I wanted to see ‘Nine Inch Nails’
and then you... ... what was I saying?
Krychek: Dunno, I tuned out a half hour before you started talking.
(Mulder starts to cry)
OK, look, we’ll compromise, let’s watch the news.
Mulder: THE NEWS!!! What’s with you, man?!!! And anyway, what does:
com... com...comprov, that cool big word you used mean?
Krychek: Dunno, but Scully uses it all the time and it sounds great.
Look, let’s just watch star trek.
Mulder: (sulking) NO! Mtv!
(enter Scully)
Scully: Hi Mulder, hi Ratboy.
(both sit in silence sulking and trying to outstare
each other. Scully shakes her head and gets
coffee. Does double take)
KRYCHEK!!!!!! You died, didn’t you? Oh hell, not another ghost,
Mulder, what did I tell you about that?!
(Mulder hangs head in shame)
Krychek: Died? Oh yes, on numerous occasions, only to miraculously come
back without any explanation.
(Scully produces a VERY large bottle of vodka and
changes to the history channel)
Mulder: Awwwwwwwwwww Scuuuuuuuuuulllyyy! We were watching that!
Krychek: Yeah, you’re mean, come on, switch it back.
Scully: You were watching Winnie the Pooh?
(Krychek sticks out tongue. Various other childish
comments are yelled at Scully, with Mulder and
Krychek fall about giggling like school girls every
time one of them swears. Scully rubs her temples
and decides that she doesn’t get paid enough)
Wait, why are you in our office anyway, Krychek?
(Krychek shrugs and continues watching T.V. as
Scully flicks through various channels)
Mulder: Hey, Scully! Check out the new rain dance I learned at
Kindergarten!
(Begins dancing and chanting for a while. Krychek
joins him, Scully rolls her eyes, drinks more
vodka and complains again about the pay)
Krychek: Oops!
Mulder: No, you did it right, but the bit where you turn around and do the
hand thing…
Krychek: No, not ‘oops, I did the dance wrong’, ‘oops, I spilled Scully’s
Coffee on the T.V.’
Mulder: (nodding vehemently) Oops, Scully is gonna kill us, maybe this’ll
fix it.
(Pushes various random buttons. Scully puts
down the bottle and notices them. Mulder and
Krychek look terrified and Scully screams and
pushes their heads through the T.V.)
Mulder: Jeez, lighten up!
Krychek: Yeah, try de-caff.
Mulder: What good would that do?
(Krychek shrugs. Suddenly, the office is filled
with blue electric lights, flashes, and thunder,
some smoke and various other expensive looking
effects.)
Mulder: MOMMY!!!
Krychek: HOLD MY HAND!!!!!
JEND OF SCENE J
Scene 2 : Int T.V. Sesame Street
(Mulder, Scully and Krychek wake up, even
though they were never unconscious, in an
area with strangly happy vibes. Kurt Cobain is
sitting in a corner looking cool and smoking
hash. A strange boy with a ginger ‘fro is
doing the hand thing that Mr. Burns on ‘The
Simpons’ when he says ‘excellent’, but is
saying ‘lurk’ in a deep and scary voice. Elmo
joins him)
Elmo: Hi there, I’m Elmo. Would you like to hang out with me?
Ginger ‘fro boy: OK, but first you must master the art of lurking. Now
put your hands like this, twiddle your fingers ever so
slightly and say: lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk. You try it.
Elmo: OK, but what’s your name?
Ginger ‘fro boy: THAT, is unimportant. Now lurk.
Elmo: Alright, lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk…
Ginger ‘fro boy: Nonononono, like this…
Mulder: Alright, I’m about to explain my weird theory, every one ready?
(out of nowhere, the theme tune to
‘Haloween’ starts playing. Kurt starts head-
banging, Scully and Krychek look around
terrified. Scully then remembers that
Mulder is about to say something illogical and
takes out her vodka)
Krychek: Where is that music coming from?
Kurt: Who cares? (continues head banging)
Mulder: OK, the rain dance that Krychek and me…
Scully: Krychek and I.
Mulder: (very confused) You didn’t learn it Scully, and anyway, you’re not
supposed to be listening, you’re ment to be getting drunk so you
can handle my weird theories. So, the rain dance that we were
doing is in fact, a conspiracy…
Scully: Here we go…
Mulder: A conspiracy to get all young children to unleash evil spirits upon
the world, completely changing life as we know it, turning Scully
into an alcoholic, jeopardising the earth’s rotation, causing me to
babble incoherently…
Elmo: Lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk…
Ginger ‘fro boy: Now you’re getting it, lurk…lurk…
Mulder: Back to my point, the dance must have summoned all the evil
spirits of the world, who told the aliens where to find us, who
took us from our office, took us all around the earth, through
space and time and deposited us here, the root of all evil,
(sinister voice) SESAME STREET!!!
Krychek: Of course! Now it all makes so much sense! (getting scarily
excited) That’s exactly what happened, it’s the only way to
explain it, it’s the most logical explanation!!! MY LIFE NOW
HAS MEANING!!!
(Scully hits Mulder with her empty bottle
and slaps Krychek upside the head)
Scully: Shut up Mulder!! We watched too much T.V. and now we’re
hallucinating, THAT is the most logical explanation!! And YOU,
stop encouraging him, you’re so gullible. Are you listening
to me, Ratboy?
(Krychek is involved in a very serious hand
of poker with Kurt, Elmo and Ginger ‘fro
boy)
Mulder: Nono, that’s not right at all, we must go to Oz, the wizard will
help us!
(Scully rolls her eyes and produces a
bottle of whiskey)
Mulder: Hey, you ran out of vodka.
(long pause)
Scully, how do you fit so much in your pockets, and they’re so well
concealed, you wouldn’t know you had anything in them. Where do
you buy your trench coats?
Krychek: Go fish!
Elmo: We’re playing poker.
Kurt: Full house!
Elmo: No, Kurt, you have a 2, a7, two 4s, and a Queen.
Kurt: Cool!
Ginger ‘fro boy: Lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk…
JEND OF SCENEJ
Scene 3: Int T.V. Wonderland
(Mulder and Krychek are skipping arm in
arm, Scully is smirking at Kurt, Elmo and
Ginger ‘fro boy are lurking. They see 2
oddly coloured animals sitting under a tree
as they come to the edge of a forest.
There is a third animal bouncing around and
singing)
Tigger: The wonderful thing about tiggers…
Mulder: (with childish glee) Ooh! FUN…
(Mulder and Kurt start singing and dancing,
Scully sits down with Pooh and Eyore,
Krychek starts to do the rain dance again)
NO KRYCHEK!!!!!!!!! Remember what happened the last time?
Scully: Oh hell!!!!!
(Krychek looks ashamed, Mulder and
Tigger continue)
Mulder & Tigger: The wonderful thing about Tiggers…
Scully: So, you’re a bear…
Pooh: Yes m’am, I like huney.
Scully: And you’re a donkey…
Eyore: Uh-huh, I like thistles, I’m looking for a new home.
Scully: Oookaaayy….
Mulder: Scully! These are amazing X-files, and they’re fun too!
Krychek: What’s that noise?
Kurt: It’s the angels, man!
Ginger ‘fro boy & Elmo: Lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk…
Scully: It’s crying, who is it?
Pooh: It’s in that tree…
Kurt: He’s flyin’! I want whatever he has!
Scully: It’s Hitler!
Mulder: You see, the evil spirits have resurrected Hitler.
Scully: Shut up, Mulder.
Tigger: Say there mister, what’s a trouble to ya?
Hitler: I stepped on a bug (sniff) it’s dead. L
Eyore: Can I have his house then?
Hitler: I don’t know where he lived, he will have a nameless tombstone, his
family won’t know, he will lie cold and unloved for all eternity. Boo-
hoo-hoo-hoo. Oh woe is me!
Alice: Oh Shut up!
Scully: Who are you?
Alice: What’s it to you?
(Alice lights joint, Hitler blows his nose into
a lacey hanky)
Scully: I’m special agent Dana Scully, FBI.
Hitler: I’ll never forgive myself, never, never, NEVER!
Ginger ‘fro boy & Elmo: Lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk…
Alice: Oh don’t be such a wuss! Go to the dry cleaners and pick up my
suede dress, this leather is too hot.
Mulder: Any way, we’d love to help you, but…
Mulder,Tigger,Krychek & Kurt: WE’RE OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD, THE
WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ!!
Eyore: Come on Pooh, maybe he can find me a new home.
(Alice rolls eyes, Scully somehow has
managed to get her paws on some more
alcohol and is well on her way to getting
plastered)
Mulder: Come on every one!
Ginger ‘fro boy & Elmo: Lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk…
Hitler: I’m gonna stay here and morn the death of poor little, erm…..
Alice: Gross Slime ball?
Hitler: No, erm…..James, I think I’ll call him James.
Queen of Hearts: Off with his head!!!
Kurt: Cool.
Mulder: SCUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPP MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
Scully: Oh Mulder, you’re pathetic!
Mulder: RUN! RUN TO THE MAGICAL LAND OF OZ!!
Pooh: You know, maybe if you didn’t roll your eyes so much, you wouldn’t
get so many headaches.
Tigger: Yeah, and maybe if you laid off the ol’ alcomahol.
Kurt: Hey, anyone wanna play poker?
(Scully grins)
Mulder: HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Krychek: We’re off to see the wizard…
Eyore: Some one please shoot me.
Ginger ‘fro boy & Elmo: Lurk…lurk…lurk..
JEND OF SCENEJ
Scene 4: Int T.V. A Forest
Pooh: Oh fudge! Where are we now?
Eyore: Hell. We’re in hell, we all died.
Tigger: When, why didn’t we notice?
(the 3 continue through the wood looking
miffed and trying to find Scully, Krychek
and Kurt. They didn’t need to find Mulder,
they could hear him, and they didn’t want to
find Elmo and that boy with the hair, they
were too scary)
Pooh: Look, they’re over there.
Krychek: Go fish!
Scully: NO!! NO MORE FISHING!! THAT’S NOT HOW YOU PLAY!! IT’S
POKER!! NOT GO FISH!!
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
GET ME ALCOHOL!!!!
Tigger: Deal me in fellas.
Eyore: Look, you want to try it this way…
(Eyore explains the basic rules of poker to
Krychek. Meanwhile, in another part of the
forest…)
Mulder: So you’re like, dead, and high?
Kurt: Right.
Mulder: And you’re like, not?
Courtney: Uh-huh.
Mulder: So, you married a dead guy?
Courtney: Uh-huh.
Kurt: Well I wasn’t like, dead at the time.
Courtney: Uh-huh.
Mulder: You’re one of those blonds who says nothing else, right?
Courtney: Uh-huh.
Mulder: Cool. But you can sing, can’t you?
(Mulder and Courtney start singing, Kurt
starts head banging. Enter Pooh)
Pooh: Oh my! Maybe these aren’t the best people for me to be around.
Ginger ‘fro boy & Elmo: Lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk…
Mulder: Now look here you erm…1…7…11…14…6…3…9…erm,2, yeah that’s
right, have you got a permit to be lurking so menacingly, and
stuff?
Kurt: Hey, let’s play ‘pooh sticks’ with them both!
Courtney: Uh-huh, I like it!
Mulder: Later, right now I’m giving them a right stern talking to!
JEND OF SCENEJ
Scene 5: Int T.V. Oz
Mulder: We’re here!! We’re here!!
Scully: (VERY sarcastically) Oh joy to the joyous world of joyfulness.
Tigger: You’re very bitter. Relax.
Pooh: Try some huney.
Eyore: Try re-building your house 3 times a day.
Scully: I DON’T LIKE HONEY!!
Eyore: Well, do you have yo…
Scully: AND I DON’T NEED TO FIX MY HOUSE CONTINUOUSLY!!!
Kurt: Relax, try some of this.
Scully: I DON’T WANT ANY HASH!! (stops and smiles at Kurt)Well, if
You think it works.
(Courtney Love glares at Scully)
Krychek: Looooook……….
All: Oooooooohh, aaaaaaaaahh!
Pooh: It’s the wizard’s palace.
All: Wooooow.
Krychek: Knock on the door, Mulder.
Mulder: (childishly) No, you knock, why do I always have to do what you
say? And another thing…
Eyore: I’ll knock.
(Scully and Kurt giggle, Courtney looks
severely annoyed)
Kurt: Your head’s gone purple, Ratboy.
Krychek: Really? Lemme see!
Courtney: Gimme some of that, Kurt!
Kurt: Sorry, I gave it all to Scully. (giggles manically)
Courtney: You gave it to her?! (Courtney bitch slaps Kurt)
(Courtney lungs at Scully, this results in a
full- scale bitch fight. The others all turn
to watch and forget about the door. A
small man answers it but nobody notices)
Mulder: Go on Scully, you can take her!
Krychek: Pull her hair!! Come on, use your nails!
Ginger ‘fro boy & Elmo: Lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk…
Little door man: A TENNER ON THE BLOND!!
(everyone turns to stare at the man)
Little door man: What? You knocked on my door.
Tigger: Say mister, would you happen to be the wizard of Oz?
Little door man: Oh nononononono. He’s very busy, do you have an
appointment?
Mulder: Erm….yee-ees.
Little door man: Oh! Well then follow me.
Int T.V. Oz, Int palace
Pooh: Please mister wizard sir, we just want to go home.
Eyore: I need a new house.
Mulder: I know you, (long pause) CANCER MAN!!!
Cancer man: Please, it’s joint smoking man now.
Scully: You’re the wizard? (laughs uncontrollably for a long time)
Krychek: How much hash did you give her?
Kurt: (grins) Enough.
Cancer man: I can control you all, bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Krychek: Ookaay.
(Mulder and Krychek bitch fight, Cancer
man gives Pooh, Tigger and Eyore a map. He
explains the route home, interrupted by
various girly ‘ouches’, squeals, and shouts
from onlookers of ‘use your nails’ and ‘pull
his hair’. Pooh, Tigger and Eyore leave)
Scully: How are you doing this Canc- I mean, Joint Smoking Man?
Cancer man: Wouldn’t you like to know?
Scully: No.
Kurt: Em, yeah actually, we would!
Cancer man: Well tough. You, disappear! (Courtney Love disappears, only
to reappear 4 seconds later, ten feet away.) Oh Fudge!!
Ginger ‘fro boy & Elmo: Lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk…Take that Joint smoking
man!!!
( they throw a large T.V. at him)
Cancer man: Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!
(large explosions and expensive looking
effects similar to those at the start of this
story, seams so long ago now, dosen’t it. Ah
the memories)
JEND OF SCENEJ
Scene 6: Int Basement office, early Saturday morning
Scully: Oww, my head!
Mulder: NOW do you believe Scully?
Scully: Mulder, we fainted or something, no conspiracies, deal with it!
Kurt: Woah, that was cool, where are we?
Scully: Erm…
Ginger ‘fro boy & Elmo: Lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk…
Courtney: Some one hit them.
Scully: I’ll hit you.
(Scully and Courtney bitch fight again.
Mulder and Krychek look at each other and
then join in. Ginger ‘fro boy and Elmo sit
and laugh)
Ginger ‘fro boy & Elmo: lurk…lurk…lurk…lurk…
J THE END J
If you read this far CONGRATULATIONS!
This is only my second fan-fic and I had help on the first so be nice but I do love feedback. Thanx.
the_living_xfile@yahoo.co.uk