HAIR N' VOLKSWAGONS
WRITTEN BY: Erich Cannon
FADE IN on an old highway in Poulsbo, Washington a beat up red Volkswagon
bug drives by going 30 miles over the speed limit they drive by
a police officer.
SCULLY: Mulder, we have company
MULDER: It's OK, just get out your badge...
SCULLY: I was hoping you would...
MULDER: No... I was hoping you would because I left mine in the other car.
SCULLY: Oh, you mean the car we left behind because it broke down, but
luckily some drunk teenagers were dumb enough to give us this
beat up, drug-smelling Volkswagon?
MULDER: Yes, Scully, thank you for summing up the last 20 minutes for
our readers.
SCULLY: No problem... Anyway, I left my badge there too.
MULDER: Damn... Guess I have to stop
SCULLY: Wait... I have an idea.
CUT to the inside of the Police Car
OFFICER: Drunken Frat boys I bet!!
PARTNER: There is no college around here for miles, sir.
OFFICER: With these "Frat" boys you never can tell where the gonna POP up.
PARTNER: HEY! Hold onto the steering wheel... you don't need to make
those qoutation marks for "Frat".
OFFICER: Well you just did...
PARTNER: I was just showing you what you did before.
OFFICER: What? You think I forget what I did seconds ago??
PARNTER: Just... Just watch the road
OFFICER: Ya well, just look at all those stickers all over the back...
nin... Nirvana.... Clinton and Gore '96... I'm a proud son of
a child mollester...
CUT to the inside of the Volkswagon...
SCULLY: You got the plan?
MULDER: I got it...
Mulder quickly swerves to the side of the road, Mulder and Scully leap
out of the car yelling.
MULDER & SCULLY: BEEEEEES!!! OH THE STING!!
The Officer and Partner get out of the car and watch Mulder and Scully
running around waving thier arms yelling.
OFFICER: "Frat" boys in suits?
PARTNER: Ya... "Frat" boys in suits that look 30 years old..
OFFICER: You know I can sense sarcasm...
PARTNER: What are they yelling?
OFFICER: Sounds like "bees... oh, the sting my god one is... up my skirt".
PARTNER: (whispers): If I could be a bee...
OFFICER: What's that son?
PARTNER: Man, I have to pee...
OFFICER: Well do so... or forever hold your pee. Hehehe.
PARTNER: You know, I think I've seen somthing like this in a movie once...
OFFICER: Bees in women's skirts?
PARTNER: There's a movie like that??
OFFICER: I'm asking you...
PARTNER: OH!... No no, I meant the movie TOMMY BOY... They get chased by
cops and run out yelling about bees to fool the cops...
OFFICER: Hmmm... Think that's what they're doing?
PARTNER: I don't know...
OFFICER: Well, let's go arrest these "Fra- DEAR GOD!!!
A huge hideous lump of hair with teeth comes from the ground and engulfes
officer, Partner screams
PARTNER: HAIR!!! OH GOD, THE STING!!
Mulder and Scully stop and look.
MULDER: Dear God! It's an alien from outer space with hair!
SCULLY: I don't believe it
MULDER: Fine! Don't!
SCULLY: FINE!
MULDER: FINE!
MULDER: FI- aww forget it...
The hideous monster comes toward them and then comes toward Scully.
SCULLY: Oh my GOD!! Mulder, I BELIEVE!! I BEEEEELLIEVE!!!
She is engulfed.
Mulder paralyzed from the sentance "I believe" coming from Scully's mouth,
takes in the moment repeating it in his head.
PARTNER: Hey!! "Frat" boy!!
MULDER: What's with the quotation marks?
PARTNER: Forget it! We gotta stop it!
MULDER: The only way is to get it wet!
PARTNER: Well... umm... OK...
MULDER: WATER!!
PARTNER: RIGHT!!!
But before they can get water a big hairy UFO comes flying overhead.
MULDER: That spaceship goes against everything I believe in...
The space ship takes the hideous hair monster away.
FADE OUT
CUE STARTING
FADE IN
Mulder and Skinner talking in Skinner's office.
SKINNER: Agent Mulder that is the craziest story I have ever heard.
MULDER: It's true!!
SKINNER: You expect me to think Agent Scully actually said "I believe"?
There's no way... Now about the hair monsters... How many people
were abducted?
Suddenly CANCER MAN walks in.
CANCER MAN: You saw no hairy aliens.
He sticks a piece of gum in his mouth.
MULDER: What? You trying to quit?
CANCER MAN: Yes... It seems many are calling me "Cancer Man" and it got me
thinking.
MULDER: I thought we called you Cigarette Smoking Man...?
SKINNER: That remains a mystery, Mulder.
MULDER: Whoops, silly me, I forgot to get bitchy when you walked in.
CANCER MAN: Its ok... Begin now.
MULDER: WHERE IS SHE YOU BLACK LUNGED SON OF A BITCH!!??
CANCER MAN: She has been returned to you...
MULDER: WHAT?? Just like that? By who?
CANCER MAN: By the hairy ali- I mean the hairiest doctors I've ever seen...
Yes.. The hairy doctors took her..
MULDER: Where is she now?
CANCER MAN: She's in the mail... We sent her Express -- saved two dollars --
so you'll get her in the morning.
MULDER: OK... Sounds good... I'm outta here, you black-lunged son of a
bitch.
FADE OUT
FADE IN on Mulder in his apartment on the phone.
MULDER: What do you mean you "lost" the package???
FADE OUT