(note: This story starts slightly before the end of Sliders: Comedy Slayers, During the time when Mulder and Scully were working on the X-files, just before the end of the current season of Buffy, slightly after Susan Lucci finally got that Emmy and minutes before Latrell Sprewell gets arrested.)
This story is rated PG-14 for language, jokes about Buffy and Cordelia's boobs, violence and a scene involving a person getting smacked with a tennis racket in the jimmy!
(We start out in the offices of the X-Files. Mulder is reading some X-
files and Scully is watching TV.)
Mulder: Scully, check this out! In the last year alone there have been
56 individual X-Files that all happened in the town of Sunnydale,
California!
Scully: Mm-hmm.
Mulder: They range from demons to vampires to werewolves to hyena-men to
witches!
Scully: Mm-hmm.
Mulder: You realize we have to investigate this, don't you?
Scully: Mm-hmm.
Mulder: Well, let's go!
Scully: Mm-hmm.
Mulder: You're not even paying attention, Scully! What are you doing?
Scully: I'm watching my favorite show, Ally McBeal!
Mulder & Scully: ONLY ON FOX!
Mulder: Now that that shameless promotion is done, can we leave?
Scully: Sure.
(They leave. Meanwhile, One floor above, Cancer Man and his trusty side-
kick Krycek are listening in!)
Cancer Man: Dammit, man! Shut up! You'll give us away!
(Sorry.)
Cancer Man: Don't be sorry, just shut up!
(Sorry!)
Cancer Man: Argh. Krycek! What are they doing now?
Krycek: (With his ear to the floor) I think they're leaving for that
Sunnydale place. Remind me again why we don't have bugging
equipment!
Cancer Man: Because they'd find them eventually! Anything else?
Krycek: (Still with his ear to the ground) I think a roach crawled into
my ear!
Cancer Man: C'mon! Let's go!
(Krycek slaps his head and a roach flies out of his ear. Cancer Man
sighs and they leave. They pass Mulder and Scully in the hallway.)
Mulder: Hi, Cancer Man.
Scully: Hi, Krycek.
Cancer Man: Hi, Mulder.
Krycek: Hi, Scully.
(Mulder and Scully get in their car and leave. Cancer Man and Krycek
then get in their car and follow.)
Narrator: And so, Mulder and Scully start to drive cross country....
(Scully takes a picture of Mulder in front of the World's Largest Ball
of Twine)
(Mulder takes a picture of Scully in front of a sign that reads "Mount
Butte")
(Scully takes a picture with Mulder and some yokels)
Yokel #1: You got a purty mouth!
Yokel #2: Wanna see me play the banjo?
(Mulder shudders)
Narrator: And Mulder and Scully continued to drive cross country with
Cancer Man and Krycek in hot pursuit!
(Scully turns on the radio.)
Scully: (Singing along with the radio) HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!
Mulder: Yuck! (Changes the station) LIVING MI VIDA LOCA!
Scully: Yuck! (Changes the station) CAN I GET A WOOP WOOP?
(Mulder and Scully fight over the radio station until it ends up on an
Oldies station. Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear the Reaper" is playing.)
Scully: You can change it now.
Mulder: You can change it!
Scully: I'm fine with it.
Mulder: Then I'm fine with it.
(Minutes pass.)
Mulder: SEASONS DON'T FEAR THE REAPER....
Scully: NOR DO THE WIND, THE SUN OR THE RAIN...
Mulder: COME ON, BABY! DON'T FEAR THE REAPER...
Scully: COME AND TAKE MY HAND....
Mulder: COME ON, BABY!...
Mulder & Scully: DON'T FEAR THE REAPER!!!
Narrator: And so, Mulder and Scully finally reached California....
(Mulder and Scully are driving. That "da da da" song is playing. They
see Lance Henrickson on the side of the road. They pick him up. They
continue to drive. Mulder and Scully then smell something. They then
leave Lance Henricksen on the side of the road.)
Mulder: Are we there yet?
Scully: No.
Mulder: Are we there yet?
Scully: No.
Mulder: Are we there yet?
Scully: No.
Mulder: Are we there yet?
Scully: No.
Mulder: Are we there yet?
Scully: NO!
Mulder: Jeez. Relax, would you?
(Mulder and Scully finally reach Sunnydale, CA at nighttime....The sign
has a rotating counter that reads "124,234 slain!")
Mulder: This has got to be the most dangerous place on earth!
Scully: More dangerous than New Jersey?
(Mulder pauses.)
Mulder: No. Nothing's more dangerous than Jersey.
Scully: When do you think we'll see any of the 'creatures' the files
talk about?
Mulder: Maybe...
(A vampire runs in front of the car. Scully, being the fantastic driver
she is, hits it and runs it down, not even noticing.)
Scully: Weird speed bumps in this town!
Mulder: Yep.
(Mulder and Scully pulls in front of Sunnydale High School. A demon runs
up to the car. Mulder opens the door, sending the door handle into the
Demon's crotch.)
Demon: OWWWWWWWWW!
Mulder: (Getting out) Watch the door.
(Scully tosses the keys to the Demon.)
Scully: There's an extra 20 bucks in it for you if you park it close by!
(Mulder and Scully walk up the campus. An invisible person strides up to
them and is about to beat them with a baseball bat. Scully trips and
spills her hot coffee all over the invisible person, who drops the bat
on it's toes.)
Invisible person: AHHH!
Mulder: You hear something?
Scully: No.
(Mulder and Scully walk on, Mulder accidentally nudging the invisible
person. Causing it to trip over the baseball bat and knock itself out by
hitting the ground.)
Mulder: Hey! You're out of coffee.
Scully: Dammit. I hate this place, already.
(Mulder and Scully barge into the main hall. The doors swing open into
two vampire's faces. Mulder and Scully continue on until they hear
talking. They track the noise to the Library.)
Mulder: (With his ear to the door) What do you hear?
Scully: Sounds like some kids.
Mulder: Kids? In a library? This isn't right!
Scully: Agreed. It's too weird. You know what we have to do....
Mulder: Yep.
(Mulder and Scully pull out their guns...They kick open the doors and
storm in....)
Mulder: Fox Mulder!
Scully: Dana Scully!
Mulder & Scully: FBI!
(Buffy and the gang look at the intruders.)
Buffy: Shit.
================================
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================================
(We come back just as Buffy and the gang have introduced themselves to
Mulder and Scully as well as re-cap "Sliders: Comedy Slayers". Mulder
has believed every word they said. Scully however.....)
Scully: (While twitching violently) Bullshit overload...must deny
everything...going to go insane...speaking in fragments...too
much...bullshit!
Mulder: My god! We just BARELY missed another Sliders/X-files crossover.
That was a close one!
(Everyone sighs)
Mulder: But while we're here! EXPLAIN THESE X-FILES!
Buffy: What's an X-file?
Mulder: A case that involves the unexplained!
Oz: Then how do you expect us to explain it?
Mulder: Zip it, kid!
Oz: But you just asked us t--
Mulder: Ziiiiiiip it!
Oz: Come on...this is--
Mulder: When a problem comes along, you must ZIP IT!
Giles: Now, now! Enough of this childish--
Mulder: Whack! ZIP IT GOOD! Don't make me slap you like I slap around
Krycek!
Oz: Who's Krycek?
Mulder: A nemesis of mine. I beat him almost regularly.
Scully: Mulder--
Mulder: Como esta ZIP IT!
(And so the quasi-conversation continues. Meanwhile, Cancer Man and
Krycek drive in town. Krycek is driving and Cancer Man is in the
passenger seat. They are both quiet until Krycek puts in a CD. Queen's
"Another One Bites The Dust" starts to play. Krycek starts smiling and
waving at passerby and honking at other cars. Cancer Man rubs his
forehead. They pull up in front of a drive-thru of a new fast food
chain)
Krycek: Want anything?
Cancer Man: A gun.
Krycek: Hi! I want a Neo-Burger. A side of Trinity fries and a
milkshake.
Keanu the Drive-thru Dude: How do you want that shake? Morpheus or Agent
Smith?
Krycek: Morpheus.
Keanu the Drive-thru Dude: Anything else?
Krycek: A gun.
Keanu the Drive-thru Dude: That'll be a Neo-Burger, Trinity fries, a
Morpheus Shake and a gun. $18.22 is your total. Thank you drive
through!
(Krycek pulls up to the counter and pays the man.)
Keanu the Drive-thru Dude: Thank you for coming to Matrix Burger. Where
you cannot expain what the food is. You must taste it for
yourself.
(Krycek and Cancer Man are driving around when they see a vampire
slaying going on.)
Krycek: Is that her?
Cancer Man: I don't know. The photos of the girl in all the files aren't
very well done.
Krycek: Yeah. I have an idea!
Cancer Man: Oh no.
Krycek: HEY! VAMPIRE SLAYER! ARE YOU BUFFY?
Cancer Man: Idiot.
Blade: DO I LOOK LIKE A 'BUFFY' MOTHERFUCKER? YOU WANT THE CHICK THREE
BLOCKS DOWN! NOW GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I BEAT YOUR PUNK-ASS!
(Krycek rolls up the window, locks the door and speeds off. Cancer Man
begins to laugh. They see another vampire slaying.)
Krycek: EXCUSE ME, MISS! ARE YOU BUFFY: VAMPIRE SLAYER?
Faith: No. I'm Faith: Whacked-out and kinda skanky vampire slayer! Why
are you folks looking for her?
Cancer Man: I head up a worldwide conspiracy and perhaps if I can
corrupt her or kill her, there will be no one to stop all the
creatures she slays and they'll run amok, causing X-files
everywhere! This will cause Mulder to be working forever and keep
him out of my way and this will also forever annoy Scully! HA HA!
Krycek: And I'm the henchman with one arm. I might get to shoot someone!
Faith: Cool. Need help? My boss might be just the guy you need to help
you screw with Buffy!
Cancer Man: But aren't YOU a slayer also? Why would you turn to evil
also?
Faith: Because I'm crazy and slightly skanky. I'm the evil slayer!
Cancer Man: Then why were you killing these vampires instead of working
with them?
Faith: Because last night, they didn't tape my favorite show: Ally
McBeal!
Cancer Man & Krycek: ONLY ON FOX!
Cancer Man: Alright. Let's go.
(Faith hops in and they leave. Meanwhile at the library...)
Mulder: X-File #2.534: The snake woman!
Buffy: Killed it.
Mulder: X-File #3.298: The Hyena people!
Buffy: Killed it.
Mulder: X-File #1.925: The chupacabra!
Buffy: Killed it.
Scully: Wait. I thought it was us that killed that one!
Mulder: Whatever. X-File #4.191: John Ritter!
Buffy: Killed him.
Mulder: You killed John Ritter?
Buffy: Why not? His career died years before!
(Rim shot)
Scully: Mulder! Is there anything here I can do or what?
Mulder: Sure. Interview the rest of the group.
(Scully looks a the group. They smile. Scully shudders.)
----
Scully: And you would be the adult supervision of the group?
Giles: Yes. I am Buffy's 'Watcher'.
Scully: JESUS! SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN! YOUR ASS IS GOING TO JAIL, BUDDY!
Giles: No! A slayer's watcher provides her with weapons, information and
training!
Scully: Oh. Okay. Wait! Isn't the whole 'watcher' thing done on
Highlander: the Series?
Giles: Yes, but who's going to know? Nobody watches Highlander!
(Giles and Scully laugh)
----
Scully: And you are....?
Xander: Xander. I'm one of Buffy's friends.
Scully: What do you do?
Xander: I......help out.
Scully: Could you be more specific?
Xander: I do random things for the group! Listening, helping slayings,
research...
Scully: You're the comic relief, aren't you?
Xander: (Quietly) Yes.
Scully: Get me some donuts wouldja?
Xander: Yes, ma'am.
----
Scully: Hello. What's your name?
Cordelia: Cordelia.
Scully: What do you do?
Cordelia: What do you mean?
Scully: What's your role in this group?
Cordelia: Who says I need a role? What's your deal? Need to classify
everything? Get a grip, Judge Judy!
Scully: (While writing on notepad) Cordelia: The bitchy one.
Cordelia: Is is hot in here?
(Cordelia removes her coat revealing a very low cut dress)
Scully: Oh. Now I know your role!
(Scully writes on the notepad 'bimbo')
----
Scully: And what's your name?
Oz: Oz.
Scully: What do you do?
Oz: I play in a band. I date Willow.
Scully: Mm-hmm. And what else?
Oz: I'm a werewolf.
(Scully is silent.)
Oz: Miss?
Scully:(Doing that twitching thing again) NEXT!
----
Scully: Willow. How would you describe yourself?
Willow: Well, I'm shy, demure, good with computers, incredibly smart and
I'm a practicing witch.
Scully: My god. With the exception of the witch thing. YOU'RE A YOUNG
VERSION OF ME! C'MERE!
(Willow and Scully hug)
Willow: Well, there is one difference between me and you.
Scully: What's that?
Willow: I have a boyfriend.
Scully: Why you little...
(Scully starts strangling Willow. The others break them up.)
----
Mulder: So what do you think, Scully?
Scully: I'd probably look better as a brunette.
Mulder: No! I meant about Buffy and her friends!
Scully: Oh. Never mind.
(A long pause)
Mulder: Well?
Scully: What?
Mulder: What do you think about Buffy and her friends?
Scully: All of them?
Mulder: Yes.
Scully: You really want to know my opinion?
Mulder: Yes.
Scully: They're nuts. They're all fucking nuts.
Mulder: That's your opinion?
Scully: Yep.
Mulder: (To Xander) Pay up, kid!
(Xander hands Mulder twenty bucks.)
Scully: Why you little...
(Scully starts strangling Mulder. The others break it up. Meanwhile at
City Hall....)
Riddler: Once we've strapped the commissioner to the Rubik's Cube of
Death...Batman is sure to fall prey to our trap!
(I meant the City Hall in Sunnydale. Not Gotham!)
Jesse Glaspey: Sorry.
(Putz.)
Faith: Okay, Here's my boss' office! (Faith opens the door to the
Mayor's office) BOSS! New evil people in town!
Mayor: Well, gee! Come on in! Take a load off! Make yourselves at home!
(Krycek is about to take off his pants when Cancer Man slaps him across
the head.)
Mayor: (To Cancer Man) Haven't we met before?
Cancer Man: I think so. Evil Megalomaniacs Convention '83?
Mayor: Yeah! Remember when Doctor Doom tied Shao Kahn's shoelaces
together and he fell face first into the concession stand?
Cancer Man: That was great. Or remember when Darth Maul got pied in the
face by the Joker?
Mayor: Pure hilarity. So what are you doing in Sunnydale?
Cancer Man: We're either going to corrupt or kill that Buffy girl and
maybe two annoying FBI agents while I'm at it. And you?
Mayor: Well, I'm on the verge of Acension. I'm going to become a serpent
demon and annihilate the world. Normal stuff.
Cancer Man: Hey, everyone's got goals.
Mayor: About the Buffy thing, where do we start?
Cancer Man: I don't know. How about we send our flunkies to kill them?
Mayor: Okay! Sounds great!
(Cancer Man and The Mayor begin to laugh loudly. Krycek and Faith also
begin to laugh. But that's because they're looking at a nudie pictures
in National Geographic. Idiots.)
================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
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=================================
(We return as Mulder and Scully are having coffee with Joyce Summers.
Why are Mulder and Scully at the Summers residence? I don't know. It's
the only convienent way to get Mulder, Scully and Buffy in the same
place when Krycek and Faith attack!)
Joyce: So the FBI actually has a department for all the kinds of things
in Sunnydale?
Mulder: Yeah. Vampires. Ghosts. Werewolves. Aliens. All that in our
quest to prove the existence of extra terrestrials and stop the
grand conspiracy.
Joyce: Sunnydale doesn't have aliens.
(Mulder is quiet)
Mulder: No aliens?
Joyce: Nope.
Mulder: What kind of backwoods town is this? Vampires, Ghosts, Demons
and Werewolves you have but no Aliens?
Joyce: No, sorry? And how about you, Scully? Are you upset that this
town has no aliens?
Scully: No. I think everyone in this town is fucking nuts. You're all
fucking looney.
Buffy: Mulder! Come look at my room! I have some more proof for your
X-files!
Mulder: Okay. I'll be right up.
Scully: Me too.
Mulder: Why are you coming, Scully?
Scully: If you think I'm letting you go to a eighteen year old's bedroom
alone, you're out of your mind!
(Mulder and Scully enter Buffy's room. Mulder and Scully then shriek at
the horror they see as they enter. No, they don't see trophies from the
past 3 years Buffy has been slaying. But instead they shriek at the
sight of N'Sync, Backstreet Boys, Ricky Martin and Leonardo DiCaprio
posters)
Buffy: What?
Mulder: Nothing. Where's the stuff?
Buffy: The "stuff"?
Mulder: The goods!
Buffy: The "goods"?
Mulder: Show me your thingies!
Scully: This is quickly becoming "Joey Buttafuoco: The Early Years"
(Meanwhile, outside! Krycek and Faith are putting on ski masks and
arming themselves.)
Krycek: Okay. Here's the plan: We barge into Buffy's room and we kill
Mulder, Scully and Buffy. Got it?"
Faith: Of course, I know! It was my plan!
Krycek: Oh yeah! Let's go!
(Krycek and Faith hurry off)
Scully: I'm going to the restroom. I'll be right back.
Mulder: My GOD! SHE HAS JOHN RITTER'S SKULL!
Scully: Whatever. Try not to cause any havoc while I'm gone.
(Scully goes to the restroom just as Krycek and Faith barge in through
the window.)
Buffy: Holy shit!
Mulder: BY THE FLAMING MOONS OF ALPHA CENTAURI!
(Everyone stops and stares at Mulder)
Mulder: I mean, what gives?
(Krycek swings at Buffy. She easily ducks and counters with a kick to
Krycek's face. He swings at her again, she yanks his prosthetic arm off
and starts to smash it over his head. Meanwhile, Faith brings out a pair
of knives and starts swinging them around to look intimidating. Mulder
brings out his gun and fires at Faith. But since this IS Mulder we're
talking about, he misses and shoots the leg of a table, causing it to
fall over onto her feet. Faith hops around in pain and accidentally
falls out the window she came in. Krycek is trying to block Buffy
beating him to death with his own arm until he finally slaps it out of
Buffy's hands. so she grabs the closest thing near her: A Tennis Racket.
Buffy swings it at Krycek's head causing him to flinch, Buffy then fakes
him out and whacks him in the jimmy!)
Krycek: OWWWWW!
(Krycek backs up to the bedroom door. When suddenly, Angel and Joyce
Summers barge in. The door whacks Krycek in the back of his head sending
him forward and he accidentally falls out the window he came in.)
Angel: Buffy! Are you all right?
Buffy: Yes. Thank you!
(Angel and Buffy hug.)
Joyce: What the hell was that? I leave two FBI agents with my daughter
and all of a sudden this house turns into a warzone!
Mulder: It wasn't me! It was the one armed man!
Joyce: (Numerous expletives are yelled that are unprintable by even my
standards!)
(Scully walks into the half destroyed room to see Angel and Buffy
hugging and Joyce yelling at Mulder)
Scully: I'm gone for ten minutes and hell breaks loose. Typical. I'm
going to get some hooch. And who the hell are you?
Angel: I'm Angel. Buffy's on-again, off-again boyfriend...
Buffy: Who's also a vampire cursed with a soul...
Angel: Who lost it while having sex with Buffy...
Buffy: And regained it only to be sent to hell...
Angel: Only to return and continue the on-again, off-again relation
ship!
(Scully does that twitching thing again)
Mulder: We need to find out who our attackers are and who sent them!
Buffy: Yeah. I need to know out of my few remaining living villainous
cast would try to kill me!
Mulder: And I need to know how many one armed men want me dead!
Scully: BAH! Let's go before I toss cookies.
(Mulder, Scully, Buffy and Angel leave and go back to the library to
research who is behind the nefarious schemes. Willow is on the computer.
Everyone else is huddled around her.)
Mulder: So what website is this?
Willow: We're at alt.nerd.obsessive.net! The place to find out all
conspiracies and plans.
Mulder: Who are you talking to?
Willow: Just look at the screen. I'm "Sidekick-girl".
Oz: And who's the guy you're talking to?
Willow: He's "LoneGunman1"
(We now present the transcript of their conversation)
{Sidekick-girl} What do you know about a conspiracy in Sunnydale?
{LoneGunman1} Where is Sunnydale?
{Sidekick-girl} California.
{LoneGunman1} What do you want to know?
{Sidekick-girl} What makes Sunnydale conspiracy worthy?
{LoneGunman1} Sources say that a government official in Sunnydale has
ties to an underground head of a worldwide conspiracy.
{Sidekick-girl} A government official? Like a Mayor?
{LoneGunman1} WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD? WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?
{Sidekick-girl} No one. I'm just trying to find out who's trying to kill
my friends!
{LoneGunman1} DON'T DRAG ME INTO THIS!
{LoneGunman2} Any 18 year old blondes wanna chat. I'm a hunk!
{Sidekick-girl} What?
{LoneGunman1} What the hell are you doing, Langly?
{LoneGunman2} Nothing. Just trying to get my hook-up.
{LoneGunman1} Well, stop it! I'm busy with a lead on a conspiracy here!
{Sidekick-girl} Excuse me? Can I get some answers?
{LoneGunman2} Are you female?
{Sidekick-girl} What?
{LoneGunman1} LANGLY! Stop that! You're giving us a bad name!
{LoneGunman2} Bite me. You know I have the better Kung-Fu.
{LoneGunman3} Langly! Byers! Would the two of you jagoffs stop screwing
around in here! That Sam Raimi marathon is about to start!
{LoneGunman1} Okay.
{LoneGunman2} Fine.
{Sidekick-girl} I still need help trying to figure out who wants me and
my friends dead!
{LoneGunman1} Sorry, can't help. Too risky.
{LoneGunman2} I heard nothing.
{LoneGunman3} I saw nothing.
{Fox-Mulder} You dorks will BE nothing if you don't start spilling the
beans!
{LoneGunman2} Is Scully there?
{Fox-Mulder} ARGH!
{LoneGunman3} Mulder, why did you type your scream?
{Sidekick-girl} I'm so lost!
{JesseGlaspey} Join the club!
(We now return to the normal parody. We join it in progress at City Hall
as Krycek and Faith are being talked to by their superiors.)
Cancer Man: (To Krycek) YOU LITTLE SHIT! HOW COULD YOU BE SO
INCOMPETENT? I SHOULD HAVE LEFT YOU WHERE I FOUND YOU: HOMELESS
AND DRUNK IN ALASKA!
Krycek: What?
Cancer Man: SHUSH!
Mayor: (To Faith) Hey, cheer up. So you didn't get Buffy or The FBI duo.
Don't worry! You'll get another chance! It isn't your fault.
Mulder cheated and used a gun. Just count your blessings that he's
a bad shot! You'll do the job right! I know you can! I believe in
you. Now let's have a hug!
(Faith and the Mayor hug.)
Krycek: (To Cancer Man) Okay, I'm noticing a big difference in the way
assistant/boss relations are being done here!
Cancer Man: SHUSH!
(Krycek starts crying)
Mayor: So, I'm thinking our two fine assistants may need a little help
from us.
Cancer Man: You know who we should call?
Mayor: I think so...Do you know how to get a hold of him?
Cancer Man: Usually we don't look for him. He looks for us.
(The doors burst open. Everyone gasps as he sets foot in the room.)
Krycek: THE BOUNTY HUNTER!
Faith: THE JUDGE!
Cancer Man & The Mayor: No. It's BRIAN THOMPSON: EVIL CHARACTER ACTOR!
Brian Thompson: Hi. I'm Brian Thompson: Character Actor stereotypically
cast as a bad guy. Aren't you impressed?
(Faith and Krycek scream in horror)
================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Jesse Glaspey: Hi. I'm Jesse Glaspey. You might remember me as the
writer of such sci-fi parodies as "Sell Out", "What The Hell?" And
"Sliders: Comedy Slayers"! But today I'm here on a serious note.
There's a plague out there that is ruining our culture. A plague
that is warping our children's minds and slashing the morals of
society like Cujo in a box full of kittens. And that plague....is
Jar Jar Binks. That's why we're tackling this problem. Who is 'we'
you ask? That would be the People I Should Slay Dead. P.I.S.S.D.!
Now we believe America is a democracy that's why we're giving
people a chance to vote on how I'm going to kill Jar Jar Binks!
We've got him strapped to a table and depending on the 1-900
number you call, YOU will decide his gruesome fate.
Jar Jar: Helpa meesa! Heesa gonna kill meesa!
Jesse Glaspey: Ha. You bet, Jar Jar. You're going to hell. AND THE
READERS WILL DECIDE HOW! If you want him to be disemboweled by a
rusted edge of a tinfoil dispenser call 1-900-SLASHEM!
If you want him to be covered in raw beef and cage him in a room
with a pitbull high on angel dust and pcp call 1-900-PIT-BULL!
Those numbers again are... Disemboweled by a rusted edge of a
tinfoil dispenser: 1-900-SLASHEM! Covered in raw beef and caged
with a pitbull high on drugs call 1-900-PIT-BULL! We'll have
updates and the results throughout the parody. Now back to the
story, And remember to call! Ha ha!
Jar Jar: Helpa meesa!
Jesse: Screaming will only make it worse, pal! Enjoy the parody, folks!
==============================
(We pick up as the gang is in the library STILL trying to figure out
who's trying to kill them.)
Mulder: Of all the villains in my rogues gallery who would be nefarious
enough to attack me here in Sunnydale?
Giles: Perhaps a look at the clues would help the situation.
Mulder: We're FBI. We don't do 'clues'!
Scully: What's a 'clue'?
Mulder: You know when you do all that autopsy stuff?
Scully: Yes.
Mulder: That usually leads to 'clues'.
Scully: I thought it was just for fun!
Mulder: I know it's tough to believe.
Xander: Excuse me, Laurel and Hardy? Can we just get back to work?
Scully: So what are the clues?
Giles: A very large knife, and a prosthetic arm.
Willow: What does the knife look like?
Scully: It's shiny, sharp and has the word "Faith" enscribed on it.
Buffy: So whoever we're facing is obviously a religous person!
Scully: Yep. We should check the churches later.
Cordelia: What about the arm?
Giles: It has a label that says "Property of Krycek"
Mulder: Quick, Willow! Look up "Krycek" on the internet. I think they
make prosthetic limbs.
Oz: What? Are you all stupid or something? Faith is your enemy, Buffy!
And you mentioned Krycek earlier, Mulder! You're enemies have
TEAMED UP!
Buffy: Oz?
Oz: What?
Mulder: Zip it!
Scully: Enemies of ours teaming up. How preposterous is that?
Mulder: Yeah.
Buffy: Shyeah, totally.
(Every one is quiet)
Mulder, Scully, Buffy and Giles: Shit.
(The doors are kicked open and Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor
walks in with Krycek and Faith.)
Buffy: THE BOUNTY HUNTER!
Mulder: THE JUDGE!
(Mulder and Buffy look at one another, get out their scripts, look at
them and exchange them with one another.)
Mulder: THE BOUNTY HUNTER!
Buffy: THE JUDGE!
Xander: And look! Faith!
Scully: And Krycek!
Mulder: Krycek, you son of a bitch!
Oz: Told you it was them!
Mulder: SHH!
(Mulder knocks out Krycek with one punch and Buffy knocks out Faith with
one kick making this the quickest fight scene in parody history! The
entire group is now standing in front of Brian Thompson: Evil Character
Actor. He is looking intimidating. This is his only acting skill.)
Giles: Now what?
Mulder: GET HIM!
(Giles, Mulder, Angel, Oz and Xander rush Brian Thompson: Evil Character
Actor. He starts to kick it like Shao Kahn and he knocks out Giles,
swats away Oz, Mulder and Angel and starts tossing around Xander like a
rag doll.)
Xander: Jesse! That IS a rag doll he's throwing around!
(Really? Why?)
Xander: They couldn't afford stunt doubles for everyone on Buffy:
Vampire
Slayer! So they use a rag doll for some of us.
(Oh. Those cheap ass pieces of crap. Anyways...Mulder orders the group
to rush Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor AGAIN. The same thing
happens.)
Angel: Ow. Boy...that was really STUPID!
Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor: You will all die. I will kill you
all.
Mulder: Okay. Rushing him didn't work. Plan B!
Giles: What is plan B?
Mulder: Hit him with inanimate objects!
(Mulder hits Brian Thompson with a alarm clock. Oz hits him with a
electric fan. Giles hits him with the snow shovel from "Sliders: Comedy
Slayers". Xander hits him with a VCR. Angel hits him with a desk. NONE
OF THIS AFFECTS HIM!)
Buffy: Shouldn't WE be doing anything? I AM the slayer!
Scully: And last time I checked, I kicked the Bounty Hunter's ass!
Buffy: Yeah! LET'S GET HIM, GIRLS!
Cordelia: Pass.
Willow: I'm a lover, not a fighter.
(Buffy kicks Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor repeatedly in the
face. While Scully grabs that needle thing out of his pocket and jams
it in the back of his neck. Once again: NOTHING!)
Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor: You are just delaying the
inevitable. Now I will kill you all. (A phone rings) Hold on. My
cell phone is ringing.
Buffy: Sure.
Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor: Yes? This is Brian Thompson: Evil
Character Actor!
Mayor: Hi! Hope I'm not disturbing you!
Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor: No problem. What is it?
Mayor: I was just hoping you could bring Buffy and Mulder to us. I'm in
the mood for a sacrifice and they'd make perfect offerings.
Cancer Man: And pick me up some Marlboros and a bucket of KFC!
Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor: Okay. What about Faith and Krycek?
Mayor: Please bring them back. I don't know about Krycek but Faith has
always been a go-getter!
Cancer Man: Yeah, bring back Krycek. Flunkies are so hard to find.
BEEP!
Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor: Hold on. I've got call waiting.
Hello?
Phone Person: Did you know calling 1-800-collect will save you a lot of
money.
Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor: Call me again and I'll kill you.
Phone Person: Okay then, bu-bye!
Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor: Sorry about that. I'll be right
there soon.
(As all the guys are laid out on the floor. Buffy and Scully rush Brian
Thompson, trip over their high heels and knock themselves out on the
ground.
Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor picks them, Faith and Krycek up and
walks out of the room. Quite an Impressive feat considering he's
carrying four people.)
Krycek: (still dazed) B-bring the hot chick...
(Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor turns around and grabs Cordelia
and starts carrying her also while she's kicking and screaming.)
Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor: Bring prisoners to masters. Pick
up cigarettes and KFC.
Buffy: (Still dazed. Not much of a change if you ask me) Can we get ice
cream?
Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor: Bring prisoners to masters. Pick
up cigarettes and KFC. Get ice cream.
Scully: (Still dazed) Strawberry?
Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor: Bring prisoners to masters. Pick
up cigarettes and KFC. Get strawberry ice cream.
(Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor leaves with Buffy, Scully,
Cordelia, Faith and Krycek. Mulder and the gang wake up.)
Mulder: Ooh, Felicity! We've got to get our clothes on before your
boyfriend catches us!
(Mulder opens his eyes. He looks around to see everyone staring at him.)
Mulder: WHAT? WHAT?
Everyone: Nothing. Nothing!
Angel: Brian Thompson mopped the floors with us! And they took Buffy,
Cordelia and your partner who can't deal with the supernatural.
Mulder: Scully.
Angel: Gezhundeit.
Giles: We must find Buffy, Cordelia and Agent Scully! Whoever is behind
all this must have taken them for a reason! Perhaps a sacrifice.
Willow: Well, we know wherever Faith goes The Mayor is usually
manipulating her!
Oz: So who's manipulating that Krycek guy?
Mulder: Hmm....who could manipulate Krycek....?
Giles: The Devil?
Angel: Bill Clinton?
Oz: Bill Gates?
Willow: Michael Jackson?
Xander: Big Bird?
Mulder: Worse....CANCER MAN!
Everyone else: WHO?
Mulder: My nemesis and one of the key players in a grand worldwide
conspiracy to hide the existence of aliens from the public!
Everywhere me and Scully go, he is there to try and destroy all
the evidence we find and/or kill us.
Xander: And you haven't killed him?
Mulder: No.
Xander: Why?
(Mulder is very silent)
Mulder: I never thought about it like that.
Willow: And what about Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor? He beat you
all!
Giles: Well, there is an age old law for the supernatural. An evil
character actor can only be beaten by a good character actor!
Mulder: Is that true or made up?
Giles: Yes.
Mulder: What?
Giles: Anyways, all we have to do is counter Brian Thompson: Evil
Character
Actor with a good character actor.
Xander: And how do we do that?
Giles: Me and Willow can cast the spell. But we need one major
ingredient.
Angel: What's that?
Giles: The hairs of a mediocre actor.
(Willow yanks some hairs out of Mulder's head.)
Mulder: Ow!
Giles: Thank you. Now all we need to do is find where Buffy and them are
being held.
Oz: Hmm. Where would the Mayor hide? Hmm. Perhaps....CITY HALL?
Mulder: Oz?
Oz: I know...zip it.
Mulder: You must be a psychic werewolf.
(Willow pulls more hairs from Mulder's head)
Mulder: OW! Don't you have enough hairs?
Willow: Yeah. But that was for 'Playing God'.
================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Jesse Glaspey: Hi! We're back and you're still voting for how P.I.S.S.D.
is going to kill Jar Jar Binks. And here to help me present the
current standings is star of such movies like "Anaconda",
"Beastmaster 2" and "Sensations" and star of such TV shows like
"Remote Control", "Swamp Thing" and "Sliders"...KARI WUHRER! Give
her a hand, folks!
(Applause)
Kari Wuhrer: Hi, Jesse! Where were you this morning?
Jesse: Um. I was...At work. Yeah, that's the ticket! Anyways, what are
the current standings?
Kari Wuhrer: Well, Jesse. So far the 50% of the people have voted to
cover Jar Jar in raw meat and sic a coked up pitbull and 50% of
the people have voted to see him disemboweled with a rusted edge
of a tin foil dispenser!
Jesse: So far it's a tie! Only YOU can change that folks! Keep on
voting!
Kari: Last night was wonderful.
Jesse: I know.
Jar Jar: HELPA MEESA!
(Kari bitch slaps Jar Jar)
================================
(Buffy, Scully and Cordelia are tied to chairs. Faith, Krycek and Brian
Thompson: Evil Character Actor are getting chewed out by Cancer Man.)
Cancer Man: I SAID BRING BUFFY AND MULDER! DOES SCULLY LOOK LIKE MULDER?
Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor: I don't know. All humans look the
same to me.
Cordelia: Can someone loosen these ropes? My boobs are chafing.
Krycek: You call that human?
Mayor: Aw, c'mon! It doesn't have to be Mulder. The sacrifice will be
fine with the women we have.
Buffy: Oh, man. When I get out of here, you guys are soooo dead! I am
going to take my high heels and stick them sideways up your--
(Faith shoves an ice cream cone in Buffy's mouth)
Scully: What do you have to gain through this sacrifice, Cancer Man?
Cancer Man: Nothing. I just like the atmosphere.
Krycek: I wanna pony!
Scully: You'll never get away with this, Mulder will save me like he
does everytime I get kidnapped and tied up and threatened with
death.
Cordelia: I gotta go to the bathroom.
Faith: I gotta go too.
Mayor: Then go and take the hottie with you.
(Faith drags Cordelia off to the ladie's room. As they walk down the
hallway, Angel and Xander jump out, knock out Faith, grab them both and
drag them into a restroom. Mulder, Oz, Willow and Giles are also there.)
Cordelia: Thank god you guys came!
Mulder: This is all part of my brilliant plan. While Giles and Willow
cast the spell to bring a good character actor, Xander and Angel
will switch outfits with you and Faith so they can sneak in
effectively! Then me and Oz will barge in and catch them by
surprise. Now remove those clothes!
Giles: This is quickly becoming a Showtime movie.
(For some reason, Faith, Cordelia, Angel and Xander agree to switch
clothes. They leave Faith tied up in a bathroom stall. Angel is now
dressed like Faith with a bad wig while Xander is dressed like Cordelia
with a bad wig and with balloons in his shirt.)
Xander: If this works, they're dumber than I thought.
Angel: Whatever.
(Angel ties Xander up and drags him into the office where Scully and
Buffy are tied up. Krycek is playing Nintendo with Brian Thompson: Evil
Character Actor and The Mayor and Cancer Man are leaning back.)
Cancer Man: Took you two long enough.
Angel: Sorry. It's that time of the month.
Mayor: Faith? Did you change your hair?
Angel: Um, yeah!
Mayor: You look nice.
Angel: Thanks.
Krycek: (To Xander) So, Cordelia, is it? Are you registered with the
NRA, because that body is a lethal weapon!
Xander: I'm gonna be sick.
Krycek: Mm-mm baby...I wanna pour milk all over you and make you a part
of my complete breakfast.
Scully: Oh, Jesus. I dissect corpses and I'm getting nausous. THAT'S A
MAN, BABY!
Buffy: (Still with and ice cream cone in her mouth) Mmmmph mmph mmm mhhh
mpph!
(Mulder and Oz are standing outside the door)
Mulder: Okay, We barge in and aim for Cancer Man.
Oz: Aim with what?
Mulder: Your gun.
Oz: What gun?
Mulder: Oh for gods sakes. Here take this!
(Mulder hands Oz a slingshot.)
Oz: A slingshot? What a wuss.
Mulder: Okay. Hopefully, the good character actor will come in before
Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor gets to us. Now on the count
of three we go in. One...Two...FOUR!
Oz: What happened to three?
Mulder: Just kidding! GO!
(Mulder and Oz barge into the room)
Mulder: FREEZE! FBI!
Cancer Man: Get him!
Mulder: Not so fast! Girls?
(Angel and Xander pull off their wigs and remove their balloons. The
theme from 'The Crying Game' plays. Krycek, Cancer Man, The Mayor and
Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor all vomit)
Krycek: Why you devious bastards!
(Krycek rushes Xander. Oz shoots the slingshot and it smacks Krycek in
the jimmy, he falls out the window lands on the street, gets run over by
a steamroller and a marching band and a small child kicks him.)
Small child: Ha ha!
Cancer Man: That's a shame. My father died the same way. I guess if you
want anything done. you've got to do it yourself.
(Cancer Man pulls out a gun. Buffy spits out the ice cream cone, the
cone impales Cancer Man's hand and he drops the gun.)
Angel: Buffy, you've got some cream on your face.
Xander: Bet that's not the first time you've said that!
(Xander, Mulder and Oz start laughing)
Mayor: Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor, GET THEM!
Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor: Okay.
(Meanwhile...In the restroom. Giles and Willow are casting the spell.
They're standing over a toilet bowl)
Willow: Do we have to use this?
Giles: I forgot the cauldron. Deal with it. Add the ingredients.
Willow: Hair of mediocre actor! Testicle of frog! Eye of Schumacher!
Brain of valley girl!
Giles: Now say the words.
Willow: KLAATU! VERADA! N(starts coughing)!
Giles: Were those the words?
Willow: Well, basically. Not every single little syllable. But
basically. Yeah. I got it.
(Meanwhile...in the office. Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor is
whipping everyone's ass again. All of a sudden, the doors burst open and
BRUCE CAMPBELL: GOOD CHARACTER ACTOR walks in)
Bruce Campbell: Good Character Actor: Yo! She-Bitch! Let's go!
(Brian Thompson: Evil Character Actor rushes Bruce Campbell: Good
Character Actor, Bruce Campbell beats the shit out of him, takes his
wallet and throws his ass out the window)
Bruce Campbell: Good Character Actor: Who wants some? Hunh? (Points to
Mayor) You? Hunh? Want some?
Mayor: No, sir!
Bruce Campbell: Good Character Actor: (Grabs Buffy) Gimme some sugar
baby.
(Kisses Buffy)
Mulder & Scully: Isn't he the devil?
Cancer Man: (points to ceiling) LOOK! IT'S A FALLING STAR!
Scully: Eddie Murphy?
(Everyone looks to the ceiling. Cancer Man runs for it. Everyone looks
back. Cancer Man is gone.)
Mulder: Dammit! HE GOT AWAY AGAIN!
Scully: Oh, well. Are we leaving now?
Mulder: Sure. Why not.
Mayor: Bye, everyone! See you next time!
Buffy, Angel, Oz and Xander: See you next time.
Bruce Campbell: Good Character Actor: Later! Shop smart. Shop S-Mart!
GOT THAT?
Everyone: Yes, sir!
(Everyone is now back at the school by Mulder and Scully's car. Bruce
Campbell: Good Character Actor has already left to be cool on other
shows.)
Mulder: Well, we have to go now. We have other cases to solve and
conspiracies to expose!
Buffy: Exactly what cases did you solve and what conspiracies did you
expose?
(Mulder is quiet)
Buffy: That's what I thought.
Scully: This has got to be the single most fucked up town I've ever been
to! KID! COFFEE! NOW!
(Xander fetches Scully some coffee. She takes a drink)
Scully: Good coffee though.
Mulder: Perhaps we shall meet again. If this town is as chaotic as it
seems we may have to return and....and....do...stuff.
Giles: Eloquent.
Xander: Very eloquent.
Mulder: Well, looking at our watches it's got to be morning and we
should be leaving.
Oz: It's morning. We know.
Mulder: How?
Buffy: Angel is on fire.
Angel: (On fire) OOOOWWWWW!! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!
Scully: Spontaneous combustion!
Mulder: Scully. You never cease to amaze me.
(Mulder and Scully get in their car and drive off.)
Mulder & Scully: Bye!
Buffy & her gang: Bye!
(Mulder and Scully accidentally hit another vampire as they leave.)
Scully: They really have to do something about these speed bumps!
Mulder: Yep.
(Mulder and Scully drive off into the sunrise.)
Buffy: Boy, thank god this parody is over and we never have to do this
again!
Jesse Glaspey: Actually, there may be a sequel involving Spike, Drusilla
and Cancer Man and Krycek again! And maybe the Sliders.
Angel: AAAAHHH! AHHHH!
Buffy: Still on fire?
Angel: No! I just can't stand the thought of another parody! I CAN'T
TAKE IT ANYMORE!
(Angel starts beating the shit out of Jesse Glaspey)
THE END.....IS RIGHT AFTER THIS!
================================
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Jesse Glaspey: Hi! And now the results of the poll! How are we going to
kill Jar Jar Binks, Kari?
Kari Wuhrer: Well, 66.6% of the public wants to see Jar Jar disemboweled
with a rusty edge of a tin foil dispenser! YAY!
Jesse: And here to do the honors is Jar Jar's co-star in Star Wars: The
Phantom Menace....SAMUEL L. JACKSON!
Samuel L. Jackson: I've been waiting a long time to do this
motherfucker!
Jar Jar: NOOOOOO!
Samuel L. Jackson: May the force be with you, bitch!
(Samuel L. Jackson gets medival on Jar Jar's ass and disembowels Jar Jar
Binks with the rusty edge of a tin foil dispenser!)
Jesse: Gruesome? Definitely. Funny? You bet! Kari, how many votes did we
get total?
Kari: Total?
Jesse: Yeah?
Kari: Three.
Jesse: Three votes?
Kari: Yep.
Jesse: Oh well.
Kari: Does this mean get paid now?
Jesse: I paid you last night.
Kari: With what? That roll of dimes?
Jesse: GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!
THE END!
This parody was written by Jesse Glaspey.
This has been a Sleepy Weasel Production.