The world of cartoons may be full of happy bunnies, singing clouds, and that sort of happy horseshit, but there's always the cartoon characters who are dumped into those worlds just to mess everything up for everyone else.  Without them, there would be no real entertainment to cartoons at all and therefore, with this list, we salute the 20 greatest cartoon bitches of all time!


20.  Lola Bunny

Okay, I’ve got to admit… Lola Bunny isn’t really a bitch so to speak, I just really hate her rabbity good for nothing guts. She was a ploy, that’s all she was! A ploy to give Bugs a female counterpart, a love interest so that everyone who stop questioning his sexuality, and a strong female Looney Tunes character for the sake of political correctness for all of the oversensitive pussies out there. Not to mention all of the goody-goody marketing that came out of it.

What was the result? Bugs Bunny became a whooped man and Space Jam still sucked. Thank YOU Warner Brothers.

How do we know Lola’s a strong female character? She’s good at basketball! Wow, that’s awesome, sweetheart, make me a steak and we’ll see how useful you really are.

It’s not bad enough that Lola stunk up the already putrid Space Jam with her estrogen and feminine hygiene products, now her character has been hauled out of the bad idea dumpster and put on the mother of all shitty Looney Tunes spin-offs, Baby Looney Tunes. I even think that Lola is going to appear on the uber-crappy Loonatics.

So, yeah… Lola isn’t really a bitch, but my mama always told me never to use the word “cunt” when speaking about a lady.


19.  Lisa Simpson

Before you jump in and say, “Hey (durrrr) Lisa’s not a bitch!” I say, shut up she sure is!

Lisa’s got a big superiority complex in that she thinks she’s just that much better than everyone else. Do you honestly think that Lisa believes herself an equal to Bart or Homer or Marge? Oh no, Lisa is a pillar of morality and higher thinking in her own mind and her family and friends are but lower organisms.

And a complainer… Jesus Christ, is there anything this bitch hasn’t complained or protested about? She doesn’t eat meat, she thinks fur is murder, she doesn’t think that there’s enough art… For chimney sake, little girl, put a sock in your babbler hole and try and make friends your own age! Perhaps there’s a reason you don’t have your own version of Millhouse, you over opinionated whiney bitch!


18.  Olive Oyl

I believe that the words that I heard used to describe her was “an ugly thin manipulative whore” and that pretty much sums it up as far as I’m concerned.

Now, Olive Oyl isn’t a bitch all the time and, granted, she does her fair share to resist the rapist advances of Bluto, but have you ever noticed how often that Olive is the instigator of fights between Popeye and Bluto and it’s all because of that damn bitch’s flirting when Bluto walks up to her and mumbles, “Hey, how you doing?” and she blushes or some such shit and says, “Tee hee hee hee hee.” I mean, Bluto is a bastard enough by himself, but throw in this amount of bastarditude and bitchery and mix them together and poor Popeye didn't stand a chance!

It’s slight, but its there. If you can take the boredom, watch some of the Popeye cartoons and keep a close eye on the number of times this skank has gotten her boyfriend beat up. It’s shocking to see just how manipulative she really is!

And I didn't even touch on how stuck up she is!


17.  The Baroness

Looking back at my primarily faded memories of GI Joe, I believe that the Baroness was the only lady serving in the upper echelon of C.O.B.R.A.. So, how did this unimpressive female make her way to the top of a complete shower of bastards like Destro and Cobra Commander? How do you think? She was porking them!

She was a sexy bitch, that’s for sure. Sultry, seductive, and those glasses were a hell of a turn on. The fact that she looked at people as if she was concocting new and horrible ways of torturing them was sexy as well.

But let’s face it, sexy or no, the Baroness was a bitch who had no loyalty to her superiors. Ever notice how when Serpentor took over C.O.B.R.A., Baroness was one of the first ones to tell him what an incompetent fool Cobra Commander was?

Don’t have this woman watch your back, men, she just may put a knife in it!


16.  Mammy Two-Shoes

I’m not talking about the Mammy Two-Shoes we see today, this pale politically correct and re-dubbed imposter that currently appears in the Tom and Jerry Cartoons, I mean the big, black, beautiful, and badass mama that would kick Tom’s ass into next week for something that that little bastard mouse Jerry would do.

You all know that Jerry made the bastard list, say hello to his comrade in arms.

Mammy Two-Shoes (which, I don’t even think is her name anymore) had a shrieking voice like Eddie Murphy in drag and was mean as anything you would come across in the cartoon world and was particularly more menacing because you never saw her face (think of Nana from Muppet Babies if she would periodically kick one of the children).

Alas, her bitchery level has gone down thanks to Ted Turner’s need to slice and dice his cartoons to make them inoffensive. Perhaps he should have been on the bastard’s list too, no?.


15.  Loretta

I really didn’t realize what a cold-hearted bitch that Loretta really was until she left poor adorable Cleveland on Family Guy. I mean, Cleveland was such a nice guy! How the hell did he end up with this flaming trollop is beyond me.

The thing that really pisses me off about Loretta is that she made her entire affair with Quagmire seem like it was Cleveland’s fault in the first place. Sorry, honey, unless Cleveland pushed you and you landed on Quagmire’s dick, you’re just a bitch. Not only a bitch… you’re a ho too, girl.


14.  Alexandria Cabot

First of all, Alexandria was rich and stuck up which automatically makes you a bitch as far as I’m concerned. This half-witted evil version of Paris Hilton would spend most of her wasted day following Josie and the Pussycats, berating them, and sometimes even sabotaging them.

And why was this? Did she want control of the universe? Did she want to take over the band? Did Josie kill her father? Oh no, Alexandria just wanted to date Alan M. and was afraid that he was sweet on Josie.

Jesus Christ, what a bitch! Willing to wreck her friends lives and livelihoods for a man? It’s bad enough that Alexandria looks like a skunk is fucking her head, but what’s with the high school attitude in in the professional music industry. I mean, Paris and Nichole hate each other now, but they still work together!

Put on the big girl panties, Alexandria, and deal with your issues!


13.  Holly Would

Forget for a moment that Cool World is one of the most vile and visually unappealing movies ever put to screen, Holly Would wanted to be human… and she was willing to destroy the world to do it!

Someone should really sit this stupid bitch down and explain to her with sock puppets that she’s a citizen of the world too and that if it’s destroyed, she’s not going to be human for very long.

Okay, now forget for a minute this dumb bitch’s scheme. Holly was a user, abuser, and manipulator and you can’t get to be a bigger bitch than that. Unless, of course, you star in a horrible movie…

Hey, she did!

Bitch!


12.  Yzma

I love this woman. Love her, love her, love her. In my opinion, Yzma is the greatest villain that the House of Mouse has ever come up with and The Emperor’s New Groove is the last great cartoon they ever did.

Still, is Yzma a bitch or what?

Aside from being scary beyond all reason, Yzma’s drive is fueled by a plethora of bitchy reasons… vanity, a lust for power, and a sexual drive that I would rather not think about. I mean, why else keep Kronk around?

Yeeech!.


11.  Mom

Well, I know that people are going to be – pardon the pun – bitching that Mom isn’t higher on the list, but her includement on the list in the first place is only a testament to the power this bitch has in the year 3000.

The owner of Mom’s Friendly Robot Factory, the reason why this woman is such a bitch isn’t because of her greed, her attitude, his wanton destruction of the environment or her nearly successful attempt to take over the world… Mom is a bitch because she’s put on a facade of a friendly, elderly, and kind-hearted old woman that the public eats up. Dubya must have been watching this show and getting ideas.

She mean, she’s maniacal, and no matter what there’s no way that Fry and his friends could ever prove it. Mom is a bitch in one of its purest forms.


10.  Cruella DeVil

Just so we’re perfectly clear here, there’s only two ways that this woman could possibly have gotten the name “Cruella.” First, it could be her natural name which makes you wonder just how horrible of a baby she could have been. I mean, she already had the name “DeVil” and her parents went and saddled her with a name like “Cruella?” How evil was this baby anyway? Did she pop out, use her cord as a bungee, and bite the doctor in the balls?

The second way she could have gotten her name is if she went and changed it herself. I can see it now… her parents named her something cute and ironic like Angel DeVil and, when she came of age, she took a good look at her name and said, “Fuck that! I’m Cruella!” She’s a bitch and she’s proud of it.

Forgetting for a moment the fact that this woman is already a “cruel devil” in your mind when you first hear her name, for God’s sake… this is a woman who was going to slaughter and skin over a hundred Dalmatian puppies so that she could look fashionable! I bet you money that bitch has tsunami orphans working for 3 cents a day somewhere in Thailand!

She’s a bitch, dahling!


9.  Evil Lyn

Evil Lyn is a lot like The Baroness from GI Joe, only a lot more scary. There is a certain allure to her, but for some reason every fantasy I have about her ends with her pulling out my intestines and eating them.

So yeah, considerably less sexy than The Baroness with that manish voice and butch demeanor… at least now we understand the strange tension between her and Teela.

But what makes this raging bull-dyke a bitch? Well, for one thing she’s almost the personification of evil in Eternia, cares nothing for her fellow man, and would fuck over Skeletor the first chance she got to take over his entire empire. You know, she’s such a bitch that if she did take over Snake Mountain, I have a feeling that He-Man and the Masters of the Universe would be pretty much screwed.

The remake made her into an even bigger bitch. I mean, for God's sake... this woman's name is Evil Lyn! There's no mamby pamby trotting around with a subtle name like "Cruella DeVil", when you hear the name Evil, you're not expecting this broad to bake you cookies and give you a foot massage like a normal woman should.

Evil Lyn, I find you guilty of bitchcraft!.


8.  Toot

The latest addition to our list, Toot is a hoot, but this witch is a bitch, that’s for sure.

Every reality show has a bitch and filling that role on Drawn Together is this veteran of the old black and white toons and Betty Boop knock off.

Toot’s one perverse pleasure is to turn everyone’s life upside down and to stuff her fat gullet with as much food as possible. In the first episode, she tells everyone at home that she’s going to be the series’ bitch and that pretty much set the bar for her. I mean, to get a little high, she put poor little Ling-Ling through hell just so she could lick his back for a buzz.

I dub thee, bitch!


7.  Luna

I’m not sure how many of you guys will remember this bitch, but near the end of Thundercat’s run, Luna and her fellow Lunattacks were brought in to replace the mutants as a more deadly enemy to Lion-O and his kin and essentially, all the Thundercat fans hated her and her whole pathetic lot.

Aside from the usual reasons for being a bitch – evil, mean, sadistic. bossy, and not being in the kitchen – there was one glaring reason why Luna is one of the biggest bitcholies we’ve seen in two-dimensional hand drawn glory.

What the shit is this? Yeah, she’s short… but she’s got two perfectly good legs on her and yet she feels like she has to ride on the back of a mentally retarded guy with a pituitary disorder? I don’t have the words. Seriously, I don’t have them…

You don't see Vern Troyer riding Big Show like a horse. The bitch has no excuse.

 


6.  Angelica

It doesn’t take much to recognize the amount of bitchery that this character has. Sweet and innocent to the grown-ups, but a tormentor and hag to other babies, Angelica is the ultimate two-faced harpy and the kind of kid you just want to strangle for a few hours.

Let's be frank here, kids, we all knew an Angelica when we were little and we all hated her.  If you didn't know an Angelica when you were little... it was you.

This bitch definitely put the rat in Rugrats.


5.  Miss Piggy

I’m thankful that Miss Piggy was turned into a cartoon for Muppet Babies because, let’s face it, no list of famous bitches would be complete without her.

Piggy is sort of like Angelica in that she’s two faced, but Miss Piggy is also a violent little sow repeatedly smacking the crap out of Gonzo and all but raping Kermit. Her short temper and the way she looses her cool makes her a dangerous individual and I'm surprised that Nana allows her to stay in the nursery with the other babies alone!

Miss Piggy is definitely the destabilizing force in Muppet Babies and, if not for that bacony bitch, I have a feeling that all of the little tykes would live in peace and harmony.


4.  Maleficent

Now shall you deal with ME, o Prince - and all the powers of HELL!

Out of all of the bitches to leave the House of Mouse, Maleficent remains the coldest and the scariest. You see, this is a bitch who not only practices bitchcraft, but has honed the fine art of bitchery to a new degree.

Think about it. When she crashed the royal party at the beginning of Sleeping Beauty, she could have just killed the baby and been done with it, going home to watch Desperate Housewives or whatever single bitches watch. Instead, Maleficent used her magnificent bitch brain which was, no doubt, boiling over with Bitcha-Caritine – the chemical that makes women into bitches – and put a curse on the baby to let her live for eighteen years and then kill her… letting everyone get very used to having her around, getting attached to her and all and then BAM! Death by spinning wheel, baby.

You’ve just got to appreciate the sheer amount of callous bitchiness in that plan.


3.  Shelia Brovloski

EVERYONE SING!

Welllllllllllllllllllllllllll, Kyle's mom is a bitch, she's a big fat bitch,
She's the biggest bitchin the whole wide world
She's a mean old bitchif there ever was a bitch,
She's a bitch to all the boys and girls

On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch
On Wednesday through Saturday she's a bitch
Then on Sunday, just to be different,
She's a Super-King-Kamehameha Beeyatch

Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom,
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair
She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch,
bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch,
She's a stupid bitch!
Kyle's mom's a bitch, and she's just a dirty bitch!

Kyle's mom...is a...biiiitch! Tchah!


2.  Demona

Demona is a thousand years old and she spent every day of that thousand years hating humans and trying to think of new and interesting ways of killing them. Over the years, that hatred poisoned her like bad sushi until all those malevolent feelings boiled and bubbled inside of her until she farted.

Then, a few years later, she became an ultra-mega winged bitch of the skies who would just as soon rip off your head and shit down your neck stump than look at you.

What makes Demona a true bitch is her unwillingness to take responsibility for her own actions. You see, the chain of events that started her downfall into bitchiness began when she betrayed the Gargoyles to the humans (causing their destruction) and, like a true bitch, she blames everyone else for her own failures like Michael Eisner, Oliver Stone, and Uwe Boll.

I mean, true, it’s rare that a female will take responsibility for anything, but Demona’s been avoiding it for centuries so she’s got to be one of the biggest bitches on Earth…

…Well, perhaps excluding our number one bitch.


1.  Lucy Van Pelt

Picture this, you have a football and you're playing with a little kid who looks like he's a cancer victim. Now, if you were a mammal like the rest of us, you would let this pathetic loser kick the ball and feel some kind of accomplishment in his poor excuse of a life, but if you're Lucy it's a different story.

Lucy is the biggest bitch in cartoon and comics history. She's mean to everyone she meets with the exception of Shroeder who she hangs around with and flirts with just to piss him off. She's constantly threatening people and bossing them around, and her fear of germs keeps her from even enjoying the presence of a dog who freakin' dances for his supper. Did I mention that she should just let Charlie Brown kick the goddamn ball just once?

Even with all of her problems... the bossiness, the violence, the germophoblia, Lucy still has the gall to think that she, out of all of the peanuts, has her act together the most so that she can offer her services to the other children as a shrink and then... then, she still wants to take ten cents from them as a fee for her crappy advice.

Lucy Van Pelt can eat a dick, drink a bucket of AIDs, and die. She is cartoondom's biggest bitch.

 

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