Incredibly Offensive Jokes

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Just... don't read these, okay?  If you do read them, don't fucking complain.

 

What do you call a homosexual in a wheelchair? Rolaids.

What's the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can't take a joke.

What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None... he fell.

What's the best part of sex with a transvestite? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Phelps can finish a race.

I ran into Hitler. I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to? He said "This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews and two clowns!" "Two Clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?" "See? Nobody cares about zee Jews."

A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club, and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to her apartment for the night.

When the couple arrives at the woman's apartment, they begin passionately kissing and undressing each other, preparing to have frenzied and unrepentant sex with each other.

However, the white woman, curious as she was, asked the black guy as he was taking off his pants, "before you take them off....is it true what they say about black guys?"

With a suave yet sinister look, he looked into her eyes and said "baby, of course." He then proceeded to stab her and ran out with her purse.

What's the difference between an onion and a hooker? I don't cry when I'm cutting up the hooker.

A guy goes to a whorehouse and tells the madam he only wants to spend 5 bucks. The madam thinks for a bit, then says, "Betsy. She's down the hall, last door on the left."

The guy walks down, sees Betsy -- she's not the best looking, but she would do. He puts it in and it's the worst feeling he's ever had on his dick -- like sandpaper and teeth. He pulls out and tells her. "Um. something's wrong, can you do something about that?" Betsy crinkles her face, then says, "Why of course! But it will run you another five bucks." She pockets the fiver and goes to the bathroom and is back in no time.

The guy puts it back in and now, it's the complete opposite: it's the best feeling he's ever had, and finishes in a flash. Panting, he asks her, "oh my god... that felt amazing... what did you do??" Betsy smiles, and says, "for the extra five bucks, I pick the scabs."

What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.

What does a Jew with an erection get when he walks into a wall? A broken nose.

What's a Jew's biggest dilemma? Free ham.

What do Jewish pedophiles say? "Hey kid, want to buy some candy?"

What's the worst thing about getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger.

Three pregnant women are sitting in a doctors waiting room knitting. Mom 1 checks her watch and takes a pill "Vitamin C, good for mom, good for baby." Mom 2 takes a pill and says, "Vitamin A, good for mom, good for baby." Mom 3 takes a pill and says, "Thalidomide...I can't knit sleeves."

I would tell a Casey Anthony joke, but my mom would kill me...

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on a boys face until he's 13.

So I was balls deep in this guy thrusting as hard as I could when I reached around to give him a hand job. Guess what? That fucker had an erection. What. Queer.

The worst part about being a pedophile is trying to fit in.

A man walks past girl with no arms or legs sitting by a pool. The girl says to the man, "Excuse me sir, I've never been fucked and in my condition no one would want to fuck me. Will you please fuck me?" So the man kicks her into the pool and says, "There, you're fucked."

A guy called into work and says, "Hey, boss!  What's the difference between work and your daughter?" ... "I'm not coming into work this morning!"

God gave women yeast infections so that they would know what it was like living with an irritating cunt for once.

What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's pussy? Sucking out thirteen of them and realizing you only put in a dozen.

What does a baby look like after a minute in the microwave? I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

A baby seal walked into a club...

I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!" Kinky bitch.

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.

Have you heard the joke about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old.

What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job? You just KNOW she'll swallow.

I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special.

What does it taste like when you go down on an old lady?  Depends...

Why did the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong socks today.

Little Johnny is staying at his grandmother's house for the weekend with his parents. He walks into their room in the middle of the night and wakes his mother. His mother says "What is it Johnny?". Little Johnny says "Grandma has a shrimpy"! His mother looks at him puzzled. "She has a WHAT?" Johnny says "A Shrimpy!" His mother has no idea what little Johnny is talking about. His mother says "Come show me what you're talking about". Little Johnny leads his mother downstairs where his 85 year old grandmother is lying sprawled out on the sofa in her night-gown. Her gown is wide open and so are her legs. She is sound asleep. Johnny says to his mother "Look mommy, Grandma has a shrimpy". He points to her vaginHis mother laughs. "No, no, Johnny, that's not a shrimpy. That's her vagina". Little Johnny looks up at his mother and says "Wow! Sure does taste like shrimpy".

What's the difference between jam and jelly? I don't jelly my cock down a bitches throat.

What is the difference between a gay guy and a fridge? The fridge doesn't fart when you pull meat out.

How do you get a fat girl into bed?  Piece of cake.

How are children like cellphones? If you've lost one and haven't found it in a couple days, chances are it's probably dead.

What's the difference between Sara Palin's mouth and her vagina? Retarded things only come out of her vagina SOME of the time.

What's the best part about raping a baby?  It makes your dick look HUGE!

What's the best part about raping a four year old boy?  Watching him cry on the witness stand.

How long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?  I don't know... I can't tell time with an erection.

What's the difference between a priest and acne?  Acne waits until puberty to come on a kid's face.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a poodle?   A dead poodle with an 18 inch wide asshole.

Why does it take longer for a woman to orgasm than a man?  Who cares?

What's the difference between a black guy and a pizza?  A pizza can feed a family of four.

What do you call four klansman pushing a pickup truck?  White power.

What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?  A pilot, you racist asshole!

What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby?  You can't fuck a rock.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?  Nothing... you already told her twice.

Why do black men cry during sex?  Mace.

What's the difference between a black guy and Batman?  A black guy can't go out at night without Robin.

What's white and fourteen inches long?  Nothing.

How many white guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  The number doesn't matter because the white man will screw anything.

What does a white woman make for dinner?  Reservations.

What do you call a white guy surrounded by five black guys?  Coach.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by eleven black guys?  Football coach.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by hundreds of black guys?  Warden.

What do you call a white woman with a yeast infection?  Cracker with cheese.

What does a tampon and a white woman have in common?  They're both stuck up cunts.

What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A pedophile.

What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game? Before the First Period.

How do you swat 200 flies at one time?  Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

What is a redneck virgin?  A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? You would too if you were named Auuurraaagggghhh!

What is the most positive thing in harlem? HIV.

Why do Jewish girls like to fuck doggy style? They can't stand to see somebody else have a good time.

Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? One stops sucking when you slap it.

What's the difference between a British man and his girlfriend? His girlfriend has a higher sperm count.

Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature? Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949.

How do you know if a Chinese person robbs your house? Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.

What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity? Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.

What do rednecks and KFC have in common? They do chicken right.

In Kentucky, what do divorces and tornados have in common? Either way, someone is going to lose a trailer.

Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.

What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire? Drowns

Two (insert favorite ethnic group here) jump off the top of a very tall building. Which one his the ground first? Who gives a fuck?

What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job? You know she'll swallow.

Why did the redneck cross the road? Because he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese.

How do you kill 100 Mexicans? Blow up their van.

What do you call five Mexicans on the bottom of a pool? Cinco

What's black and blue and hates sex? A rape victim.

What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? They both drip when they're fucked.

What did the little black boy say when he got diarrhea? I'm melting!

What do you call a fat Chinese person? A chunk.

What did the little Mexican boy get for Christmas? My bike.

How are fat bitches and Mo-peds the same? They are both fun to ride, but you don't tell your friends about them.

How many house wives does it take to screw in a light bulb? None! what the Fuck they doing out of the kitchen!?

How do you blindfold a chinese person? Dental floss.

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!

Why do black people play basketball? They can run, shoot, and steal

What did Adolf Hitler get his neice for her birthday? An easy bake oven.

What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day, everyone wants to be Irish.

What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike? Ethiopian

Why don't Puerto Ricans have check books? Because it's impossible to sign your name that small with spray paint.

How do you know when a redneck has her period? She's only wearing one sock.

What do you call an Ethiopian with buck teeth? A rake.

How do you stop 5 black guys from raping a white girl? Throw them a basket ball.

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full

Whats the difference between a Pakie & a bucket of shit? The bucket.

What do you call two Ethiopians in a sleeping bag? Twix.

How do you get 100 ethiopians into a phone box? Throw a tin of beans in.
How do you get them out? Run past with a tin opener.

What do you do after you rape a 12 year old deaf dumb and blind girl? Break her fingers so she cant tell her mom.

Why doesn't Mexico enter the Olympics? Because all their best runners, jumpers and swimmers are in America.

How did the Grand Canyon get there? Two Jews dropped a quarter down a gopher hole.

How do you kill a redneck? Wait 'till he fucks his sister then cut the brakes on his house.

How do you kill 100 Ethiopians? Throw a Biscuit off a cliff.

What do you do when you see someone having a seizure in a bathtub? Throw in a load of dirty laundry.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.

How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex? Call her on the phone.

What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison?  "I feel like a kid again."

What do you get when cross an Italian with a gorilla?  A retarded gorilla.

Why could Jesus walk on water? Shit Floats.

What do you get wne you cross a black man and a Mexican.  A person who's too lazy to steal.

What was good about the million man march? Only three people missed work.

What do you do when your woman's watch breaks? Nothing there's a clock on the stove.

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? They won't work in the future either.

What do gay guys call an upside down chair?   A table for four.

What's the useless skin around a vagina called? The woman.

Why are KFC and a woman the same? When you're done eating them all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

How do you keep an Indian out of your back yard?  Move the trash cans to the front.

Why did God give women three more brain cells than cows? So they don't shit on the floor while doing the dishes.

Why is Tylenol white?  It works.

Why do Jews have big noses?  Because air is free.

What's a homeless woman use for a vibrator?  Two flies in a bottle.

Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver? She was a woman

Do you wanna hear a joke?  Women's Rights.

What's the new definition for mass confusion?  Fathers day in Harlem.

Why shouldn't women have driver's licenses? There's no roads between the kitchen and the bedroom.

What do you call a Mexican with a sunburn? A REFRIED BEAN

What do you call a white Orgy? A snowball
What do you call a Black Orgy? Mud Wrestling
What do you call a Mexican Orgy? FAMILY REUNION!

What's the difference between a Jew and a Canoe? A canoe tips

What do 3 million abused women do wrong every year? They don't fucking listen

What's the worst thing about eating vegetables? Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.

How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin.

What do you call a bunch of white guys running down a hill? An avalanche.
What do you call a bunch of black guys running down a hill? A mudslide
What do you call a bunch of mexicans running down a hill? A jailbreak

I'm not racist, I have a color TV.

Why does helen keller masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?  Yea, they named it, Sum Ting Wong!!

Have you heard about the new car designed by the Jews? It stops on a dime and then picks it up.

What do u call four Mexicans in quicksand?  Cuatro cinco.

How many irish does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two!  One to hold it in place and the other to drink intill the room spins.

Did you hear about the two car pile up in Mexico?  200 Mexicans died.

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  None, they just sit in the dark and bitch.

What is the difference between a Russian and a bag of shit?  Nothing.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?  You can unscrew a light bulb.

What's the best thing about fucking homeless girls? When you're done, you can drop 'em off anywhere.

What do fags call their balls?  "Mud flaps"

What happens when you stick your hand in a bowl full of black jelly beans?  You get your watch stolen.

What's long and hard on a black man?  The first grade.

Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box?  She sat on Pinocchio' s face and said "lie to me!"

What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury dough boy?  A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

How do you get a nun pregnant?  Dress her up like an altar boy.

Why can't Stevie Wonder read?  Because he's black.

What do you do when your dishwasher doesn't work?  Slap her.

Why did the feminist cross the road?  To suck my cock.

What do you call a gay guy in a sleeping bag?  A fruit roll up.

If a black guy, a Mexican, and a redneck are all in a car together, who's driving?   The police.

What's better than taking home the gold in the Special Olympics?   Not being retarded!

What do priests and Santa Claus have in common?  They both leave little boy's rooms with empty sacks.

Studies show that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Why does Jesus hate M&Ms?  They keep falling through his hands.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Disney movie?  Disney movies can still touch little kids.

Oxymorons: Loving God, airplane good, government intelligence, religious tolerance, and black people.

What do you call a barn full of elderly black people?  Antique farm equipment.

How do you get a one-armed Scotsman out of a tree?  Wave.

Why don't Afghan schools teach drivers ed and sex ed the same day?  The camel would get too tired.

How is locking your keys in your car like getting your girlfriend pregnant?  The problem is easily solved with a coat hanger.

What do you call a black woman who has had a dozen abortions?  A crime fighter.

A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, "Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!?" "No," replies the man. "She just sort of lays there."

Did you hear about the guy who was into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality?  He gave it up because he was flogging a dead horse.

An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.
"Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.
"I’m here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man.
St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!"

Why is a truckload of babies different from a truckload of babies?  You can't unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

What's red, slimy, and crawls up a woman's leg?  A homesick abortion.

What do I get when I stab a baby with a knife?  An erection.

What do you call a redneck with two sheep?  A pimp.

How many times does a redneck laugh at a joke?  Three times:  Once when it's told, once when it's explained, and once when he finally gets it.

Why are murders easy to commit in West Virginia?  Because everyone there has the same DNA.

Why would you wrap a hamster in duct tape?  So it won't explode when you fuck it!

Did you hear about the new birth control they've introduced to West Virginia?  They've banned family reunions!

My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile.  That's an awfully big word for a nine year-old.

What's the definition of a woman?  Life support system for pussy.

What's the worst way to spend Easter?  Getting crucified.

How do they separate men from boys in San Francisco?  With a crowbar.

What do you call a redneck who does well on an IQ test?  A cheater.

How do you get a racist to laugh on a Sunday? Tell them a joke on Friday.

What's the difference between a racist and a bucket of shit? The bucket.

Why is a racist like a drunk? Because whatever they say ends in a slur.

Why is a racist like a dog? Because they both mark out territory by spraying walls.

What's red and white and peels itself? A white supremacist trying to get a suntan.

What's the definition of confused? A white supremacist watching the mens 100m sprint.

What do you get when you cross a white supremacist with a donkey? Someone who thinks the sun shines out of their own ass.

Why is a white supremacist like the announcer at track meet? Because they both start shouting the instant they see a new race.

What's the difference between a schoolyard racist and Adolf Hitler? Opportunity.

What are the best four years of a redneck's life? Sixth grade.

Why do white supremacists hang around in gangs? So they can form a dope ring.

Why didn't the white supremacist cross the road? She was afraid of the other side.

How many white supremacists does it take to change a light bulb? None - racists hate being enlightened.

Have you heard about the white supremacist who choked on his yoghurt? Someone told him it grew out of a foreign culture.

Why do white supremacists compete with others on the basis of color? Because if they competed on brains, they'd lose.

Why did the white supremacists punch out the immigrants? Because if you can't join 'em, beat 'em.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb? 11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it.

How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who knows; they never get the house.

How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb? 4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common? There both empty from the neck up.

What's the best thing about a blow job? Ten minutes silence.

Why do men have a hole in their penis? So they can get air to their brain.

What's a man's idea of safe sex? A padded headboard.

What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's cock.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!

Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint? It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Why do men pay more than women for car insurance? Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

How do you piss off a female archeologist?? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.

How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

What do you call a white man who can dance?  Gay.

The best kind of sex is makeup sex.  It also assures that son doesn't pick fights with me anymore.

A devout man calls his mom and says, "Mom, I've got some good news and some bad news...  The good new is, I've been elected Pope!"  The mother screams in delight for a few minutes and then says, "What's the bad news?"  The man says, "The bad news is, I have to move to an Italian neighborhood."

What's the difference between snot and cauliflower? 
Kids will eat snot.

When I was young I used to struggle keeping my colors inside the lines. At my new job at Immigration Control however, they do as they're fucking told.

I gave my blind grandmother a guide dog named "Sit."  Now it won't take her anywhere.

What do you call 50 Puerto Ricans in a room with 50 lesbians?  A hundred people who won't do dick!

What does a barn and an alter boy have in common?  They've both probably had a cock inside them.

A guy tells his wife that he's going fishing.  His wife starts to complain because she says he never takes her anywhere, so he tells her, "Fine, you can come fishing with me and the dog tomorrow!"  The next morning, the husband wakes up and wakes his wife.  Now she's seen that her manipulation has worked a little too well and says, "I don't want to go fishing."  The husband is upset.  "You bitched and whined about wanting to go somewhere with me and now you don't want to go?   Fine, you don't have to go... but you're either going to suck my dick or you're going to let me fuck you in the ass."  The wife says, "Let me think about it for a minute."  The husband agrees and he leaves her to get things ready for his trip.  She he comes back, she says, "I don't want to go fishing and I'm not about to let you fuck me in the ass, so I guess I'll just suck your dick."  He whips it out and she starts sucking, but then stops. "Jesus Christ!  Your dick tastes like shit!"  The husband says, "Yeah, the dog didn't want to go fishing either."

Why did the kindergartener drop his book? Assault rifle rounds do make you drop things.

Africans have the best drinking games. Like; the last one to find the water dies…

How many Mexicans does it take to build a fence?  I don't know... I only own blacks.

“I’ve got a new nickname for you,” I told my wife today. “What is it?” she asked. “Bambi,” I replied. “Aww, is that ‘cause I’ve got beautiful eyes?” she asked. “No, it’s because I’ve just killed your mom,” I replied.

What's the difference between a hamburger and a dead baby? I don't fuck the hamburger before I eat it.

What's the difference between a baby and a washing machine?  A washing machine doesn't cry when you drop a load in it.

Gay jokes are never funny.  Cum on guys!

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies at the OB/GYN waiting room.  The first one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have a strong nervous system, so I'm taking a folate pill." The second one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have healthy blood, so I'm taking an iron pill." The third one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "This is thalidomide." The other two women look in horror. "WHY?!" The third one calmly replies, "I just fucked up the sleeves on this sweater."

I really hate how politically correct the world is getting. I cant even say "Black paint" anymore, I have to say "Hey Jamal, can you please paint that wall for me?"

A father walks into a pharmacy, goes to the counter and asks the pharmacist about getting birth control for his 11 year old daughter. "My god, your 11 year old is sexually active!" the pharmacist exclaims. The dad replies "not really, she just lies there and cries."

"Your generation is too reliant on technology," said my grandpa. "No, your generation is too reliant on technology," I retorted as I pulled the plug on his life support to further prove my point.

How is a tumbleweed a lot like a gay guy?
They blow and blow until they end up stuck on a fence in Wyoming

What's America's oldest red wine?
"I want my land back!"

My wife walked in on me fucking our daughter. I don't know which made her more surprised, that I was fucking our daughter or the fact the hospital let me keep the stillborn.

How does every black joke start?
With a look over your shoulder.

How do you kill 15 flies at once?
Slap an African child in the face

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Well, obviously not eight because my basement is still dark.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
I take my shoes off when I jump on the trampoline.

How do you make a dead baby look cute?
Staple it to a puppy.

What's worse than stapling a baby to a wall?
Ripping it off.

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?
It wasn't born yesterday!

Boy walks in on his dad masturbating. Never having seen anyone do this, he says,
"Daddy, what are you doing?"
His dad replies, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon enough!"
"Really? Why's that, Daddy?"
"Well, my arm is getting tired..."

A husband and wife are getting ready for work. The husband gets out of the shower, still naked walks through the house. His daughter sees him and asks, "Daddy, when will I get one of those between my legs?" He says, "As soon as your mother leaves for work." 

What has 3 legs, 2 arms and 5 heads? The finishing line of the Boston marathon.

Who are the world's fastest readers?
9/11 victims, they went through 88 stories in 7 seconds.

My uncle died on 9/11. He was on the flight that crashed into the buildings. To me he was an uncle, but to the world, he was a brilliant terrorist.

What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew?
The boy scout came back from camp.

How do you get a Jewish girls number?
Roll up her sleeve.

A guy is walking to the bar to get a drink with his buddies when he notices a girl by train tracks tied up. He runs to her, unties her and they have sex. When he gets to the bar his friends ask why he's late and he brags about all the sex he got when finally they asked him "did you get any head?" He shook his head and said "nah, I couldn't find it."

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because feminists can't change anything.

"Why are black people such good dancers? They spend their first nine months dodging coat hangers."

What do you do once you're finished raping Helen Keller?
Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

Child alone in his room, playing with his toys, when BAM! A time machine appears. "Johnny! I'm you from the future!" "Really? Oh boy! What do I grow up to be?!"
"A pedophile," older Johnny says as he locks the door.

Why did the black guy walk into a bar?
Because the cell door was locked.

How long does it take a racist to take a shit?
Nine months.

Why don't you ever hear jokes about Jonestown? Because the punchlines are always too long.

What does a priest and a silver medalist have in common?
They both came in a little behind.

Why did Johnny keep falling off his rocking horse? Johnny died 6 months ago and his parents still haven't come to terms with his death.

Woman gives birth to twins. The midwife says there's good news and bad news. Bad news is one's ginger but the good news is it's dead.

My girlfriend is into some really strange role-play when we have sex. She always insists on pretending to be 12 years old. I don't get why, she'll be 12 in a couple of years anyway.

When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass. I thought that was a bit harsh – just because he’s black doesn’t mean he’s going to shoot anyone.

My son asked me the other day how I feel about abortions. I told him to go ask his sister. He said, "I don't have a sister". There's your answer.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a hurricane?
You can't rip the eye out of a hurricane and skull fuck it.

Getting girls to have sex with me is like getting ketchup out of a bottle.
It's easy when I have a knife.

 An Asian man gets into a cab and yells, "Quick, make like a Chinese dad with his newborn baby daughter and step on it!"

How do you fit four gay guys on a barstool? You turn it upside down.

You know the girl you are sleeping with is too young for you when you have to make the airplane noise just to get your cock in her mouth.

What's the difference between a white baby and a black baby?
About 20 minutes in the microwave.

Q: What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
A: Crust

What language do gay Jews speak?
He-blew.

What do you call a gay midget?
A low-blow.

What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud.

Why don't the blondes in San Francisco wear miniskirts?
Their balls show.

What did one gay guy say to the other gay guy before he went on vacation?
Want me to help pack your shit?

What does a silver medalist and a priest have in common?
They both came in a little behind.

What do you call five black people fucking? A threesome.

How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve.  One to change the lightbulb and 11 to say, "Aw he's so brave!"

How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Well certainly not 8 cause my basement is still dark.

My ex girlfriend rang me up to say that she was HIV positive.
The trick is to always act surprised.

What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics?
Walking.

Why does the game 'Clue' not have a black character in it?
Because then it would be called 'Solved'.

Why do black guys have such large dicks?
So they have something to play with on Christmas.

What do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit?
A showoff.

So, I walk in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber. I shout " Fuck, seriously?" "I was going to eat that later, now it's just going to taste like salad."

I was watching a film with my little boy earlier. He said, 'Dad I'm scared, is that woman going to die?'. I said 'Judging on the size of that horses cock, yes'.

What would Martin Luther King be if he wasn't black?
Alive.

What's the difference between a Iraqi school and a Taliban training center?
I don't know either, I just control the drone.

What do Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker have in common?
They both died at 95.

I tried to post that Paul Walker joke sooner, but my server kept crashing.

 

 


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