Incredibly Offensive Jokes
Just... don't read these, okay? If you do read them, don't fucking complain.
What do you call a homosexual in a wheelchair? Rolaids.
What's the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can't take a joke.
What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None... he fell.
What's the best part of sex with a transvestite? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Phelps can finish a race.
I ran into Hitler. I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to? He said "This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews and two clowns!" "Two Clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?" "See? Nobody cares about zee Jews."
A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club,
and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy
kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to
her apartment for the night.
What's the difference between an onion and a hooker? I don't cry when I'm cutting up the hooker.
A guy goes to a whorehouse and tells the madam he
only wants to spend 5 bucks. The madam thinks for a bit, then says,
"Betsy. She's down the hall, last door on the left."
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.
What does a Jew with an erection get when he walks into a wall? A broken nose.
What's a Jew's biggest dilemma? Free ham.
What do Jewish pedophiles say? "Hey kid, want to buy some candy?"
What's the worst thing about getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger.
Three pregnant women are sitting in a doctors waiting room knitting. Mom 1 checks her watch and takes a pill "Vitamin C, good for mom, good for baby." Mom 2 takes a pill and says, "Vitamin A, good for mom, good for baby." Mom 3 takes a pill and says, "Thalidomide...I can't knit sleeves."
I would tell a Casey Anthony joke, but my mom would kill me...
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on a boys face until he's 13.
So I was balls deep in this guy thrusting as hard as I could when I reached around to give him a hand job. Guess what? That fucker had an erection. What. Queer.
The worst part about being a pedophile is trying to fit in.
A man walks past girl with no arms or legs sitting by a pool. The girl says to the man, "Excuse me sir, I've never been fucked and in my condition no one would want to fuck me. Will you please fuck me?" So the man kicks her into the pool and says, "There, you're fucked."
A guy called into work and says, "Hey, boss! What's the difference between work and your daughter?" ... "I'm not coming into work this morning!"
God gave women yeast infections so that they would know what it was like living with an irritating cunt for once.
What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's pussy? Sucking out thirteen of them and realizing you only put in a dozen.
What does a baby look like after a minute in the microwave? I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
A baby seal walked into a club...
I was raping a woman the other night and she cried,
"Please, think of my children!" Kinky bitch.
What does it taste like when you go down on an old lady? Depends...
Why did the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong socks today.
Little Johnny is staying at his grandmother's house for the weekend with his parents. He walks into their room in the middle of the night and wakes his mother. His mother says "What is it Johnny?". Little Johnny says "Grandma has a shrimpy"! His mother looks at him puzzled. "She has a WHAT?" Johnny says "A Shrimpy!" His mother has no idea what little Johnny is talking about. His mother says "Come show me what you're talking about". Little Johnny leads his mother downstairs where his 85 year old grandmother is lying sprawled out on the sofa in her night-gown. Her gown is wide open and so are her legs. She is sound asleep. Johnny says to his mother "Look mommy, Grandma has a shrimpy". He points to her vaginHis mother laughs. "No, no, Johnny, that's not a shrimpy. That's her vagina". Little Johnny looks up at his mother and says "Wow! Sure does taste like shrimpy".
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I don't jelly my cock down a bitches throat.
What is the difference between a gay guy and a fridge? The fridge doesn't fart when you pull meat out.
How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake.
How are children like cellphones? If you've lost one and haven't found it in a couple days, chances are it's probably dead.
What's the difference between Sara Palin's mouth and her vagina? Retarded things only come out of her vagina SOME of the time.
What's the best part about raping a baby? It makes your dick look HUGE!
What's the best part about raping a four year old boy? Watching him cry on the witness stand.
How long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave? I don't know... I can't tell time with an erection.
What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits until puberty to come on a kid's face.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a poodle? A dead poodle with an 18 inch wide asshole.
Why does it take longer for a woman to orgasm than a man? Who cares?
What's the difference between a black guy and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
What do you call four klansman pushing a pickup truck? White power.
What do you call a black guy who flies a plane? A pilot, you racist asshole!
What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby? You can't fuck a rock.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing... you already told her twice.
Why do black men cry during sex? Mace.
What's the difference between a black guy and Batman? A black guy can't go out at night without Robin.
What's white and fourteen inches long? Nothing.
How many white guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The number doesn't matter because the white man will screw anything.
What does a white woman make for dinner? Reservations.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by five black
What do you call a white woman with a yeast infection? Cracker with cheese.
What does a tampon and a white woman have in common? They're both stuck up cunts.
What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A pedophile.
What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game?
Before the First Period.
How do you get 100 ethiopians into a phone box? Throw
a tin of beans in.
What's the useless skin around a vagina called? The
Why is Tylenol white? It works.
Why did the feminist cross the road? To suck my cock.
What do you call a gay guy in a sleeping bag? A fruit roll up.
If a black guy, a Mexican, and a redneck are all in a car together, who's driving? The police.
What's better than taking home the gold in the Special Olympics? Not being retarded!
What do priests and Santa Claus have in common? They both leave little boy's rooms with empty sacks.
Studies show that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
Why does Jesus hate M&Ms? They keep falling through his hands.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Disney movie? Disney movies can still touch little kids.
Oxymorons: Loving God, airplane good, government intelligence, religious tolerance, and black people.
What do you call a barn full of elderly black people? Antique farm equipment.
How do you get a one-armed Scotsman out of a tree? Wave.
Why don't Afghan schools teach drivers ed and sex ed the same day? The camel would get too tired.
How is locking your keys in your car like getting your girlfriend pregnant? The problem is easily solved with a coat hanger.
What do you call a black woman who has had a dozen abortions? A crime fighter.
A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, "Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!?" "No," replies the man. "She just sort of lays there."
Did you hear about the guy who was into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality? He gave it up because he was flogging a dead horse.
An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.
Why is a truckload of babies different from a truckload of babies? You can't unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
What's red, slimy, and crawls up a woman's leg? A homesick abortion.
What do I get when I stab a baby with a knife? An erection.
What do you call a redneck with two sheep? A pimp.
How many times does a redneck laugh at a joke? Three times: Once when it's told, once when it's explained, and once when he finally gets it.
Why are murders easy to commit in West Virginia? Because everyone there has the same DNA.
Why would you wrap a hamster in duct tape? So it won't explode when you fuck it!
Did you hear about the new birth control they've introduced to West Virginia? They've banned family reunions!
My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile. That's an awfully big word for a nine year-old.
What's the definition of a woman? Life support system for pussy.
What's the worst way to spend Easter? Getting crucified.
How do they separate men from boys in San Francisco? With a crowbar.
What do you call a redneck who does well on an IQ test? A cheater.
How do you get a racist to laugh on a Sunday? Tell
them a joke on Friday.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's
mouth? Einstein's cock.
How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
What do you call a white man who can dance? Gay.
The best kind of sex is makeup sex. It also assures that son doesn't pick fights with me anymore.
A devout man calls his mom and says, "Mom, I've got some good news and some bad news... The good new is, I've been elected Pope!" The mother screams in delight for a few minutes and then says, "What's the bad news?" The man says, "The bad news is, I have to move to an Italian neighborhood."
What's the difference between snot and cauliflower?
When I was young I used to struggle keeping my colors inside the lines. At my new job at Immigration Control however, they do as they're fucking told.
I gave my blind grandmother a guide dog named "Sit." Now it won't take her anywhere.
What do you call 50 Puerto Ricans in a room with 50 lesbians? A hundred people who won't do dick!
What does a barn and an alter boy have in common? They've both probably had a cock inside them.
A guy tells his wife that he's going fishing. His wife starts to complain because she says he never takes her anywhere, so he tells her, "Fine, you can come fishing with me and the dog tomorrow!" The next morning, the husband wakes up and wakes his wife. Now she's seen that her manipulation has worked a little too well and says, "I don't want to go fishing." The husband is upset. "You bitched and whined about wanting to go somewhere with me and now you don't want to go? Fine, you don't have to go... but you're either going to suck my dick or you're going to let me fuck you in the ass." The wife says, "Let me think about it for a minute." The husband agrees and he leaves her to get things ready for his trip. She he comes back, she says, "I don't want to go fishing and I'm not about to let you fuck me in the ass, so I guess I'll just suck your dick." He whips it out and she starts sucking, but then stops. "Jesus Christ! Your dick tastes like shit!" The husband says, "Yeah, the dog didn't want to go fishing either."
Why did the kindergartener drop his book? Assault rifle rounds do make you drop things.
Africans have the best drinking games. Like; the last one to find the water dies…
How many Mexicans does it take to build a fence? I don't know... I only own blacks.
“I’ve got a new nickname for you,” I told my wife today. “What is it?” she asked. “Bambi,” I replied. “Aww, is that ‘cause I’ve got beautiful eyes?” she asked. “No, it’s because I’ve just killed your mom,” I replied.
What's the difference between a hamburger and a dead baby? I don't fuck the hamburger before I eat it.
What's the difference between a baby and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't cry when you drop a load in it.
Gay jokes are never funny. Cum on guys!
Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies at the OB/GYN waiting room. The first one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have a strong nervous system, so I'm taking a folate pill." The second one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have healthy blood, so I'm taking an iron pill." The third one takes a pill out of her purse and says, "This is thalidomide." The other two women look in horror. "WHY?!" The third one calmly replies, "I just fucked up the sleeves on this sweater."
I really hate how politically correct the world is getting. I cant even say "Black paint" anymore, I have to say "Hey Jamal, can you please paint that wall for me?"
A father walks into a pharmacy, goes to the counter and asks the pharmacist about getting birth control for his 11 year old daughter. "My god, your 11 year old is sexually active!" the pharmacist exclaims. The dad replies "not really, she just lies there and cries."
"Your generation is too reliant on technology," said my grandpa. "No, your generation is too reliant on technology," I retorted as I pulled the plug on his life support to further prove my point.
How is a tumbleweed a lot like a gay guy?
What's America's oldest red wine?
My wife walked in on me fucking our daughter. I don't know which made her more surprised, that I was fucking our daughter or the fact the hospital let me keep the stillborn.
How does every black joke start?
How do you kill 15 flies at once?
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
How do you make a dead baby look cute?
What's worse than stapling a baby to a wall?
Why can't you fool an aborted baby?
Boy walks in on his dad masturbating. Never having seen anyone do this, he
A husband and wife are getting ready for work. The husband gets out of the shower, still naked walks through the house. His daughter sees him and asks, "Daddy, when will I get one of those between my legs?" He says, "As soon as your mother leaves for work."
What has 3 legs, 2 arms and 5 heads? The finishing line of the Boston marathon.
Who are the world's fastest readers?
My uncle died on 9/11. He was on the flight that crashed into the buildings. To me he was an uncle, but to the world, he was a brilliant terrorist.
What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew?
How do you get a Jewish girls number?
A guy is walking to the bar to get a drink with his buddies when he notices a girl by train tracks tied up. He runs to her, unties her and they have sex. When he gets to the bar his friends ask why he's late and he brags about all the sex he got when finally they asked him "did you get any head?" He shook his head and said "nah, I couldn't find it."
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why are black people such good dancers? They spend their first nine months dodging coat hangers."
What do you do once you're finished raping Helen Keller?
Child alone in his room, playing with his toys, when BAM! A time machine
appears. "Johnny! I'm you from the future!" "Really? Oh boy! What do I
grow up to be?!"
Why did the black guy walk into a bar?
How long does it take a racist to take a shit?
Why don't you ever hear jokes about Jonestown? Because the punchlines are always too long.
What does a priest and a silver medalist have in common?
Why did Johnny keep falling off his rocking horse? Johnny died 6 months ago and his parents still haven't come to terms with his death.
Woman gives birth to twins. The midwife says there's good news and bad news. Bad news is one's ginger but the good news is it's dead.
My girlfriend is into some really strange role-play when we have sex. She always insists on pretending to be 12 years old. I don't get why, she'll be 12 in a couple of years anyway.
When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass. I thought that was a bit harsh – just because he’s black doesn’t mean he’s going to shoot anyone.
My son asked me the other day how I feel about abortions. I told him to go ask his sister. He said, "I don't have a sister". There's your answer.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a hurricane?
Getting girls to have sex with me is like getting ketchup out of a bottle.
An Asian man gets into a cab and yells, "Quick, make like a Chinese dad with his newborn baby daughter and step on it!"
How do you fit four gay guys on a barstool? You turn it upside down.
You know the girl you are sleeping with is too young for you when you have to make the airplane noise just to get your cock in her mouth.
What's the difference between a white baby and a black baby?