The Sliders/Buffy The Vampire Slayer Crossover! "Sliders: Comedy Slayers!" By Jesse Glaspey Sliders is owned by Sci-Fi network (I think) and Buffy is owned by WB (I think) And this parody is owned by Bill Gates. This parody is rated TV-M for booby jokes, sexually expicit phrases, foul language, violence and for a scene involving someone getting hit with a snow shovel. (We open up with the Sliders, running like usual.) Quinn: GOOD LORD! RUN FASTER! Maggie: It's gaining! FASTER! Rembrandt: (Crying like a girl) AHHHHHHHHHH!! Colin: How long 'til we slide?? Quinn: Ten seconds!! Where is it? Rembrandt: It's right over there!! AHHHHHHHH! MTV's waste of genetics, Jesse Camp: Hey, dudes! What's up? Can you believe I'm on TV still? Sliders: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Quinn: (Activating the timer) SLIDE! SLIDE! MTV's load that should've been swallowed, Jesse Camp: Do you know I have an album out? Maggie: (Pulling out her gun) I do this for all humanity! (The bullets hit that little mongoloid with no effect!) MTV's reason for wearing condoms, Jesse Camp: Like your album's any better Kari! Maggie: Why you little....(Quinn throws her into the worm hole and follows) MTV's proof the missing link exists, Jesse Camp: Ha! I am invincible! Dude! Jesse Glaspey: That's what you think, punk ass! (Jesse G. erases that rudy poo candy ass from existence with a grenade launcher.) Jesse Glaspey: Sorry for that folks, back to the parody! (The sliders land, once again, in the middle of a park) Quinn: Well! We've got a couple of days until the next slide. We'd better find a place to sleep for the night! Maggie: Yeah. There could be muggers out tonight! Colin: Or Kromaggs! Rembrandt: Or FOX representatives! Quinn: Muggers! Colin: And Kromaggs! Rembrandts: And Fox Reps! Maggie: Oh my! Sliders: Muggers! And Kromaggs! And Fox Reps! Oh my! Vampire: (Drinking blood from an red shirted ensign) Excuse me! I'm trying to eat here! Quinn: LOOK! A Fox Rep! Vampire: HEY! I drink blood and kill for a living but FUCK! I take offense to that! You're dead! (The vampire lunges for Colin.) Colin: Hey! A penny! (Colin reaches for the penny and the vampire misses Colin and impales itself on a tree branch.) Vampire: Ow. Shit. (The Vampire dies.) Rembrandt: Hey! Does anyone hear fighting? Quinn: All right! Where's Maggie? Maggie: Hey! I'm right here! Quinn: Oh. Then where's the fighting? Colin: Over there! Some blonde chick is beating up more FOX reps! (Quinn and Buffy see each other. The Righteous Brother's "Unchained Melody" begins to play.) Quinn: Hey. 'Sup? Buffy: Hey. (Stabs a vampire) Vampire: Where is that music coming from? (The Vampire dies) Quinn: What's a pretty girl like you doing in a park like this? Buffy: Nothing. New around town? (Quinn and Buffy continue to talk.) Colin: Where have I heard that kind of dialogue before? Rembrandt: Debbie Does Dallas. Maggie: How would you know that? Rembrandt: What do you think we watch in the Chandler Hotel? Stargate: The Series? (They all laugh) Quinn: Hey guys! This is Buffy. She's going to take us to a place where we can rest up until the slide! Buffy: Yeah.You guys can meet some of my friends while we're at it! Maggie: (Mocking Buffy) Nyeah. Nyou guys can blah blah blah blah! (The Sliders and Buffy leave. Suddenly another wormhole opens. Some Kromaggs step out.) Murray the Kromagg: Okay! Here's the plan! This world, we find the Sliders and kill them! We don't want any screwups like the last world! Hortense the Kromagg: For the umpteenth time! I'm sorry! I thought they were the sliders! Frank the Kromagg: Those were the Teletubbies! (They pause. Then they laugh hysterically.) Murray: Yeah that was almost as bad as that time we put a mental implant in Joe Pesci's head and made him do "8 Heads In A Duffel Bag"! (They laugh again.) Hortense: Or the time we talked some C.E.O. putz into inventing Crystal Pepsi! (They laugh again.) Vampire: Or that time the vampire bit the Kromagg invaders and turned them in Kromagg-Vampires! (They laugh again. They suddenly pause and look at the vampire. He attacks them.) Kromaggs: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! ======================================= COMMERCIAL BREAK Coming soon from Warner Brothers Toys! MATRIX: THE TOY LINE! TALKING NEO! (A child pulls the string on Keanu's back) Neo: Whoa. TALKING MORPHEUS! PULL THE STRING ON HIS BACK AND HE GIVES A LONG SPEECH ABOUT REALITY AND THE MATRIX! KUNG-FU NEO AND MORPHEUS TWO-PACK! AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST....MATRIX: THE HOME GAME! TAKE THE RED PILL AND ANOTHER PLAYER JAMS A THREE INCH SPIKE INTO THE BACK OF YOUR NECK!!! FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!! MATRIX: THE TOYS!! Neo: Whoa. ====================================== (The sliders enter the high school library with Buffy. We see Giles, Xander, Willow, Oz and Cordelia are there.) Maggie: We're supposed to rest in a library? What kind of stupid bi..... Quinn: (Covering Maggie's mouth) What she means is we're very grateful! Giles: Buffy. Who are your new friends. Buffy: This is Quinn Mallory, His brother Colin, Rembrandt Brown and Doggie Beckett. Maggie: MAGGIE! MAGGIE BECKETT! Why you little...... (Colin holds Maggie back) Buffy: Whatever. Anyways, they're from another dimension and they need a place to hang out. (Blank expressions on Buffy's friends faces.) Quinn: We come from another Earth parallel to this one! (Same blank expressions.) Quinn: We're from the Sci-Fi network. This is a Crossover. Everyone: Ah. Buffy: Well, let me introduce my friends. This is Cordelia. She's sarcastic, shallow, kinda skeezy and sometimes a raging bitch. Quinn: Hey, Maggie. We found your double! (Maggie kicks Quinn in the nuts.) Buffy: This is Xander. He's also sarcastic, he's a hundred percent testosterone and tends to get in trouble a lot. He's kind of worthless. (The sliders look at Rembrandt.) Rembrandt: What? Buffy: This is Willow. She's shy, quiet, dependable and always comes through in the end. (The sliders look at Colin) Colin: What? Buffy: This is Giles. Our teacher and mentor. He's British, kind of uptight, basically a walking target considering he's always getting knocked out! Sliders: ARTURO? Buffy: And this is Oz. He's a werewolf. Sliders: Riiiiiiight. Quinn: Rembrandt, remember those FBI guys, Mulder and Scully? Rembrandt: Yeah. Why? Quinn: And they thought WE were crazy? (Quinn and Rembrandt begin laughing.) Buffy: Colin. Haven't we met before? Colin: Not that I know of. Voice-Over: What most people don't know. Buffy and Colin DO know each other. In the movie 'Cruel Intentions' Sarah Michelle Gellar gives Charlie O'Connell a B.J.! No lie! Quinn: What the hell does THAT have to do with this parody? Voice-Over: Nothin. Just pointing out that Buffy's a skank. Buffy: HEY!!! Colin: What's a B.J.? Rembrandt: Ask Maggie. They made her career. Maggie: HEY!!! (Maggie kicks Rembrandt in the nuts) Quinn: So whats going on here that required all your friends meeting? Giles: Well, it all started in the dark ages.... Xander: Last Tuesday. Giles: Yes, anyways. Hundreds of foul Hellspawn.... Xander: Six. Giles: Ah, regardless. They crawled out of the gates of hell.... Xander: They just drove in from New Jersey. Giles: Whatever. The set up a base in an abandoned church... Xander: They ran out of gas and are holed up in the Chandler Hotel. Giles: (getting irritated) And we have to perform an arcane ritual in order to send them back to hell. Maggie: Let me guess. You're going to kick in the door, shocking them into wetting themselves! Then shoot them in the kneecaps. Giles: (Very quiet) Yeah. Maggie: Yahoo! Let's go! Buffy: World saving later! We go dance now! (Buffy Grabs Quinn and they head off to the club. Colin, Xander, Maggie, Cordelia, Willow and Oz follow) Voice-over: Meanwhile....At the Chandler Hotel in room 666 (appropriate, no?) The six demons prepare their evil ritual for the coming of their dark lord..... Carl the Demon (On the phone): Yeah, boss. We'll leave the room key under the doormat. When you get here, help your self to the mini bar. Phil the Demon: When does he get here? Carl: Tomorrow. Skip the Demon: So what do we do 'til then? Theodore the Demon: We can play Monopoly! Demons: Nah. Milton the Demon: We can watch TV! Dawson's Creek is on! Demons: Ooooh! (A pause) Nah. Doug the Demon: How about we go to a night club? Demons: Yeah! (The Demons leave.) Voice-over: Two hours later... At the Bronze night club! (Haddaway's "What Is love?". That song from "A night at the Roxbury" starts to play. The demons are moving their heads in that same move.) Doug: So why did Phil, Skip and Carl stay behind at the hotel? Milton: They wanted to see if Joey and Dawson were ever going to get through their problems. Theodore: And the Writer didn't think this "Night at the Roxbury" joke would be funny with six demons doing that head thing. Doug: Oh. (The group starts dancing and starts harrassing one woman in particular....) Maggie: Hi. New in town, sailors? Doug, Milton and Theo: SCORE!!! Buffy: Man, what a slut! Quinn: Whatever. Wanna dance? (Buffy looks at Quinn. Him, Colin and Xander are doing the head thing also while circled around Buffy.) Buffy: (Giggles) Sure! Quinn, Colin & Xander: SCORE!!! Voice-over: Meanwhile, at the hotel...... (Phil, Skip and Carl are crying while watching the TV.) Carl: (crying) Why, Pacey? WHY? Phil: (crying also) Poor Dawson! Skip: (crying while reading the TV guide) Ooh! A special episode of Felicity is on next! Carl & Phil: Oooh! (A knock on the door) Carl: Hey! A knock on the door! Phil: I'll get it. Who is it? Voice: Candygram. Phil: From who? Voice: Mr. (mumbles) Phil: Who? (pause) Voice: Flowers. Phil: What? Voice: Got some flowers. Phil: Who is this? (The door is kicked in and Phil, Carl and Skip jump back. they are in shock as to who enters) Hortense the Kromagg-Vampire: Hi, kids! Murray the Kromagg-Vampire: Howareya? Frank the Kromagg-Vampire: Wassup? Vampire from earlier who bit the Kromaggs: Hey. Phil: Who are you? Vampire: I am the most evil, vile, comtemptous blood sucker around! Skip: Holy shit! We're getting attacked by Charlie Sheen! Charlie Sheen: YES! It is I! Star of such movies as "Hot Shots!" and "Beyond the Law"! Carl: What do you want?? Murray: Joel Scumacher dead! Charlie Sheen: Yeah and to do that, we need your demonic powers! Phil: You don't wanna do that! Our boss is coming tomorrow! If we're dead, he'll be pissed! Kromagg-Vampires: Well, since you put it that way... (The trio is about to leave when Charlie grabs them) Charlie Sheen: HEY! Gotta kill them! Remember? Frank: Oh yeah! (Phil, Skip and Carl scream like girls as they're killed and powers usurped.) Charlie Sheen: Now I guess that was just the side dish! Tomorrow, we kill their boss and take over the world! Hortense the Demonic-Kromagg-Vampire: Got it. Murray the Demonic-Kromagg-Vampire: Sure. Frank the Demonic-Kromagg-Vampire: You bet. (The four stand around for a couple of minutes.) Frank: Hey! Felicity's on! All: Oooh! ======================================= COMMERCIAL BREAK Hollywood.... We've ruined Dracula.... We've ruined the Wolfman.... We've ruined Frankenstein.... We've ruined the Mummy.... So now...Universal Pictures presents.... THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON '99!!! STARRING JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT AS A YOUNG BIOLOGIST ON A RESEARCH VESSEL SENT TO STUDY A STRANGE CREATURE SIGHTED IN SOUTH AMERICA! CO-STARRING BEN AFFLECK, DENISE RICHARDS, SETH GREEN, OMAR EPPS, ROBERT ENGLUND AND ROBERT DAVI AS "RAUL" WRITTEN BY A CHIMPANZEE HIGH ON NYQUIL AND ANGEL DUST! DIRECTED BY TIM BURTON!!! THIS SUMMER....GET FISHED IN!!! ======================================= (Talk Soup's theme music plays...) John Henson: If you're certain you're watching E! but you don't see breasts, you're watching Talk Soup. I'm John Henson. And either that tingly feeling I'm getting in my nether regions is the newest Showtime movie starring Kari Wuhrer or it's time to read a little VIEWER MAIL! (music plays) John Henson: Our letter this week comes from a young man from San Fransico named Quinn Mallory he writes "Dear John, I've been jumping parallel worlds for what seems like four years now. Jumping worlds with me, I've got an ex-amish brother I never knew I had, a has-been R&B singer and a military slut. My best friend was kidnapped by a alien race for breeding stock and my teacher was shot by the military slut's ex-boss. Any advice?" Well, Quinn..... (Church music plays) John Henson: Go on Jerry Springer! Announcer: This has been a Talk Soup "Moment Of Clarity" (Quinn turns off the TV) Quinn: Fuck! I get that advice on every world! Buffy: Whatever! Come on patrol with me! Quinn: Okay, let me get ready. (Goes to bathroom) Giles: While you and Quinn are on patrol. We'll stay behind and concoct a potion necessary to destroy the demon. Rembrandt: Hey! Where's Maggie? Xander: She went to continue partying with those creepy guys from the club with Cordelia. Rembrandt: Figures. (Quinn comes out. He's dressed like Batman.) Buffy: What the hell are you wearing? Quinn: We're going on patrol, aren't we? Buffy: Whatever, let's go! (Buffy and Bat-Quinn leave) Willow: Okay. First ingredient for the anti-demon spell is the Frog scrotum. Has anybody seen the jar of frog scrotums? (Colin walks in eating out of a jar.) Colin: Hey, guys! Try this jelly! It's awesome! (Willow, Oz, Xander, Giles and Rembrandt drop their jaws in shock.) Willow: Never mind. Just hand me the magic herbs. Rembrandt: Herbs? Willow: Yeah. These! (Holds up a bag of weed.) Rembrandt: Whoa. Those are illegal on my world. Giles: Why? Colin: We'll show you.... (Colin pulls out a lighter) Voice-over: Meanwhile...on patrol! Buffy: Quinn! Stay behind me! You don't know these streets! The danger that lies within these alleys has slain many a peoples! Quinn: (catching up with Buffy) Sorry, what was that? I just had to go pee-pee. Buffy: Never mind! Watch out! Vampire! Vampire: Grrrr. Quinn: AAAAHHHHH!!! (Buffy slays the vampire) Buffy: There's another one! Quinn: AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!! (Buffy slays another vampire) Buffy: Ooh! Another one! Quinn: MOMMY!!!! (Buffy slays another one) Angel: Hi Buffy. Quinn: ANOTHER ONE!!! KILL IT!! (Quinn lunges at Angel, Buffy stops him) Buffy: No, he's my friend! Quinn: Friend? But he's a vampire! Buffy: But he's also my on-again, off-again boyfriend... Angel: Who was possessed by a evil spirit... Buffy: Had to die in order to kill the spirit... Angel: Came back form the dead, again... Buffy: Only to leave to get his own series! Quinn: Right! Is there a point to this? (Everyone is very quiet) Angel: Anyways, there are some demons in town and I thought you might need some help. Buffy: What's their plan? Angel: If their unholy lord arrives, the plan will be too horrible to describe! Buffy: Where would the demons be hiding out? Angel: I heard a tip that they're hiding out in a hotel a couple of blocks away. Quinn: Where did you get the tip? Angel: They bumped into me on the street and invited me up to party with them, Cordelia and some slut. Quinn: MAGGIE! We've gotta save her! Buffy: Let's go! (Angel, Buffy and Quinn head out...) Voice-over: Meanwhile...at the hotel! (Maggie and Cordelia are singing and dancing on the table while Doug, Milton and Theodore sit and watch) Maggie & Cordelia: (Singing) HOT PANTS!!!! GOTTA GET ME SOME HOT PANTS!!!! Theodore the Demon: (To Doug and Milton) This is the worst singing I've ever heard! Doug the Demon: It makes listening to Fiona Apple sound pleasant! Milton the Demon: It's like listening to a drunken Lisa Loeb! Maggie & Cordelia: (Singing) HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!!! Theodore: Where's Phil, Carl and Skip? Milton: Dunno. Where's the beer? That might make listening to this easier! Doug: I think it's in the closet. I'll get it! (Doug opens the closet. Phil, Carl and Skip's dead bodies fall out) Doug : SWEET JESUS!!! Maggie & Cordelia: We don't know that one! (Charlie Sheen and the Demonically possessed Kromagg-Vampires barge in) Charlie Sheen and the Demonically possessed Kromagg-Vampires: Hello! Maggie: KROMAGGS! HIT THE DIRT!!! (Maggie shoves Cordelia down as she pulls a gun out.) Milton: Where the hell did you get that? Maggie: I hide it in my bra. Cordelia: Jesus! Talk about some loaded cannons! (Maggie unloads a clip into Charlie Sheen. He stands unscathed) Doug: What the hell? You unloaded a gun right into him AND HE'S STANDING?? Charlie Sheen: You forget....after movies like The Arrival and Shadow Conspiracy.... Cordelia: Nothing affects you! Got it! Charlie Sheen: Demon-Kromagg-Vampires! Finish those three off! (The Demonically possessed Kromagg-Vampires steal the three demons souls, killing them. Leaving only Charlie Sheen, Maggie, Cordelia and the Demonically possessed Kromagg-Vampires in the room) Murray the Demonic-Kromagg-Vampire: What should we do with these two? Charlie Sheen: Bring them to our lair. When we steal the Dark Lord's power we may need to sacrifice some virgins! (The Demonic-Kromagg-Vampires look at each other, then at the girls.) Hortense the Demonic-Kromagg-Vampire: Um, boss? I don't think these two qualify! Maggie and Cordelia: HEY! Charlie Sheen: Doesn't matter...Say, are you girls cheerleaders by any chance? (Maggie and Cordelia shudder) Voice-over: So as Charlie Sheen and the Demonic-Kromagg- Vampires drag Maggie and Cordelia off to their hide-out. Quinn, Angel and Buffy arrive! Angel: What the hell? The Demons are all dead! Quinn: Alright! Let's go now! Buffy: Not yet! Where's Maggie and Cordelia? Quinn: And where's that Demon Lord that Giles was talking about? Demon Lord: Hey Guys! I caught an earlier flight and wanted to get a jump on the hellraising! Hey, you're not my six demon minions! Angel, Buffy & Quinn: HOLY SHIT! THE DEMON LORD IS...IS...IS.... Demon Lord: Spit it out! Angel, Buffy & Quinn: COREY FELDMAN!!!! Corey Feldman the Demon Lord: Yeah. Wasn't that clearly obvious? ======================================= COMMERCIAL BREAK COMING SOON TO E!....CREATORS OF SUCH HIT SHOWS AS "SEX ON THE RIVIERA", "WILD ON THE BEACH" AND "WOMEN OF PLAYBOY"..... E! ENTERTAIMENT TELEVISION PRESENTS AT 10PM.... "WILD AT A SCI-FI CONVENTION".... SEE THE ONE HOT CHICK AT THE CONVENTION!!! SEE THE ONE GUY WHO WORKS OUT!!! SEE ALL THE MONEY E! PAID THEM TO BE THERE!!! HEAR ALL OF E!'S SCI-FI METAPHORS FOR THE MALE AND FEMALE GENITALIA!!! THEN AFTER "WILD AT A SCI-FI CONVENTION"...MORE HOWARD STERN. ======================================= (Quinn, Buffy and Angel huddle around discussing what they should do involving Corey Feldman) Buffy: Kill him. Angel: Agreed. Kill him. Quinn: Wait! Maybe we can get some information out of him. Like what the hell happened to Maggie and Cordelia! Buffy: Okay. Then we kill him. Angel: Slowly. Quinn: Why slowly? Angel: I saw National Lampoon's Last Resort. (Quinn and Buffy nod. Quinn walks up to Corey Feldman: Demon Lord) Quinn: Hey Corey! Long time, no see. Corey Feldman: Who are you? Quinn: Don't you remember? 'Electric Twister Acid Test'? Corey Feldman: What? Quinn: What about 'Stand By Me'? Corey Feldman: Oh yeah! Man, I thought you were dead! Quinn: No, that was River. Corey Feldman: Oh. Sorry. That's right! Sorry I didn't recognize you. I don't watch 'Star Trek: The Next Generation'! Quinn: No, that was Wil. Corey Feldman: Oops. Now I know! You did Meatballs 4! Quinn: NO, THAT WAS YOU! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? DON'T YOU REMEMBER? I'M JERRY O'CONNELL! I PLAYED VERN! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO WORKS REGULARLY NOW! MY CHECKS DON'T BOUNCE! Corey Feldman: Jerry? Did you lose weight? Quinn: ARGH! Angel! Kill him! Angel: With pleasure! Corey Feldman: WAIT! What happened to my employees? Buffy: They're sleeping. (Everyone stares at Buffy. Angel whispers something in her ear.) Buffy: THEY'RE FUCKING DEAD??? OH MY LORD!!! Corey Feldman: Someone stole their power! My lord...whoever did this could be trying to start the plan I was going to! Quinn: And that would be... Corey Feldman: I can't describe it. Too horrible for words. Quinn: Whatever. Let's get back to the library. See if the others have made that potion yet. (Quinn, Angel, Buffy and Corey Feldman leave. They get back to the Library. They open the door and a cloud of smoke puffs out.) Giles, Colin, Rembrandt and Willow: (Singing) We jammin! We wanna jammin wit' you! Jammin! Giles: (Giggling like a girl) Did you find the demon? Willow: Hey, mon! Wazzup! Quinn: COLIN! REMBRANDT! What did you do to them? Colin: Are you hungry? (Quinn slaps Colin) Colin: Sorry. Yeah. We were mixing all these ingredients and it turned out all we need to do is splash Surge on the Demons. Quinn: Good. Colin: Or simply stab them. Quinn: Great. Colin: Or shoot them. Quinn: Fine. Colin: Or beat them up. Quinn: Okay. I get it. Colin: Or staple rabid ferrets to their faces and throw them in a tub filled with hydrochloric acid. Quinn: I GET IT! WE CAN JUST KILL THEM! Giles: (while stoned) Hey! Corey Feldman! I loved you in Goonies! Corey Feldman: Thanks! Giles: Chunk was my favorite character! Corey Feldman: HEY! Buffy: Where's Oz? Willow: In the corner. It's that time of the month! (A stoned werewolf is in the corner licking it's own asshole) Buffy: Gross! Quinn: Now can anybody help us try to find Maggie and Cordelia? Charlie Sheen: I can! Everybody: CHARLIE SHEEN? Charlie Sheen: You'll find them...At the sacrifice! GET THEM! (Hortense, Frank and Murray barge in. The door hits Giles and Rembrandt in the face, knocking them out. Charlie Sheen and the Demonic-Kromagg-Vampires drag Corey Feldman, Colin, Willow, Quinn, Angel, Xander and Buffy away. Kind of odd considering Sheen and the Demonic-Kromagg-Vampires are outnumbered! An hour later, Giles and Rembrandt wake up.) Rembrandt: Oh man...not again! Giles: Was I knocked out again? Rembrandt: Where did they all go to? Giles: I don't know. They must have left a clue behind! Rembrandt: How about this cloth from Charlie Sheen's shirt! Giles: It smells like bad cologne mixed with fast food! Rembrandt: Yeah...The smell of a washed up actor! Giles: All we have to do is have something track that odor down! Rembrandt: Like what? Giles: Like Oz! Here boy! Here boy! (Whistles) Oz: Rello, Riles! Rhat do you want? Giles: We need you to track down this scent! (Giles holds the cloth in front of Oz's nose) Oz: Whew! Smells rike Christian Slater! Giles: Good. Rembrandt. Grab a weapon and we'll go. (Rembrandt looks at a table covered with weapons.) Rembrandt: Guns. No. Knives. No. Grenades. No. (Rembrandt picks up a snow shovel.) Rembrandt: Perfect! Let's go! Giles: Now Oz. If you find Buffy and them. You'll get a scooby snack. Oz: Ro boy! (Oz drags Giles and Rembrandt off.) Voice-over: Meanwhile, At Charlie Sheen's hideaway...... (Corey Feldman is tied to a table. Everyone else is tied to a wall surrounding them.) Quinn: Buffy! Maggie! Can you get free? Buffy: No, I'm powerless... Maggie: I'm helpless... Buffy: They took my bra! Maggie: Me too. I CAN'T MOVE!!! Cordelia: They took my bra also. Willow: Me too. Why? (Charlie Sheen and the Demonic-Kromagg-Vampires come out wearing the bra's on their heads) Frank the Demonic-Kromagg-Vampire: Boss, what does this have to do with the ritual? Charlie Sheen: Nothing. Frank the Demonic-Kromagg-Vampire: Riiiiiiggght. Quinn: What's your plan, you sick bastard? Charlie Sheen: Once I sacrifice Corey Feldman: Demon Lord. The pits of hell will release a army of creatures that will destroy the world in a wave of terror! Xander: You don't mean.... Charlie Sheen: Yes! Colin: Not them... Charlie Sheen: YES! AN ARMY OF TEEN HEARTTHROBS FROM ALL TIMES! MINE TO COMMAND! STARTING NOW! (Charlie Sheen stabs Corey Feldman: Demon Lord with a ceremonial knife and all sorts of hell starts to break loose. A portal opens and they start pouring out!) Quinn: Holy shit! We're toast! Charlie Sheen: We'll get to the whole hell on earth thing in a bit, but first a commercial break! ======================================= COMMERCIAL BREAK Every generation has a legend... Every journey has a first step... Every saga has a beginning... Every elevator has a first floor... SPACEBALLS: EPISODE 1!!! SEE WHAT MADE DARK HELMET THE MAN HE IS TODAY!!! Dark Helmet: I knew it! I'm surrounded by assholes! ---- Princess Vespa: (Wearing clown makeup) I was not elected to watch my people suffer while you discuss this invasion in a committee! Dot: Coffee? Princess Vespa: Thank you! ---- Yogurt: I sense much fear in you! Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Suffering leads to becoming a lawyer! ---- STARRING RICK MORANIS, MEL BROOKS, BILL PULLMAN, DAPHNE ZUNIGA, AND A CGI JOHN CANDY... THIS SUMMER....THE SHWARTZ COMES BACK!! ====================================== (Giles and Rembrandt are following Oz) Rembrandt: Aw man, seems like we're going in circles! Giles: We are. Oz is apparently dyslexic. Rembrandt: Man! This clue is worthless! We're never going to find Quinn and the gang! Giles: SNAP OUT OF IT MAN! (Giles slaps Rembrandt) Rembrandt: Thanks! I was starting to act like First Season Rembrandt! Giles: Now, with this ripped piece of fabric that smells like failed actor we need to find some way to trace it to Buffy and them. Mysterious voice: Maybe I can help you... Giles: How would you be a able to help us find Charlie Sheen? Mysterious voice: Maybe because I have a connection to him. Perhaps I would gain from his demise! Rembrandt: Enough already! Who the fuck are you? Mysterious voice: A mysterious voice! Haven't you been reading? Rembrandt: Fuck this! (Rembrandt yanks the hood off the Mysterious voice to reveal he's....) Giles & Rembrandt: EMILIO ESTEVEZ?? Emilio: Alright! Alright! What is it you wanna know? Giles: Where are they? Emilio: In an underground temple! Make a left on Main, head down Elm and then go down the sewers! Hurry! He's about to release the 10th plague! Giles: NOT THE PLAGUE OF HEARTTHROBS?! Emilio: Yes. Rembrandt: What's the 9th plague? Emilio: Circus midgets. Rembrandt: And the 4th plague? Emilio: Eric Roberts. Rembrandt: Is there an 11th plague? Emilio: Yes. The WB network. Giles: HEY!! Emilio: Hurry! Before it's too late! (Rembrandt and Giles run off. Forgetting about Oz, who begins mauling Emilio Estevez!) Emilio: AAAAARRRRRR!!!! Oz: THIS IS FOR MIGHTY DUCKS 1, 2 AND 3! Voice-over: Meanwhile....in the temple!! Charlie Sheen: WITH MY ARMY OF TEEN HEARTTHROBS, I SHALL SOON SPREAD A WAVE OF EVIL UNLIKE ANYONE HAS EVER SEEN!!! AND THE SLAYER IS HELPLESS TO STOP US! HA HA HA!! Buffy: You're just lucky you stole my bra or I'd be whipping some ass right now! Maggie: Me too! Quinn: Yeah! And I'd PUNCH YOU! (Everyone stares at Quinn) Quinn: IN THE FACE!! (Everyone ignores Quinn) Xander: Wait a minute. If Charlie Sheen is releasing teen Heartthrobs...shouldn't Me, Angel, Quinn and Colin be over there? (Everyone looks around at each other) Charlie Sheen: Shut up! You'll fuck up continuity! Quinn: Yeah! That's our job! (Charlie Sheen punches Xander out.) Xander: Sorryyyyyyyy.......(passes out) Willow: Man, I see The Backstreet Boys, Andrew Mcarthy, Luke Perry... Cordelia: Jason Priestly, Rick Springfield, Corey Haim... Angel: Ricky Martin, N'sync, That guy who played Parker Lewis... Colin: Freddie Prinze Jr., Bobcat Goldthwait, James Van Der Beek... Quinn: Rob Lowe, Anthony....WAITAMINUTE! Bobcat Goldthwait??? Angel: What? He's a very handsome man! (Everyone stares at Angel) Angel: WHAT?? (Giles and Rembrandt bust in finally.) Charlie Sheen: GET THEM!! (Hortense, Murray and Frank rush Giles and Rembrant. Giles goes to free the others while Rembrandt hits Murray in the face with the snow shovel and severs Frank and Hortesnse's heads, releasing the brasfrom their heads and sending them through the air. Buffy and Maggie catch them. Techno music begins to play. Buffy and Maggie put the bras on OVER their tops. Morons. Buffy and Maggie then begin to whoop ass a la Blade!) Buffy: Take this, Backstreet boys! (Buffy throws knives into their skulls) Maggie: Suck this Rick Springfield! (Maggie pulls out a shotgun and blows his face off) Buffy: Get ready to live Mi Vida Loca, Ricky Martin! (Buffy slices Menudo-boy in half with a sword) Maggie: Rob Lowe, Andrew Mcarthy...MEET YOUR MAKERS!!! (Maggie kicks it John Woo style) Buffy: DIE, JERRY O'CONNELL!!! Quinn: WAIT! I'M ON YOUR SIDE! Buffy: Oh. Never mind (Buffy shoves Quinn aside and continues to slaughter N'sync) (And the carnage continues for many minutes as Buffy and Maggie ice the entire teen heartthrob army. Quinn and the rest of the gang are sitting back relaxing.) Colin: Hey, anyone else wondering where Buffy and Maggie got those weapons? (Everyone shrugs.) (The bloodbath continues as Buffy and Maggie kill roughly all of FOX's and WB's young actors, former Brat Packers, and the guy who played Parker Lewis) Willow: (Doing a crossword) 8 letters, "Crappy comic series"? Xander: "Nightman" Willow: Thanks! 8 letters, "Guaranteed to be cancelled within a year"? Rembrandt: "Farscape" Willow: Thanks! 7 letters, "Heavily watered down"? Giles: "Sliders" Quinn, Colin and Rembrandt: HEY!!! (The murderous spree continues as Maggie and Buffy kill Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, The men of "I Know What You Did Last Summer", "Scream", "Scream 2", "Go", "Can't Hardly Wait", "The Faculty" and "Urban Legend"!) Quinn: ....Hawkeye.... Angel: ....Eradicator...... Giles:.....Rom..... Rembrandt:....Manhunter.... Cordelia:.......Red Tornado.... Colin:.....Odin.... Xander:....Nightwing... Willow:.....Galactus.... (Charlie Sheen screams as Buffy and Maggie slowly kill him.) Quinn: Okay, guys. Enough "Obscure Comic Character Geography"! I think Buffy and Maggie are finally done! (Buffy and Maggie walk up to the group covered in blood.) Maggie: I got my 7.50 back for "Shadow Conspiracy" By the way, when do we slide? (Quinn, Colin and Rembrandt look at each other.) Quinn: AW SHIT! I LEFT THE TIMER BACK AT THE SCHOOL!!! (The entire group runs out and leaves. Murray the Demonic- Kromagg-Vampire wakes up and looks around and sees the corpses of many heart throbs. He walks slowly out of the temple. He gets to the street and takes a deep breath.) Murray the Demonic-Kromagg-Vampire: I'M ALIVE! THANK GOD, I'M ALIVE! (A cow then falls from out of the sky, killing Murray instantly) Voice-over: Back at the library! (The Sliders are preparing to slide...) Quinn: Good-bye Buffy...Too bad we didn't get to spend more 'time together'! Buffy: Yes. I was looking forward to our 'time together'. Quinn: It could have been magic. Our 'time together'. The long, hot, moist 'time together'. Buffy: Yeah. I guess we'll never get to show off after our 'time together'. Quinn: (sighing) Yeah. Buffy: I'll never get to show off the spiked heels, the leather skirt, the bullwhip, the handcuffs.... (Quinn's eyes widen) Quinn: We are still talking about sex, aren't we? Buffy: I thought we were talking about shopping! (Rim shot) Maggie: Good bye everyone. Buffy...I'll always remember our bonding experience! Buffy: Yes, how we laughed together as we disemboweled Corey Haim! Maggie: And to think! I thought you were just another blonde bimbo trying to be the next Drew Barrymore! Buffy: And I thought you were just a 3rd rate Alyssa Milano! Maggie: And I thought your movie career was dead after "Simply Irresistable"! Buffy: At least my movies were actually shown in THEATERS instead of Cinemax at 3am! Maggie: Why you bitch! Buffy: You fucking skank! (Maggie and Buffy start fighting. The sliders and buffy-gang pull them apart.) Colin: Bye guys! I wish we got to spend more time together! Xander, Giles, Willow, Oz & Cordelia: We wish we got more screen time, PERIOD! Angel: I don’t need. I’ve got my own series! It'll last! Cast of Forever Knight: Riiiiiggghhhhttttt! (Quinn opens the sliding tunnel) Quinn: Farewell! Perhaps we shall meet again! Buffy & The Gang: WHO CARES!! (The Sliders leave) Giles: That was a fucking handful! Xander: At least it can’t get worse! (The library doors are swung open) Mulder: Fox Mulder! Scully: Dana Scully! Mulder & Scully: FBI! Buffy: Shit. Voice-over: Meanwhile...on another Earth! (The Sliding tunnel opens and the gang drops out.) Colin: How long? Quinn: A couple of days. Maggie: So what world are we on now? Rembrandt: Looks normal. (A phone booth appears in front of them. Two people jump out.) Bill: BILL S. PRESTON, ESQUIRE! Ted: TED THEODORE LOGAN! Bill & Ted: Together, we are WYLD STALLIONS! (Air guitar riff) Sliders: Whoa. =================== John Henson: Well that forboding sense of doom can only mean one of two things. Either this is the end of a wack ass parody or...get ready! Prepare! Pre-ops and Post- ops...this is the Talk soup...clip...of...the...week! (Rim shot) (Rembrandt hits Murray the Demonic-Kromagg-Vampire in the face with the snow shovel.) John Henson: Well, that’s it for this week, Soup freaks! Be sure to watch Buffy on WB and Sliders on the Sci-Fi network! Later, freaks! =================== (Jesse is sitting at the desk, typing diligently at the computer. He is very happy he finally finished this goddamn parody!) Jesse: THANK GOD! IT’S OVER! (Alyssa Milano gets up from underneath the desk) Alyssa Milano: (wiping her mouth) You finally finished the story? Jesse: Yep. Alyssa: So when are you going to get started on that Sliders/Charmed crossover parody? Jesse: Later? Alyssa: But you said you’d start when you finished this parody! (Jesse begins to cry and gets back to typing. Five minutes later, Jesse Glaspey and Alyssa Milano are killed in a tragic goat udder explosion!) THE END! This parody was written by Jesse Glaspey. This has been a Sleepy Weasel Production!