The X-files/Scooby Doo crossover! By Jesse Glaspey "A night at the carnival." Scene: A carnival (DUH!) A woman is walking around a deserted carnival. For what reason: She's stupid. She turns a corner and comes face to face with....BARNEY! Woman: AGH! (Dies) Barney slinks dack into the darkness. ==================================== X-Files Intro ==================================== (Mulder and Scully enter their office after a long, bizarre and unsolved mission.) Mulder: It did exist! Scully: Did not! Mulder: Did too! Scully: Did NOT! Mulder: We did see William Shatner as we came in! (Scully and Mulder see post-it notes on their desk reading "See me, signed Skinner. Mulder and Scully head to Skinner's office.) Mulder: What now? Skinner: So sorry to bother you kids! I know you're too busy going out and not solving cases! That's why I'm assigning you two a new partner! Mulder and Scully: WHAT? Skinner: I'm assigning you two a new partner! Scully: We heard you, We're just shocked! Mulder: This isn't going to be like the last partner you assigned me! Krycek! Good call there genius! Skinner: ONE LITTLE MISTAKE! Anyways, meet your new partner, Scooby-Doo! (Scooby trots out.) Scully: A DOG? Mulder: Great. I have to work with two of 'em! Scully: WHAT?? Mulder: Nothing. Skinner: One more thing. No more rental cars! You keep destroying them! You've got a van now. It's right outside. You can take it to your next case! A woman died mysteriously at a carnival and some locals believe that a dinosaur did it! Scooby: Rinosaur?? Mulder: What did he just say? Scully: What? Dogs can't talk! Skinner: Why are you still here get out! Go solve something for once! (Mulder, Scully and Scooby leave the building to see 'The Mystery Machine') Scully: Aw no! COMMERCIAL BREAK ========================== Coming soon to a theatre near you a collaborative effort between Warner Bros. and Paramount Star Trek 9: Keep on Trekkin' Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate 97658.3. We have encountered three annomalies like we have never seen before........ Warner Bros. (And Sister): Boingy Boingy Boingy Boingy!!!!!!!!! Riker: Who the hell are you kids??? Yakko and Wakko: We're the Warner Bros. Dot: And the Warner Sister, aren't I the cutest? (Troi enters the bridge.) Wakko and Yakko: Hellllloooo Counselor!!!!! (Dot jumps into Riker's Arms, Yakko into Troi's, and Wakko into Picard's and Wakko starts shining Picard's head) Picard: Mr. Worf!!! Get these children of my bridge!!!! (Worf pulls out a net and chases after the Warner's as they run around the bridge. Fade out.) CUE THEME SONG It's generation next Their old starship is a wreck Troi took the driver's seat and a mountain they did meet It's generation next Come join Warner bros. and the Warner sister dot We travel on the enterprise and annoy the captain lots They lock us in the brig Whenever we get caught But we break loose and then vamoose to the captain's yacht Meet Riker and Laforge who have lousy dating lives Dr. Crusher treats you if you have a case of hives Worf is dating Troi And we all hate "The Boy" It's Generation Alien Nation DS9's a space station Generation Next!!!!!!! That's all the text Tonight on WB and UPN and in the theatres. Please God watch!!! We need the ratings!!! ====================================== (The Mystery Machine is pulling up to the carnival as two sheriffs investigate the crime scene.) Walker: Murder. Roscoe: Yup. Scully: Who was killed? Walker: Local girl by the name of Laura Palmer. Roscoe: Yup. Mulder: Find any clues? Scully: Let's split up. (Scully storms off.) Mulder:Yipee! Come on Scooby. Scooby: Rall right Rulder. Mulder: I knew it! You can talk! Figures Scully wouldn't believe it! Scooby: Ri'm Rungry. Mulder: Me too. I can't search for clues on an empty stomach. (Mulder walks up to a food stand and starts to build a huge sandwich. Scooby starts to build one too when he sees a rotting liver on the floor. Scooby leaps into Mulder's arms.) Scooby: R-R-R-River! Mulder: We're on dry land! (Scooby points to the liver) Mulder: L-L-L-Liver! Zoiks! (Mulder jumps into Scooby's arms. They fall to the ground.) Mulder: This has got to be a clue! Livers....Tooms! Scooby: Rut he's read! Mulder: It doesn't matter that he's a communist. He's dead. Hmm, this clue could be a fluke. FLUKEMAN! No wait, he's dead too. Damn it! Scooby: Rats! Mulder: Rats....Ratboy! KRYCEK! That son of a.... Scooby: Ritch! Mulder: Middle class, actually. I've got to find Krycek! (Mulder and Scooby stay still.) Mulder: I said...I'VE GOT TO FIND KRYCEK! (Nicolas Lea wakes up suddenly in his chair and rushes on screen) Krycek: I've found you, Mulder! Mulder: You...you...you.. Scooby: Rastard! Mulder: Yes! Krycek: What? Mulder: I'll explain it to you. Ta-da-da-da-da-dah! PUPPY POWER! (Mulder starts getting madass on Krycek and all the time, Krycek is crying and screaming like a little girl. Scooby is watching this when Barney sneaks up on them. Scooby does a double take.) Scooby: Rulder! Mulder: Not now! I'm still making Krycek cry! (Mulder turns and does a double take also. Mulder yells. Jumps in the air and starts running. Scooby follows. Barney grabs Krycek and drags him off. Mulder and Scooby are running around the carnival like chickens without heads. They run by Walker and Roscoe repeatedly.) Walker: They can't solve crap. Roscoe: Yup. COMMERCIAL BREAK ========================== Tonight on FOX! The premeire of Sliders: The animated Series! Quinn: We're animated! We're 'toons Arturo: Of course, you blistering idiot! Wade: And some male pig animator drew me with bigger breasts! (a giant eraser comes in and erases Wade's mouth.) Arturo: THANK GOD! IT'S ABOUT TIME! Rembrandt: Proffesor...Aren't you dead? Animator: Oops. (Animator erases Arturo.) Butthead: Whoa! Aren't you 'The Cryin' Man? Rembrandt: FANS! Beavis: I've got tears in my fro! I'm the great cornholio! I need T.P. for my bungholio! Sliders: The Animated series! Right before Mighty Morphin' Millenium! ================================= (Scully is performing an autopsy on Laura Palmer. This is the only time when Scully feels alive.) Scully: I've got tears in my fro....WHOA! Jinkies! Lung Cancer! And it only took her a couple seconds to contract it! Wait a minute! This means....I've got to find Mulder and Scooby! (Scully turns around to rush and help Mulder when her alarm beeps.) Scully: Oops! WKRP in Cincinatti is on! (Scully sits down and watches TV.) MEANWHILE....... Barney is rampaging around the carnival and bumps into an extremely tall woman in a trenchcoat. Denise: Oops. Like, haha, sorry! I'm on my way home and I, like, got lost! (Barney gestures to the Sheriff's, who are oblivious to all things going on) Denise: Like, thanks! I've got to go home now! (As Denise wobbles away, Barney steps on her trench coat. The trenchcoat pulls off to reveal Mulder in drag and sitting on top of Scooby's shoulders. They run. As they're running, The Mystery Machine pulls up and Scully gets out.) Scully: Mulder? (Mulder runs by yelling. Scooby follows and stops.) Scooby: Rully! Relp us! Scully: I must be dreaming. The dog is talking to me! (Barney rushes up to Scooby and Scully. Scully, fed up with all of this, grabs Barney by the tail and slams him all over the place. Barney staggers up and heads towards Scully.) Scully: Sic 'im, Scooby! Scooby: Nuh-unh! Scully: Fine! No Scooby-Snacks for you! Scooby: Scooby-Snacks! Ya-huh! Ya-huh! (Scully gives Scooby a Scooby Snack and Scooby morphs into John Shaft. Shaft beats the bejeezus out of Barney. Mulder then runs up and kicks Barney in ther butt as Barney passes out.) Mulder: I BEAT HIM! Scully: You're pathetic. Scooby: Oh Rother! LATER..... (Mulder, Scooby and Scully have tied up Barney and dragged him over to the sheriffs.) Walker: They caught him. Roscoe: Yup Scully: Now let's see who you really are! (Scully yanks off the Barney head to reveal.....) All: CANCER MAN! Cancer Man: YES! And I would've gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for you meddling kids and that stupid dog! Scully: Hey! You can't call Scooby stupid! Cancer Man: Scooby? I was talking about you! Mulder: Waitaminute! We solved a case! FINALLY! YES! YES! OH, YES! Scooby: Thanks to Rooby-Rooby-Roooooo! Roscoe: Yup. (Everyone begins to laugh for no reason whatsoever.) COMMERCIAL BREAK ==================================== Tonight on FOX, The Millenium group gets a new member: INSPECTOR GADGET! (The Milleniium group is walking through the woods looking for a body in the dark. Most of the group have flash lights. Not Inspector Gadget.) Inspector Gadget: Go, Go, Gadget flashlight! (A flashlight on a spring pops out and swings around wildly, smacking Frank and several other Millenium group members in the head.) Catch all the wacky antics as Frank and the Inspector try to stop Dr. Claw! Tonight on Semi-hot FOX! ================================================= (Mulder and Scully are in Skinner's office again.) Skinner: Good work, Fox! Good work, Daphne! Scully: DANA! Skinner: Whatever, you two have broken a record in solving X-files. Mulder: What's that? Skinner: One. Scully: Ouch. Why did Cancerman kill Laura Palmer anyways? Mulder: And how long will that sonovabitch be in prison. Skinner: In that order, He had nothing else to do and he's not going to prison. Mulder & Scully: WHAT?? Skinner: Yeah, like he's going to get sent up the river! Mulder: Well, what do we do with Scooby-Doo? Skinner: I reassigned him to someone more Scooby's style. Scully: Who? (Scooby-Doo comes in with his new partner, Conrad Bennish Jr.) Bennish: Duuuuude! (Mulder & Scully pass out from shock. Skinner, Bennish and Scooby start laughing.) Scooby: He he he he he he! THE END!